Singledom

I’m that friend. The woman in the group whose’s stereotyped into, her career comes first, her life comes first. Finding a man, having kids is not happening anytime soon.

I hate this stereotype. I feel like society sets this up and I feel like I let it happen. I let it affect me and I feel like most women in my shoes do the same as well.

We feel guilty, alone and like we don’t belong at times. Like we’ve been branded an outside.

Just because I don’t want a boyfriend in this moment doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. I don’t sit in my room and miss having someone there with me. But there’s also that voice in my head that reminds me I’m too busy to give someone everything they want and relationships a year ago were an addiction, the way I tried getting over the past and those who’ve hurt me.

So yes I’m taking my time, yes I’m not looking for anything serious.

Do I still feel out-of-place? Most of the time. Do I worry everyone will pair up, family will pass away and I will be wishing I had someone? Yes everyday. But I try not to think about. That’s all I can really do. Wait for that right person to enter my life, even if I’m not sure if that will really ever happen.

Would it be sad if I never found the one? A little. But I can say at this point in my life I’m a strong woman. I love my life, I love my poetry, I love the idea of my future and I couldn’t be happier.

Here’s to being single, people judging me, giving them the bird and mouthing, “fuck you.”

Six Months No Sex (Setting records)

The first time I ever has sex was my junior year of high school. I was 17 and the first friend in my group of friend to check this next step into “growing up.” Something that sounded rather more exciting than actually doing it and I really don’t much have much memory of my first time, or the many times to follow. Besides the room, my ex and a few feeling here and there.

That unsure feeling in the moment. The push into the idea “pun-intended” the shaking and worry of who I will feel like after all this.

I didn’t feel any different.

My body was still thin and my boobs remained small. My freckles didn’t shift towards my feet like they were trying to run away, migrate to a safer body.

Many young women try so hard, through ritual steps to fill those heels and walk like a lady. Like at 10-years-old we weren’t women yet, like feeling our bodies shift, our periods flow and men staring at our growing bodies wasn’t enough to call ourselves women.

We women always feel like we must the tests to become a woman. The period, the bra of different lace, boyfriend, break-ups, cheating, sex (good at it) sexy but holy white, get married, have kids and raise them well. Then we feel like a woman? So far all I’ve learned is how none of these so-called “rights of passage” do nothing to make feel any more like a woman. If anything I have felt more embarrassed, ashamed and trying more and more to be the right kind of woman for the right kind of guy that’s going to be everything for me.

And he never came along. (Ok I’m young) But 25 is right around the corner and this society I’m apart, the one I’ve dressed up for, wore colors on my face and bleed with for years now expects I would have found “him.”

Being that young woman, almost 25, very single and thinking about my next career moves. Makes me feel like an outsider in my culture. I know the culture is shifting but in many respects it’s not. feminist is still a dirty word and people at open mic’s and classrooms want to rinse my mouth out with soap. People still tell me what to wear and not wear. Other’s stare at my breast, make sexist comments to my face and many disrespect my space and my voice.

I haven’t had sex in six months. A record for me. I’ve been having sex since I was 17 and the longest I’ve gone without sex was four months, so being 24 years old and I haven’t had sex in six months is a record-breaking event.

It’s not looking like this record is going to end anytime soon and it’s due to a mix of things. I don’t like any of the men in the area. I don’t want them to touch after hearing the words that flap off their tongues. And I’m really enjoying touching myself lately.

Sex has always been me dictionary definition of who I am. I’m good at sex. I’m sexy, slutty and I know what a man wants. My blow jobs are good and know how to follow the ride.

This was everything I thought I was. So when Thrilla cheated on me and he was second person to cheat on me if really shattered my image of who I was. Because I thought I could keep someone around if I gave them sex, was good at sex and could bend my back in just the right ways.

Sex does not make me more of a woman.

It took me most of my life so far to figure this out.

And I don’t want any other women to feel like this, though I know many do. So I will do everything in my power to end this. It’s time our generation moves on and educates women correctly about sex.

It’s not a definition for who you are as a person or what you can give.

Six months is a long time for me and if you asked me a year ago if I hadn’t sex in six months I would have hated it. But right now in this moment I don’t feel less of a person. If anything I feel more like myself and more of a woman because I have given myself something I always gave to others. My time.

Transition

• I’m disappointed in a few of my poet friends. (Should I be surprised?) No. That’s how artist can be sometimes and Speech and debate performers for that matter, so I’m use to this disappointment. I must remind myself, that it’s their loss and they are artist who do not want their career to grow like mine. So fuck it!
• There’s this perpetual feeling that swings back and forth in my chest. I am far too busy for a relationship, to give myself to a man. But then there is that sinking feeling. Watching others pair up and I just feel like that unicorn in my childhood Noah’s ark book, sitting alone on a rock, watching the water climb up. I know its morbid but what happens when all my family dies, when uncles and aunts are gone, when my parents leave this life? I’m starting to understand the true need to find someone and it’s kind of sad all around. That we cannot fathom being alone so we must pair up with another, settle for someone else to create our happiness instead of it being the other way around. I think about my professor and how he says how thankful he is for his wife and all the shows she goes to with him. And I don’t have that. Not right now anyways. But then it begs the question, do I want to settle? No.

And so continues the never-ending cycle and the thoughts of loneliness

• I’m moving soon. Leaving the midwest (for now) and returning to California. Going to teach high school, coach some speech and work on my writing. I’m nervous to leave all my friends and a city that has been so good to me. But it’s time. Time to try a bigger stage for my poetry. I’m ready for this. (I hope)
• I had a nice chat with my poetry professor yesterday. He spoke some wonderful words to me about my work and how I will make a wonderful teacher. (I needed that) As you’ll (who read) notice I’ve been a bit down on myself and my work. I need a boost, because I was really doubting my work recently. Today I’m feeling better. I’m working on a poem that means a lot to me and I’m hoping to have it done for workshop tomorrow.
• When I return home to California I’ll be 25-years-old. I’m transiting into who I will be for the rest of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 9-year-old Sally would have never thought I would end up here. A writer, an English major and almost done with school. But thinking about grad school. These were once just silly dreams of mine, from a “special kid.” I don’t feel disable very often.

I’ll take this post with a side of bitter and a cup of pissed off

I did one of these awhile ago. I will admit these can be rather trivial, silly and a bit sexist in certain aspects but sometimes a girl just has to set a few rules and expectations.

For most of my young adult, which hasn’t been that long yet I have been silly with the qualities I’m looking for in a man, until recently when I was like, “UGH I”M SICK OF ALL THIS!” (I will purpose the sexist cliché idea that I am bitter and on my period right now.”

(These are blunt, honest and I’m not sorry)

• No drugs. I’m over the pot smoking, ecstasy and lines of “nose candy” bullshit. You once smoked, fine I don’t care and understand I have a terrible addiction to Dr. Pepper and the TV Show Grey’s Anatomy. We will have our vices, but I’m over dealing with men that use substances to create art, to have fun or to basically get through the day.
• Drinking too much. Look I’m a fun gal, I get drunk, I enjoy it, shit I write everyday and sometimes a glass of wine is needed. But hearing someone is drinking everyday, three beers a day. I’m sorry but its a turn off. I don’t need to get drunk twice a week. Shit barley once a month to have the craving of, “I wanna get wasted.”
• Using the word “Ghetto.” I’m over it and done.
• Not supporting my right of choice. Look if you don’t believe in it, fine that’s your freedom but don’t expect to date me.
• Grammar correction. Over it. I get it you notice when people have spelling mistakes or grammar issues. You need to get a life and worry about your own language and the lack of quality within it.
• A man who enjoys cooking, because I’m going to blunt and honest. I don’t cook and I don’t have the patience for it. So it would be lovely to date a man who enjoys cooking.
• Has a car: for too long have a been the one in the relationship driving us everywhere
• Who will pay for dinner. Look I’ll buy too but for too long have I been the sole provider of meals. Over it.
• Dresses like their age.
• No racist, sexist, homophobic comments
• I hate “no homo”
• Calling another women a bitch, slut, the over million derogatory  terms is not ok. If you think about other women like that then how should I expect you to picture me or women in my life.
• Saying things about me like, too fat, too thin. I’m tired of the too much or the not enough.
• If they are in love with an art form, oh gosh that be lovely. I haven’t date many artists. More the frat boys, the runners and a few choir boys.
• I love when someone has future goals and aspirations but whats more attractive  is when someone actually achieves their dreams and goals. I’ve dated too many men that have spat on about “going back to school” “getting that place to live” blah blah blah Stop talking and go out and get what you want.
• I hate,  I HATE when a guy asks me why all my poetry is so angry. Gosh that’s so rude.
• Have a passion and love it to pieces
• Don’t dislike the TV show Friends. Regardless if you’re a fan or not. It’s such a red flag when you have such a hate for it. What did the TV ever do to you? Oh that’s right you must not have a soul.
• Turn off #1 when a guy says, “I hate books.”  I’m fine if you’re not a fan but if you can’t tell me one book you enjoyed reading, like Harry Potter even…then we have a problem!
• When men post pictures of naked women on their Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr or anywhere! Ugh I hate it. Nasty.
• Not having a career
• Too much video game playing. I don’t mind the video game playing here and there but when that’s all you do…I’m sorry just not going to work for me.
• They have their own set of friends and spend time with them. I think of it as a red flag when a guy really just goes to work, home and well that’s it. They have no one else in their life.
• Talking down to me
• Acting like you are Gods gift to art, ugh I know a few of these boys in my workshops *yuck*
• When men use the phrase “ugh i hate academia” First of all if you’re using academia you are in academia. And whats wrong with the pursuit of education, but that’s going to be another post
• Don’t tell me you’re not good enough for me, because I’ll realize, “hmm you’re right…see yea!”

Ok this is all I could think of and I’m not as bitter not that I have had wine and ice cream but I’ll think of more!

Dear New Years Kiss….I hope you’re the best piece of cheesecake I’ve ever eaten

It’s that time again….the New Year is upon us, or New Years Eve is to be exact.

Here I am. In my underwear, eating pizza, a stick of cheese and watching Grey’s Anatomy. What more kind a girl want after Monday night drinks. Shout out to finally hanging out with a good friend! Don’t worry you won’t be named the professor on my blog. (insert laugh out loud moment)

Now a lot had happened this year….I’ve been naked more times than I care to count but hey!! LETS FUCKING COUNT!

1. Peeta: He looked like the guy from the Hunger Games and was too scared to tell me he wanted things to end. hahaha MESS! He was ok making out with, decent at other stuff.
2. The Awkward Upside Down Turtle: Haven’t written about him yet, but this was a brief and very short encounter. That ended solely because it was too awkward and nothing was clicking. Sexually or emotionally. Which are both huge components for me.
3. That one time I made out and other stuff with a friend: Yeah…..not the best idea. Nice guy, cool but he’s stuck in life and also a sloppy kisser.
4. Dumb-ass runner: We saw each other for a good few months, this is the asshole guy. He’s a nice guy and everything, just stupid as shit. Kissing was pretty good. Just took a bit of time and that’s the same with sex. But damn…..we had sex twice a day for three months!! I shit you not…we may miss one day out of those three months. Lots of me upside down and my red handcuffs.
5. Oh yeah….that huge asshole who was the most sexist, full of himself dude: Now I will admit he was good-looking, but shit on a pine corn, NO ONE IS THAT GOOD LOOKING. He was a dick and then some! Glad I ended that. Man was he pissed….that asshole. Learn how to treat a women and then never speak to me again.
6. Bahaha remember that time my old ex from High school tried to hook up with me….hahaha and then he tried to act sexy by telling me he did nose candy.
7. Brusier: I did like you and drunk sex on Easter was great and a really funny story. Yet I’m glad it never worked out though. You’re a good guy, but not for me.
8. Virgin Corn Field: Gosh I almost forgot about you! Ha! You seemed like the whole package, then I actually hung out with you.
9. The one that wanted to be a fuck buddy: Ugh….such an ass and creepy.
10. The fuck buddy: Yeah….this fuck buddy is ending now. I’m done with that train. So move out of my station please! I needs me a new train to pull in.
11. Remember that time I fooled around with the Spaniard: hahaha omg yeah!
12. The one’s name that rhymes with Dick: Yeah…thanks for letting me know you’re engaged.

Wow….that was a lot of Penis.

Song of the year: Leave me Here by Hem

Movie of the year: (the one’s I watched waaay too much): A Tie between watching Return of the King too much and Dark Knight Rises. New movie I saw that I enjoyed: Some Like it Hot

Quotation of the Year:

 “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”Elizabeth Gilbert

Book of the Year: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Poetry Book of the Year: Words for Empty and Words for Full by Bob Hicok 

Mess of the Year Moment: When I woke up in the wrong bed after a hook-up. Always fun to wake up in their roommates bed….I suppose.

Numbers of 2013:

• Only threw up three times after drinking this year and I kind of remember one of the time and it was pretty clean and quick in the bathroom before I passed out.
• Five times I was told I was caught drunkenly talking to objects
• Six times I got stuck on a door, the stairs railing, or some other object
• Probably Twenty time I’m sure I said I wasn’t going to drink much and I ended up drinking a lot!
• Four one-night-stands in the year 2013
• I’ve let go of two really great friendships in 2013

In 2013 I lost my kitty Cat Rosie. The last of my childhood pets. I will miss her dearly.

New Years Resolution:

I think having New Years Resolutions are total bullshit and five chicken pies! They always end up being about working out, finding love, or writing in a journal. Half that shit should be an everyday thought.

Resolutions should be like:

• I’m going to eat the shot out of some cake
• Watch Breaking Bad naked
• Sing the entire Highway to Hell album in the shower

The word Resolution is such a firm, eck word.

I prefer to think of every thing I do in my life as something I’ve been planning all a long. I don’t have resolutions, but there’s some shit I would like to make happen:

• For my heart to beat heavy when someone kisses me
• To make this Oreo cake son of a bitch
• I will not drunk download anymore shitty music on iTunes
• Have sushi with my brother this weekend
• Get my book published
• Stop googling the men I’m dating
• Get published in Rattle
• Maybe have a dinner date where food doesn’t end up in my hair
• You know how like guys shave their beards all fun ways and then shave it all off. Well I want to do that! But with the downstairs
• Check off some of my sex bucket list
• GO ON A GREAT DATE

2014! Lets do this!

This is going to be the year of poetry shows, manuscripts that make me cry and eat food, wine, beer, books, enjoying my last class with my favorite professor and getting ready to start the rest of my life.

I’m going to be a speed limit this year (Turning 25) But I’ll be speeding around with my red hair, probably naked and eating too much cheese and fries.

When dinner dates go well

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a date go well. It’s been a long time since things felt easy. Been a long time since I was naked, sober and didn’t end up having sex. (Hey…I may have been  a bit naked but it was about time)

I may be an ultra feminist at times but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy when a man takes me out to dinner, than coffee. A man who will open doors for me and well basically does every polite thing you can think of. Plus enjoying these aspects shouldn’t ever be labeled as “anti-feminist.”

Geez, I like it when a man can step up to the plate and tell me I damn good. I know I look good but I also like to hear it.

I had a wonderful thursday night. I’m not sure where this will go and I’ve become rather pessimistic at the age of 24. Which is a shame to feel so bitter about dating at this age but after the shit I’ve dealt with are we surprised? I’m not…well I guess I went through it so…

It was the first time in a very long time I felt a connection with someone and to have that returned as well. To sit down and realize so many true connections are nice. Even if this goes no where and ends up becoming a mess or something it was definitely the little push I needed to become a sad woman with a bunch of plants, or cats.

And I’m not going to lie the sexual tense was hot, hot….did I say how hot it was? Damn I haven’t been that hot since I went hiking in Death Valley. I’m also going to be rather vain but I know I’m good at what I do. Sometimes I have these fleeting moments of forgetting and I worry and then I’m like, “oh yeah….I’m good at that shit.” This time was different too…there was definitely a different connection I felt in a long time and I know he definitely felt it.

Or….maybe I’m just that good at giving head.

Any ways for now I’m going to enjoy the moments and the fact that I went on a date with someone who isn’t in college.

Thank you Jesus for tall men with bodies.

He’s not calling, the routine I have endured.

I am exhausted.

By the series of actions, words and events men have placed upon my heart. The cheesy lines, the declaring of how amazingly beautiful, smart and strong I am. And the ever popular activity that’s been happen to me far too often the last year, just disappearing altogether without so much as a goodbye.

And I have become exhausted, drying out, bent over below shower heads.

At the end of the day I’m hurt. I’m always on the rim of giving up on finding the moments of someone who is ready to not disappoint me. To be honest after this week and if this night ends where I believe its going I think I’m ready to cleanse myself. You know what, I’m going to cleanse myself this weekend and really consider no dating for a while because this body is about to give way, about to fall to the floor.

I don’t know how much of this I can handle.

But I get it. I’m beautiful, I’m strong, a gifted, talented woman. I’m just not the one for you.

I’m glad we have made this clear time and time again. And I’m glad to hope that someday I will thank God I didn’t end up with your dumb ass.

Until then my heart is exhausted and filled up to the brim and I’m not sure how much more I can carry at this moment before everything spills over.

This is my routine the steps of becoming heart-broken too many times. Letting others affect me and letting them get away with it.

This is the routine I have become. The beautiful girl, super cool, talented, a sweetheart. Just not enough for someone to want to spend their time on. Or perhaps I’m too much….this is what I tell myself.

The routine of the inner monologue I play through the day, “I’m too strong and they all just can’t handle this love.”

I better get some damn good ass Karma after turning down sex twice

Twice tonight two men have hit me up for a good old-time.

Men I have had hook ups with before.

And twice have I said, “No I can’t. I have a paper to work on.”

I haven’t had sex since May! MAY MAAAAAAAAYYY And I said no.

I’m either stupid, accidentally drunk and I’m not thinking, I’m masturbating too much or I have been eating too much cake or I’m just I don’t know…AHHH

I think someone should give me a medal. AND GOD! YEAH! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! YOU OWE ME!

Dear Bruiser,

Get yourself together because I want to have sex with you and you’re killing me! Killing me!

I had to post this up, it’s not every night at 3am not just one guy but two and a kind of third hit you up.

AHHH SEX!

Exhausted and getting my ass kicked (And not in the way I would want)

^That title is my failed sexual pun.

Man, I failed at life today! The bad jokes, cutting my foot shaving (I have hobbit feet, they gots to be shaved!) to dropping my apple mid bit as I was walking to class and yelling out loud, “ahhh man!” girl walking by me laughing. Then bringing the wrong book to class. Then hitting my toe on the stairs and a series of more terrible jokes.

(I wasn’t upset about any of these things, it was actually all pretty funny)

I’m so exhausted tonight!

From the three papers, getting my chapbook into my professor for my independent study, working and working on submissions and of course finally memorizing and more memorizing for this Thursday poetry performance, where I’ll be featured!

I’m so exhausted and now I’m planning on a 45 minute performance on my own schools campus, in their art series, which may happen within a weeks time. Of course I have more papers due within these two weeks and submission deadlines are about to come up. And I’m editing now for my schools journal.

I haven’t been this exhausted since, well coaching a year ago. Normally I don’t need a lot of sleep or rest but damn….my ass is getting kicked and I’m feeling it tonight.

But awesome news for next year! In Feb. I’ll be touring from Feb. 17th-20th through Kansas, two schools in Nebraska and then Iowa. That’s going to be one hell of a sick week! I cannot wait!

Damn I’m craving a milk shake and a burger right now! That’s it! I’m getting myself a burger and fries and an awesome milk shake on Friday! OMG! I can’t wait!

I want this burger so bad that I would give up hot hot sex, with a naked bearded man holding a very yummy dark beer. I know the whole bearded man thing may not sound like a big deal but believe me my friends know how badly beards make me hot! So to give that up for a burger….THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!

Wow…this post went from one conversation about poetry and writing to food.

As it should.

Disappointed

I spent the majority of my summer speaking to a few guys.

One that lead to me realizing he just wanted to be my fuck buddy

Another that I still speak to, he’s a nice guy. I liked him last year, but after everything he put me through, now he didn’t do anything terrible just couldn’t make his mind up over me, a past relantionship and the fact that I slept with one of his friends. I’m not about to wait around, be given what little he’s willing to give or work around just his needs. I have needs too.

And the third, well the third one is definitely a disappointment. From speaking to him sense May, someone who was obviously pursuing me. From late night skyping to back and forth conversation. A nice guy, who didn’t talk about wanting to see me naked, just wanted to get to know me. Too good to be true I suppose. I thought this was going to end up finally being a break for me, someone to get to know more and more. Plsu he was moving closer to the town I live in. After three meetings and the fact that he has stopped talking to me I realize this has become nothing but a disappointment. A bummer that I thought this guy was going to be different.

Then again I’ve done with every guy thats walked my way.

That this guy is going to prove me wrong, that for once someone sees me more then sex, more then a body laid out on bed sheets. That this guy is going to change everything.

Now I’m just very down and very disappointed. I know this is especially true because my dream have been extremely voilent. Which is very frustrating because I’ve been up almost every night this week till 4am, then wake up at 9am, working on my poetry, go to class, eat and go off to a few activities for the day.

I hope this feeling goes away soon. I miss sleeping and I have a lot of poems to memorize.

But damn, I’m craving for someone. Don’t have any one in mind but man oh man I am longing for a man. *sigh* Cheesecake is good too

And masturbating.