Tag Archives: Ex’s

Midwest is calling my name…Sally come drink….Sally come be naked..or just sleep. Yeah lets sleep.

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I have a an hour to kill at the airport and it took all my will to not buy a drink at the bar here. I fought all my will power and common sense that I should buy myself a drink. But I did have to promise myself I can have a few drinks tonight once I’m back in town.

Now lets hope I don’t pass out…I’ve been feeling rather exhausted lately and I’m not sure why. I time finals and the non-stop traveling and working has finally done me in. I cannot wait to just sleep back in my large bed!

Also my little coffee-house and my poetry! I’ve taken two weeks off from writing. not like I haven’t been stewing in some thoughts. Also found a few rather interesting websites as well that will definitely help my work.

Films I watched over my winter break:

*First time being watched (the rest I’ve seen probably too many times)

  • Jaws
  • Lord of the RIngs: The fellowship of the Ring
  • Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
  • Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
  • The Hobbit: The Unexpected Journey
  • *The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
  • *Milk
  • *Lincoln
  • *Monsters University
  • Elizabeth: The Golden Age
  • Some Like it Hot
  • Sound of Music
  • *Wolverine
  • *Star Trek: Into Darkness
  • Elf

I’m also in the process of buying a few more books. These last few days I’ve been looking over books I may want to buy and I think I’ve almost made my final decision.

Without a doubt I’ll be buying Saints and Strangers by Andrew Hudgins

I’m also thinking about The Red Tent, The Beauty Myth, Cinderella Ate my Daughter, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the NIght-Time, or Delusions of Gender. 

I’m looking at a few more as well, but I’m thinking about those books at the moment.

Also I discovered the new love of my life:

Kentucky Orange Blossom

Dear drink, You have given me life in the form of bourbon. Oh gosh I love you.

Note to Self: 

Some things will never change.

and I should have learned this years ago. Should have figured this out the first time Thrilla lied to me about the first break up. Should have learned the first time I figured out I was just your back-up. I guess sometimes we just have to learn the hard way. Not like any of this has been very hard, or hurtful. It really hasn’t to be honest. I’m more disappointed in a friend, a guy i thought had finally grown into a man during the years I had been awhile.

I learned this trip that the best sex I’ve ever had still is the same guy I first left behind in California.

I’ve grown up, but he has yet to find any balance. I am disappointed in someone I had such raw sexual energy with and more importantly disappointed in a friend I thought was looking out for me. But now I know. And this portion on my post will be a reminder to myself to never go back. Because fuck being someones back up.

So here we go….Bring it Midwest!

I’m ready.

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Filed under Books, Drinking, Hope, Life, List, My house, my writing, sex, single girl problems, thoughts

Ugly Sweater Epiphany

This last week/weekend has mustered a lot of light bulb moments. A lot of realizations and for once being thankful for certain situation not panning out.

Saturday night wearing all black at a very “midwestern” ugly sweater party I sit with my best friends Valerie drinking some very nice cheap wine and I watch these guys, the ones I’ve almost dated and hear about other’s I’ve dated and what they up to now. As I’m watching and hearing all this play out I realize I’m so thankful I’m not with any of these guys.

And I think about all the times each guy I’ve been with and has left me standing here alone, I think about what each of them has said to me, “from you deserve better, you love too much, you’re amazing.” I’ve always written these line sin my poetry as painful cliche lines that guys place upon women and this could still be true and I could be just acting silly but I rather start to think about these lines as hell yeah I am too good for you!

I much rather sit down in this chair, drinking wine, watching these guys who couldn’t handle a woman like me and be grateful that each of them realized I wasn’t the one for them because there is someone out there who I’m much more suited for and will not only sit with me and talk about my day but will run along side of me with not only my passion but their’s too. (Ok now I sound like a cheesy chocolate or ring commercial)

I much rather say things like that, then I’m never going to find someone. And you know what maybe I don’t find someone. Maybe no one is good enough for me.

I think it’s about damn time I set my standards high, because I’m a beautiful, caring, talented young woman. And hell yeah I’m going to still fuck it up and date the dumb ass loser who is going to break my heart, because I throw myself into situation fast and hard but I don’t care. I’m going to cry, I’m going to go buy some cake mix and wine and cry in the shower. Then I’m going to write a poem about, because shit this bullshit guy stuff sucks but at least I get a good poem out of it.

So to the guy that’s out there somewhere waiting for me (Lets hope your real and not just a piece of cake I’m imaging) lets hope you run into me soon or hit your head and realize you want to run with someone like me, ok maybe not actually running, because its icy in Peoria right now and I slip walking. Here’s to hoping this man realizes he can’t spend the rest of his life without.

Until then, I’ll drinking wine

(Not like that’s going to stop once I met someone)

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Filed under Being a woman, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, good energy, Hope, Love, Thankful

The dick

This weekend was a reminder of past pain that I though I was almost over with. But triggers have a way of going off and within seconds your laying on a crying in tears struggling to breathe about all the pain you’ve endeared. I always think about the quote by Joan Didion.

“I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way to deal with everything we lose.” 

Last night all the way till noon today I spoke to a guy I was starting to really like. Lets call him “the dick.” Not because his penis was large or anything, he just ended up being a dick.

I found out he not only has a girlfriend but I’m pretty sure they have been together for years now. He came over, we talked for a long time about everything throughout our lives. I guess we didn’t want to focus on the real issue at hand.

Which we eventually ended up on, which of course ends exactly how anyone would expect it to. He loves his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to give up on that. Yes, he does really like me. But let’s be honest whenever does someone really leave their relationship for a “like.” Ok, maybe my ex did that. But most guys aren’t going to leave their girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is also his fiancé.

It was terrible this morning. Absolutely an awful morning. I will never see him again. I mean of course I’ll probably run into him downtown here and there. Which will be awful and of course Valerie will murder him each time she runs into him.

I cried, slept for three hours, eat some food. And I’m feeling much better. It amazing how easily I can move on more and more now. Will I break down a few more times? Yeah, I probably will. Will this fill up another piece of baggage for me. Of course.

But later today everything seemed to changed. The universe of something is looking out for me because everything shifted to a much better day. A bunch of people I haven’t spoken to in a while spoke to me. A few will be in town next week and I cannot wait to be back home for a little bit and enjoy friends and family. I’m so so thankful that something is watching out for in the world. I have never felt more safe and so full of comfort.

Thank you

It gives me hope.

 
Now “the dick” is just distant memory of how terrible men can be and the test that I made sure that I never do what was done to me. I could have continued on with fooling around with him, but that’s not ok. I told him he should tell her too. To be honest I don’t think he will. I don’t think that’s ok. He will be another lesson, another pain and another reminder that I do deserve better and i will find someone who is going to be so lucky to have something like me in their life and I’m going to be so lucky to have a man someday in my life who is going to give me all the love and care I deserve. 
 

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Hope, Life, single girl problems, thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

In a pickle (FML)

I’m stuck between a rock and fucking problem. I’m still not exactly sure if I know the whole story, or maybe I’m just lying to myself. No I’m sure I don’t know the whole story. Just the fragments, the pieces of what must be a much bigger and more complicated story/issue.

I met this guy about three weeks ago. Really nice, sweet guy, the conversations are easy and he’s a lot of what I’ve been looking for. And those negative qualities I’ve seen so far I’m willing to put up with. Now a week after meeting him, he told me he was “seeing someone.” Now problem number one “seeing one” can mean a bunch of different stuff for different people. Which really sucks because I’m pretty sure after Wednesday night over hearing the word “girlfriend” flying out his kind of tipsy mouth that there is more going on. Which prompted a very long drunk conversation outside, that I kind of remember and I kind of remember talking about poetry…goddamit Sally! Really? Of course drunk Sally starts talking about poetry and my ex’s and when I was cheated on, of course!

I’m so confused at the moment. Because this guy he not acting like I would assume he would. After large amounts of assholes and my fair share of watching my ex cheat I’m confused. Because I’ve met a huge chunk of his very good friends, we are friends on Facebook and well after Wednesday night he called to say sorry and talk to me. Maybe I’m just acting very stupid and very naive.

But this guy could just take off, get out of here, never talk to me again. Like every other guy has done to me. But he hasn’t and maybe he will eventually. But my gut tells me he’s a sincere guy, who does like me a lot. Maybe more than he should.

But I could never be the other woman. Never.

So I will talk to him soon. I will ask him whats going on and I will him what I kind of remember telling Wednesday night when we both were drunk. I will tell him what I have been too nervous to tell most guys. I want more than the hook-up, more than a back up and deserve more than that. I always have deserve more. And I don’t want to ever hurt another woman’s heart so I can have happiness.

I’m very sad and very heart-broken over this, because I know exactly how this is going to play out. He will say sorry, he will feel like shit and he go back to the life he was living. Because there is nothing romantic about leaving someone else for another.

It’s funny because I wonder if this so suppose to happen, I mean something like this situation was bound to happen. People being a part of monogamous relationships at my age seems less and less.

Last month I was thinking a lot about what happened with me. Last night I also told Valerie I don’t think I’m mad at the other woman anymore. To be honest I think I would have gotten over it/her a lot faster if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew her very well and that Thrilla took my car and well how I found out about it.

It was weird to be in these shoes. Different and I told Valerie I’m sad that Thrilla handle things the way they did. Because you know I do think they really loved each other and really were happy together. I wish he would have just broken things off right when things started to become than friends. I’m a bit sad for them in that sense. If only they would have handled it better.

I think they would be together… maybe be happy. And I would be much happier too and without some baggage. I suppose these are the lessons I needed to learn though and has fueled a lot of my soul. Without being cheated on i don’t think I would have ever moved on from Thrilla and I don’t know if I would have ever found poetry.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it.

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Filed under Being a woman, Causal, Confessions, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, FML, Life, my writing, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe

Pull it together Sally

I almost cried at the first coffee shop I was at this morning. I’m onto my second coffee shop and I’m crying.

It’s amazing that one person can be in a room full of people and no one seems to notice to that one person crying. Don’t get me wrong I rather they not notice me crying and I’m keeping it pretty much concealed.

I decide to text that one guy I’ve been speaking to. I know as soon as Valerie reads this post she’s going to kill me but frankly I could no longer handle it. I can no longer handle this back and forth I’ve been dealing with the moment I hooked-up with him.

I like him, more than my mind and body says I should. Or that high power in your bones that tells you to just move on but you can’t and you’re no entirely sure why but you hang on anyhow.

But after Thrilla and after The one that turned out to be an asshole I just can’t handle this anymore. I was doing just fine without all of this knowing he liked me. Because I emotional can’t this back and forth. This speaking to me one moment and then disappearing the next, between school, Ex baggage, my cat, the lost of friendships and my overall stress of my disability I’ve been carrying around these last few weeks. I can’t handle it.

I’m so overwhelmed

Not sure where I begin and where the rest of me has ended up.

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Filed under Confessions, Feeling Lost, school, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe

Maybe I’ll blame the Moon

There must have been a full moon last week, because everything seemed to happen all at once, my past decided to catch up with the present and smack me into a different future then I intended. It’s almost impossible to go everything that happened to me last week, so I will do my best to go chronically day by day. (hopefully this will clear my mind)

Sunday Morning 9/1/13

I called out, “The one that just wants to be a fuck buddy.” Found out from a source that I wasn’t invited to a party because he didn’t want me there. I was furious to say the least. Here is a guy, who not only has just tried to get into my pants, talk about my body parts in a derogatory way, but a guy who is also still seeing is ex and I hear they are planning to move in together. Which leads him to decide to tell friends not to invite me to parties because he doesn’t want to run into me. So I sent him a lovely message, albeit I was a little drunk when I sent it, which I tend to avoid but in these matters I was fend up. This message lends to him trying to play dumb, which lend to him realizing I knew a lot and wasn’t going to back down, which lead to him profusely apologizing to me and trying to make peace with me. So at least now he won’t stop me from seeing the people I care about. (Asshole)

Sunday night 9/1/13

My ex, the one that turned out to be an asshole text me. *Background story* Ran into at a bar downtown, he tried to say to me and my roommate…it was awkward to say the least. Then I get a text message from him, decided to text back which leads to a series of I’m so sorry, It didn’t hit me what I did to you until I saw you at the bar, told me he knows he’s an ass for just bailing on me, just leaving me there, doesn’t know why he did it and many more “I’m sorry” after an already fifty text out. Now I was going to meet up with him, because let’s be honest, an up front apologize means much more, but this has yet to happen. Until then…

Tuesday Early Morning 1am 9/3/13

A new guy enters into the already long list of “confusing me.” I think I’m going to call him, “The one that has a thing for red hair,” because he’s mentioned my hair to me numerous times. He finally moved closer, we have been speaking to each other on and off for sometime now and I decided to be spontaneous for once and drive all the way to this other city, umm about 40 minute drive to lay on an abandoned road between soy beans and corn and make out and other various things. He also happens to be the first guy I’ve done stuff with that is “waiting till marriage” that was new for me. I’m very attracted to him, nice personality. It’s just this encounter left me unsure of what he wants from me.

Wednesday 9/4/13

Met with my professor about my chapbook. He really loved it, told me a few things to fix up with the order of things  but he could tell I’ve been working all summer on my poetry. Glad to be back working with my professors on my work and have them pushing me to submit my work.

Side note: It’s amazing how far I’ve come, it hasn’t been a year yet since I started writing and look how far I have come?! It’s exciting and I know I have so much growing to do still!

Thursday Early Morning 2am 9/5/13

Met with, “The one that’s got a thing for red hair.” Yes that’s right, I drove all the way to see him and to lay in the same field again. It was wonderful to lay with someone, outside, in a location that was clearly trespassing. definitely did “stuff” but left this encounter feeling even more unsure of him and I have that deep feeling inside of me again, that feeling that speaks, “he’s just using you for your body and to get pleasure…there is nothing more there.” I believe this to be true. I’m very disappointed because I thought he would be different.

Friday 9/6/13

Besides the guy problem, I’ve been getting into little fights with my best friend, nothing huge. I think we are both just very emotional and stressed about a lot of things. Plus I haven’t told her the main thing that has been wrapping my stomach into notches on a bedpost…I’m feeling very lonely. I miss having someone, a man to lay in bed with, to wrap his arms around me and snuggle with me. This definitely is a stress I haven’t admitted to anyone. Went to a party, saw The one that turned out to be an asshole,” ended the night with crying in my bedroom, writing and trying to make sense of everything.

Saturday 9/7/13

This was the day the universe decided to give me a giant bear hug, kiss my forehead while saying, “Everything’s going to be ok.” This came in the form of the fact that my roommate need to drive over to this one random shop across town, almost didn’t want to go but I did any how, so it definitely became one of those moments where the universe wants you to be in a certain location at a certain time. There was a car show going on, so that kept my roommate and I there a little longer. As we were walking I was the first to look up at the sky, why? I’m not sure, had a feeling I suppose but I looked up and I saw this:

The day the Universe gave me hope

This was the moment I realize that universe was trying to comfort me. Now I could be wrong and just being a crazy person searching for hope in the clouds but this is what i want to believe, because I saw it first and I felt something different then what I normally do when gazing up at a beautiful sky.

This became a hope, a reminder that everything is going to be ok. I will find love, I will be happy someday and this too shall pass. Of course the cheesiest of the thoughts, don’t forget to remember there is beauty in the rain and like what I teach my high school students, even a flower needs rainy days.

I don’t know if there was a full moon this last week or not that caused everything and everyone in my life to burst onto the scene and build a never-ending emotional battle with myself but one thing I do know for sure…the sky that Saturday blue were the same color as my eyes and the pinks intertwined with hues of my red hair.

Song I’ve fallen in love with: Departure and Farewell by Hem 

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Filed under Asshole, Beautiful, Being a woman, Feeling Lost, universe

One Year

Thank goodness I don’t remember the extact date I found out my boyfriend of almost four years was cheating on me, but I do remember it was between the 14th-20th.

It’s been a year, I got through a year and probably one of the hardest and most beautiful years of my life thus far.

I feel like I’m an alcoholic or a drug addict celebrating my one year of sobriety. I guess they would maybe call it, “celibate.”

Of course I was naked for must of last fall and this spring with various men, so I was very far from being celibate….so far and so naked from being celibate.

This has been a tough year, lots of tears, for not only my ex who cheated on me but for other boys I thought were men, thought they could love me, thought they could fit into my life. And it just took me some time to realize that I was just too farer along in life then they were and they were too scared, too nervous to love someone like me.

I’ve had to learn to really love myself, love myself deep down into my own poetry and realize the moments I feel lonely, are the moments I am closests to my poetry.

I feel as though I am just randomly moving through my thoughts in this post but I don’t feel as though I have a chronically order for my feelings with this past week. Maybe beside feeling like I’m part of alcoholics anonymous I also feel like I lost my arm last year and its the one year anvery of the accident and I barley even notice my arm is even misisng anymore.

All I am left with is wondering if I have ever really been in love with someone. I’m starting to wonder if I ever was and now thats all I’m craving. I’m so hungry for love, for someone to lay down with and just kiss and smile with till the sunrise.

Dang….do I miss having a man wrap his arms around me.

Have I even had a man wrap his arms around me?

 

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Filed under Dating, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Life, Love, sex, Struggles, thoughts