Category Archives: Asshole

I’ll take this post with a side of bitter and a cup of pissed off

I did one of these awhile ago. I will admit these can be rather trivial, silly and a bit sexist in certain aspects but sometimes a girl just has to set a few rules and expectations.

For most of my young adult, which hasn’t been that long yet I have been silly with the qualities I’m looking for in a man, until recently when I was like, “UGH I”M SICK OF ALL THIS!” (I will purpose the sexist cliché idea that I am bitter and on my period right now.”

(These are blunt, honest and I’m not sorry)

  • No drugs. I’m over the pot smoking, ecstasy and lines of “nose candy” bullshit. You once smoked, fine I don’t care and understand I have a terrible addiction to Dr. Pepper and the TV Show Grey’s Anatomy. We will have our vices, but I’m over dealing with men that use substances to create art, to have fun or to basically get through the day.
  • Drinking too much. Look I’m a fun gal, I get drunk, I enjoy it, shit I write everyday and sometimes a glass of wine is needed. But hearing someone is drinking everyday, three beers a day. I’m sorry but its a turn off. I don’t need to get drunk twice a week. Shit barley once a month to have the craving of, “I wanna get wasted.”
  • Using the word “Ghetto.” I’m over it and done.
  • Not supporting my right of choice. Look if you don’t believe in it, fine that’s your freedom but don’t expect to date me.
  • Grammar correction. Over it. I get it you notice when people have spelling mistakes or grammar issues. You need to get a life and worry about your own language and the lack of quality within it.
  • A man who enjoys cooking, because I’m going to blunt and honest. I don’t cook and I don’t have the patience for it. So it would be lovely to date a man who enjoys cooking.
  • Has a car: for too long have a been the one in the relationship driving us everywhere
  • Who will pay for dinner. Look I’ll buy too but for too long have I been the sole provider of meals. Over it.
  • Dresses like their age.
  • No racist, sexist, homophobic comments
  • I hate “no homo”
  • Calling another women a bitch, slut, the over million derogatory  terms is not ok. If you think about other women like that then how should I expect you to picture me or women in my life.
  • Saying things about me like, too fat, too thin. I’m tired of the too much or the not enough.
  • If they are in love with an art form, oh gosh that be lovely. I haven’t date many artists. More the frat boys, the runners and a few choir boys.
  • I love when someone has future goals and aspirations but whats more attractive  is when someone actually achieves their dreams and goals. I’ve dated too many men that have spat on about “going back to school” “getting that place to live” blah blah blah Stop talking and go out and get what you want.
  • I hate,  I HATE when a guy asks me why all my poetry is so angry. Gosh that’s so rude.
  • Have a passion and love it to pieces
  • Don’t dislike the TV show Friends. Regardless if you’re a fan or not. It’s such a red flag when you have such a hate for it. What did the TV ever do to you? Oh that’s right you must not have a soul.
  • Turn off #1 when a guy says, “I hate books.”  I’m fine if you’re not a fan but if you can’t tell me one book you enjoyed reading, like Harry Potter even…then we have a problem!
  • When men post pictures of naked women on their Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr or anywhere! Ugh I hate it. Nasty.
  • Not having a career
  • Too much video game playing. I don’t mind the video game playing here and there but when that’s all you do…I’m sorry just not going to work for me.
  • They have their own set of friends and spend time with them. I think of it as a red flag when a guy really just goes to work, home and well that’s it. They have no one else in their life.
  • Talking down to me
  • Acting like you are Gods gift to art, ugh I know a few of these boys in my workshops *yuck*
  • When men use the phrase “ugh i hate academia” First of all if you’re using academia you are in academia. And whats wrong with the pursuit of education, but that’s going to be another post
  • Don’t tell me you’re not good enough for me, because I’ll realize, “hmm you’re right…see yea!”

Ok this is all I could think of and I’m not as bitter not that I have had wine and ice cream but I’ll think of more!

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Filed under Asshole, Confessions, Dating, for fun, List, single girl problems, What do you want in a man, WTF?

The dick

This weekend was a reminder of past pain that I though I was almost over with. But triggers have a way of going off and within seconds your laying on a crying in tears struggling to breathe about all the pain you’ve endeared. I always think about the quote by Joan Didion.

“I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way to deal with everything we lose.” 

Last night all the way till noon today I spoke to a guy I was starting to really like. Lets call him “the dick.” Not because his penis was large or anything, he just ended up being a dick.

I found out he not only has a girlfriend but I’m pretty sure they have been together for years now. He came over, we talked for a long time about everything throughout our lives. I guess we didn’t want to focus on the real issue at hand.

Which we eventually ended up on, which of course ends exactly how anyone would expect it to. He loves his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to give up on that. Yes, he does really like me. But let’s be honest whenever does someone really leave their relationship for a “like.” Ok, maybe my ex did that. But most guys aren’t going to leave their girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is also his fiancé.

It was terrible this morning. Absolutely an awful morning. I will never see him again. I mean of course I’ll probably run into him downtown here and there. Which will be awful and of course Valerie will murder him each time she runs into him.

I cried, slept for three hours, eat some food. And I’m feeling much better. It amazing how easily I can move on more and more now. Will I break down a few more times? Yeah, I probably will. Will this fill up another piece of baggage for me. Of course.

But later today everything seemed to changed. The universe of something is looking out for me because everything shifted to a much better day. A bunch of people I haven’t spoken to in a while spoke to me. A few will be in town next week and I cannot wait to be back home for a little bit and enjoy friends and family. I’m so so thankful that something is watching out for in the world. I have never felt more safe and so full of comfort.

Thank you

It gives me hope.

 
Now “the dick” is just distant memory of how terrible men can be and the test that I made sure that I never do what was done to me. I could have continued on with fooling around with him, but that’s not ok. I told him he should tell her too. To be honest I don’t think he will. I don’t think that’s ok. He will be another lesson, another pain and another reminder that I do deserve better and i will find someone who is going to be so lucky to have something like me in their life and I’m going to be so lucky to have a man someday in my life who is going to give me all the love and care I deserve. 
 

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Hope, Life, single girl problems, thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

It’s been rough, Zombie rough

Zombie

I sang in a show on Saturday! Badass zombie make-up

My poetry has been rather frustrating lately. Not the poetry’s fault, but I do blame all my class work and certain events that have taken place that have really put a damper on my work. Which sucks because I have a huge contest deadline on Thursday and I’m not too happy with the product I have right now. I haven’t had a lot of people willing to go through my stuff and I haven’t had the time to write and it’s very much effecting my moods. Lets hope this mood goes away soon.

I had to deal with some assholes last week. The mens club that goes on without the poetry community is one of the worst ones out there. No my name is not baby and you’re a pig for not only performing drunk, for thinking your shit is gold but especially for rubbing up against women. (More on this later maybe.

(SCHOOL IS A BITCH AND A HALF)

I must confess I have been struggling with posting this last week and I have so much to say now I feel like this post may be rather too long but FUCK IT!

The one that wants to be the fuck-buddy emailed me a second time and sent me a friend request. GO AWAY! He has been nothing but drama in my life and I don’t need any more of that in my life.

Virgin Cornfield guy called me out of the blue tonight. Which was funny because I was crying. He told me I could come over lay down and just fall asleep, you know get away. Which I was rather tempted to, because comfort right now is something I’m dying for, but i know this is something I need to get through without needing someone. Plus he’s not the guy I want comforting me.

THAT guy (the one I really like right now) seems to have stop speaking to me. I know I could be over doing it, so what if he hasn’t text me in three days. This wouldn’t be a problem, but the fact that he’s bailed so many times before this just worries me even more. He just has promised so much these last few days and out of no where just kind of stopped speaking to me. I’m so sensitive to stuff right now and this is just going to drive me rather crazy, especially since we kissed the last week. For all I know he’s changed his mind. (Not sure what to do)

The hardest thing to deal with at the moment…my kitty cat back at home in California is not doing so hot. She’s 20 years old and she’s been my bestest little friend for these last 20 years now. My mom keeps sending me these cute little texts and stuff, like they took her into the vet today and my mom texts me she’s a tough old cat and a fighter. I don’t think she’s going to be around much longer, but if I am to be honest I rather not be home when she decides its time to go. I know I must sound rather silly, because some people don’t care for cats every much or think well it’s only an animal.

But I don’t think it’s silly. She’s my best friend, she was there when my doggy was hit by a car, she was there during the moments I felt so stupid and struggled each time in school. She was there after each break ups. She was always there and she’s always been there for me. It’s hard to think I won’t have that little cat in my corner for much longer. She’s the last of my childhood pets and my God I’m going to miss her to pieces when she’s gone and I think that may be happening pretty soon. (I’m Praying for you Kitty cat) I wish I could give her one last hug, but she knows I love her.

Adele: Make you feel my love

God, I need a pick me up after these last few weeks.
I’m burnt out and about to give up.

And I hope my writing picks up too

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Being a woman, Cats, Dreams, Feeling Lost, Help, Home, Love, My kitty cat, my writing, poetry, school, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts

Maybe I’ll blame the Moon

There must have been a full moon last week, because everything seemed to happen all at once, my past decided to catch up with the present and smack me into a different future then I intended. It’s almost impossible to go everything that happened to me last week, so I will do my best to go chronically day by day. (hopefully this will clear my mind)

Sunday Morning 9/1/13

I called out, “The one that just wants to be a fuck buddy.” Found out from a source that I wasn’t invited to a party because he didn’t want me there. I was furious to say the least. Here is a guy, who not only has just tried to get into my pants, talk about my body parts in a derogatory way, but a guy who is also still seeing is ex and I hear they are planning to move in together. Which leads him to decide to tell friends not to invite me to parties because he doesn’t want to run into me. So I sent him a lovely message, albeit I was a little drunk when I sent it, which I tend to avoid but in these matters I was fend up. This message lends to him trying to play dumb, which lend to him realizing I knew a lot and wasn’t going to back down, which lead to him profusely apologizing to me and trying to make peace with me. So at least now he won’t stop me from seeing the people I care about. (Asshole)

Sunday night 9/1/13

My ex, the one that turned out to be an asshole text me. *Background story* Ran into at a bar downtown, he tried to say to me and my roommate…it was awkward to say the least. Then I get a text message from him, decided to text back which leads to a series of I’m so sorry, It didn’t hit me what I did to you until I saw you at the bar, told me he knows he’s an ass for just bailing on me, just leaving me there, doesn’t know why he did it and many more “I’m sorry” after an already fifty text out. Now I was going to meet up with him, because let’s be honest, an up front apologize means much more, but this has yet to happen. Until then…

Tuesday Early Morning 1am 9/3/13

A new guy enters into the already long list of “confusing me.” I think I’m going to call him, “The one that has a thing for red hair,” because he’s mentioned my hair to me numerous times. He finally moved closer, we have been speaking to each other on and off for sometime now and I decided to be spontaneous for once and drive all the way to this other city, umm about 40 minute drive to lay on an abandoned road between soy beans and corn and make out and other various things. He also happens to be the first guy I’ve done stuff with that is “waiting till marriage” that was new for me. I’m very attracted to him, nice personality. It’s just this encounter left me unsure of what he wants from me.

Wednesday 9/4/13

Met with my professor about my chapbook. He really loved it, told me a few things to fix up with the order of things  but he could tell I’ve been working all summer on my poetry. Glad to be back working with my professors on my work and have them pushing me to submit my work.

Side note: It’s amazing how far I’ve come, it hasn’t been a year yet since I started writing and look how far I have come?! It’s exciting and I know I have so much growing to do still!

Thursday Early Morning 2am 9/5/13

Met with, “The one that’s got a thing for red hair.” Yes that’s right, I drove all the way to see him and to lay in the same field again. It was wonderful to lay with someone, outside, in a location that was clearly trespassing. definitely did “stuff” but left this encounter feeling even more unsure of him and I have that deep feeling inside of me again, that feeling that speaks, “he’s just using you for your body and to get pleasure…there is nothing more there.” I believe this to be true. I’m very disappointed because I thought he would be different.

Friday 9/6/13

Besides the guy problem, I’ve been getting into little fights with my best friend, nothing huge. I think we are both just very emotional and stressed about a lot of things. Plus I haven’t told her the main thing that has been wrapping my stomach into notches on a bedpost…I’m feeling very lonely. I miss having someone, a man to lay in bed with, to wrap his arms around me and snuggle with me. This definitely is a stress I haven’t admitted to anyone. Went to a party, saw The one that turned out to be an asshole,” ended the night with crying in my bedroom, writing and trying to make sense of everything.

Saturday 9/7/13

This was the day the universe decided to give me a giant bear hug, kiss my forehead while saying, “Everything’s going to be ok.” This came in the form of the fact that my roommate need to drive over to this one random shop across town, almost didn’t want to go but I did any how, so it definitely became one of those moments where the universe wants you to be in a certain location at a certain time. There was a car show going on, so that kept my roommate and I there a little longer. As we were walking I was the first to look up at the sky, why? I’m not sure, had a feeling I suppose but I looked up and I saw this:

The day the Universe gave me hope

This was the moment I realize that universe was trying to comfort me. Now I could be wrong and just being a crazy person searching for hope in the clouds but this is what i want to believe, because I saw it first and I felt something different then what I normally do when gazing up at a beautiful sky.

This became a hope, a reminder that everything is going to be ok. I will find love, I will be happy someday and this too shall pass. Of course the cheesiest of the thoughts, don’t forget to remember there is beauty in the rain and like what I teach my high school students, even a flower needs rainy days.

I don’t know if there was a full moon this last week or not that caused everything and everyone in my life to burst onto the scene and build a never-ending emotional battle with myself but one thing I do know for sure…the sky that Saturday blue were the same color as my eyes and the pinks intertwined with hues of my red hair.

Song I’ve fallen in love with: Departure and Farewell by Hem 

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Filed under Asshole, Beautiful, Being a woman, Feeling Lost, universe

Shocked

Its over, whatever you just call what I did with “asshole” for almost three months; its over. Now here comes the tricky part, what happened? Why? There is no answer and looks like there never will be. Which is disappointing to say the least, because I really thought this guy was one of the good ones.

Sitting here shocked like walking away from a car accident that no one understands. I walk away with only a few marks, a few scars but more filled with confusion, shocked and sad to lose someone I was hoping would become a close friend even if things never worked out for us.

I’ve deeply disappointed in him and not sure what I will do when I run into, or what he will do if he runs into me.

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t coma back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head.”
― Henry RollinsThe Portable Henry Rollins

 

So much for not feeling like a hook-up. So much for him saying I was more then sex.

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Filed under Asshole, Feeling Lost, sex, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, WTF?