I’m that friend. The woman in the group whose’s stereotyped into, her career comes first, her life comes first. Finding a man, having kids is not happening anytime soon.
I hate this stereotype. I feel like society sets this up and I feel like I let it happen. I let it affect me and I feel like most women in my shoes do the same as well.
We feel guilty, alone and like we don’t belong at times. Like we’ve been branded an outside.
Just because I don’t want a boyfriend in this moment doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. I don’t sit in my room and miss having someone there with me. But there’s also that voice in my head that reminds me I’m too busy to give someone everything they want and relationships a year ago were an addiction, the way I tried getting over the past and those who’ve hurt me.
So yes I’m taking my time, yes I’m not looking for anything serious.
Do I still feel out-of-place? Most of the time. Do I worry everyone will pair up, family will pass away and I will be wishing I had someone? Yes everyday. But I try not to think about. That’s all I can really do. Wait for that right person to enter my life, even if I’m not sure if that will really ever happen.
Would it be sad if I never found the one? A little. But I can say at this point in my life I’m a strong woman. I love my life, I love my poetry, I love the idea of my future and I couldn’t be happier.
Here’s to being single, people judging me, giving them the bird and mouthing, “fuck you.”
I’m restless at the moment. With one paper, journals and one more exam between me and undergrad graduation. My parents will be in town shortly and then I’ll be road-tripping. All sound fun and all are stressing me out.
I’m looking into two manuscript submissions and I’m not sure what to turn into who. Which is stressful. Maybe I’ll get this last paper done tonight so I can put together two chapbooks I would be happy to send out.
I hate and love moving. I hate taking down my good feeling energy. I can already feel it. But I love the idea of change and moving onto a new life. Especially since I’ve lived in this same house for two years now. It’s time to move onto new things (I’m not going to say adventures because…stupid) So the idea of fresh places, a change of scenery sounds wonderful but I hate cleaning, packing, cleaning, hot weather and the never-ending of packing boxes and trying to lift heavy boxes. Which just turns into my ass in the air, loud sounds, cussing and getting no where. (Like bad sex)
Road trip should be fun. I just can’t wait to get over the planning and packing for that as well. Especially because I’m doing most of it. Everyone is so busy it’s hard to meet up with them to work out things and if I don’t get it done…it won’t get done.
So here I am.
But I’m excited because I’ll be in my favorite National Park for my birthday!
But I’m ready. Ready to get home and start making my next move.
I can only take two more weeks of limbo before I say, “fuck this!”
I’m in one of those moods.
Feeling forever doubtful about poetry and my work.
I’m gradating soon and I have seen so many of my fellow talented writers leave college and to never write again.
I don’t want that to happen to my poems.
But is this a real thing? Many moments throughout my day consist of the thought, am I really good at this whole poetry writing stuff or is everyone just being really nice to me? Because who would say, “Well Sally maybe you should try something else.” This is all I got, I love it, I live for it, it’s what makes me feel better and I am the most happy writing and performing. But how will I make money? How will I get into a great MFA (Full time or low residency)
I want to be the best, but this just never seems to be in the cards for me, well I suppose I just need to dig really deep.
I’m just been so down on myself this week and my work. Maybe it’s the period, maybe the terrible back pain that makes me sleepy and in exhausted. MaybeI’m just facing some hard facts.
I don’t know what else to do but keep writing and performing.
Filed under Help, Hope, Life, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, venting, WTF?
I’ve been in this mood since January where I don’t want a relationship. I even get rather irritated when I even imagine being in one.
I feel rather silly about this because looking through so many of my posts where I crave for someone, where I’m dying to be close to someone and now I’m like ugh I don’t want any of that. Which is sad because I’ve had many offers when it comes to dating and I just don’t want any of it right now.
I like my poetry and myself. Rather stick with just my work for a while. I think I need that and I deserve that. I’ve spent too much of my young adult life caring for another person instead of caring for a craft.
It’s my turn and no one is getting in the way this time.
Geez, I sound rather grumpy and blah.
But I don’ t care, because I’m happy with working alone everyday. Nothing gives me more energy and happiness than what my writing gives me.