Tag Archives: dreams

My dreams

Last night I went through a series of crazy ass dreams and lucky enough I woke up remembering a few details. In of my dreams I was on a huge eagle flying, it was dark brown, reds and deep blues. And from what I remember we were working together to save someone or overcome something, but I’m not exactly sure.

So like the weird person I am I looked up an interpretation of dreams:

To see birds in your dream symbolize your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represent joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

To see an eagle in your dream symbolizes nobility, pride, fierceness, freedom, superiority, courage,  and powerful intellectual ability. It also represents self-renewal and your connection with your spirituality. You will struggle fiercely and courageously to realize your highest ambitions and greatest desires.

Then I remember another dream I had where my room was filled with lit candles:

To see a burning candle in your dream signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. You are in a comfortable stage in your life and may be seeking spiritual enlightenment. Lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.

I thought that was a cool little interpretation and I think both these interpretation have a lot to say for how I have been feeling the past week or so. I think thats always so funky about dreams, that your mind is trying to figure things out when you’re resting and I always love to realize my waking life and my mind at rest are both going through things and figuring everything out.

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Filed under Dreams, Sleep, thoughts

Egg Shells

breakfast-badass-makes-eggs-scrambled-and-hard-boiled-without-cracking-shell.w654

 

I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.

*Breaking out of my shell*

That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling  irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.

To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”

I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?

God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.

There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.

Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.

And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a  strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.

I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.

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Filed under about me, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dreams, good energy, Hope, Life, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Dreams

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Last week was ROUGH. I had a really hard week. From poetry, friends and men.

But this last week I finally spoke up in my life.

I’ve always been a quite person, the silent observer you learned about in interpersonal class on working groups. I was a shy little kid and thanks to speech and debate, poetry and a few friends most people don’t believe me at all that I’m shy.

Yet I have barely spoken up when it comes to serious conversations in my life. I’ve always felt I could never articulate myself, especially after years of special education I’ve never treated my thoughts or my voice as something of intellectual significance. So I’ve remained rather silent. Until I found poetry, a place to write out all my thoughts out. Because I had time to think my ideas and thoughts over and put them down in a way for people to hear my voice. Which is funny because that’s what everyone really loved about my poetry, that you could hear this voice.

And thanks to writing poetry for a year now I notice I’m speaking up more and more in my life. But it’s really hard and very exhausting as well.

I was tested this week, not only with speaking up but with how much I love poetry.

I had a dream Saturday night, where there was a shit ton of cracking egg shells and some broken ones as well.

Decided to look it up because I was really worried what it could mean I’m going through mentally

Dream dictionary: To see cracked or broken eggs in your dream represent feelings of vulnerability or a fragile state in your life. Consider the phrase, walking on eggshells. Alternatively, you may be breaking out of your shell and being comfortable with who you are.

I thought that was pretty cool. I think it’s rather interesting how much dreams line up with your reality.

So here we go…more breaking out of my shell and a fragile state in my life.

Here’s to some big changes.

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Filed under Beautiful, Dreams, Hope, Struggles, universe

When God closes a door, he opens a sex dungeon.

Of course after reading my previous post before this one its clear that my Saturday night all the way into half of Sunday was pretty much an ass hat of a shitty time. I mean I haven’t had sex since last month, which was also sex I don’t remember and I threw up and ended up in the wrong bed naked. With an old hook-up that’s fine, but I’m ready for some sober fun sex now.

Today the universe must have heard my prayer because oh fuck! I’m going to be having some crazy ass sex when I get back home to Cali. So if any of you have read my page called, “The Past” you will remember a guy named “the best sex I’ve ever had.” Well, I’m going to be having some more of that awesome sex when I get back into California in two weeks!! Oh holy fucking shit! It’s a dream come true. I have been dreaming of some nasty, hot ass sex and like a fairy tale my dreams have come true.

Now I understand what Cinderella and the Little Mermaid were feeling at the time. Damn.

And it’s funny because I guess he’s been thinking about me for a while now. Since October. Gosh I’m so oblivious. But I looked back and some of our conversations and I’m like oh wow he’s been emailing me to see how I’m doing, etc. I’m a mess that I didn’t notice.

And it’s funny because this week I’ve been complaining that I want sex and I want to have a good time. Also it’s funny because twice this week I have brought “the best sex I’ve ever had guy” up to two of my friends.

But I cannot wait for some sex, motorcycles, food and the beach.

Damn, I’m wet just thinking about it.

Thank you God/Universe/naked good vibes/whatever made this workout

Unknown

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Filed under good energy, Home, sex, universe

Disappointed

I spent the majority of my summer speaking to a few guys.

One that lead to me realizing he just wanted to be my fuck buddy

Another that I still speak to, he’s a nice guy. I liked him last year, but after everything he put me through, now he didn’t do anything terrible just couldn’t make his mind up over me, a past relantionship and the fact that I slept with one of his friends. I’m not about to wait around, be given what little he’s willing to give or work around just his needs. I have needs too.

And the third, well the third one is definitely a disappointment. From speaking to him sense May, someone who was obviously pursuing me. From late night skyping to back and forth conversation. A nice guy, who didn’t talk about wanting to see me naked, just wanted to get to know me. Too good to be true I suppose. I thought this was going to end up finally being a break for me, someone to get to know more and more. Plsu he was moving closer to the town I live in. After three meetings and the fact that he has stopped talking to me I realize this has become nothing but a disappointment. A bummer that I thought this guy was going to be different.

Then again I’ve done with every guy thats walked my way.

That this guy is going to prove me wrong, that for once someone sees me more then sex, more then a body laid out on bed sheets. That this guy is going to change everything.

Now I’m just very down and very disappointed. I know this is especially true because my dream have been extremely voilent. Which is very frustrating because I’ve been up almost every night this week till 4am, then wake up at 9am, working on my poetry, go to class, eat and go off to a few activities for the day.

I hope this feeling goes away soon. I miss sleeping and I have a lot of poems to memorize.

But damn, I’m craving for someone. Don’t have any one in mind but man oh man I am longing for a man. *sigh* Cheesecake is good too

And masturbating.

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Filed under Dating, Dreams, single girl problems, thoughts, universe

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m just a horny redhead

Its been a stressful week to say the least, but after a margarita, an excellent bottle of wine and without sounding too much like an alcoholic, “I’m feeling much better.”

Come to think of it, I did just get my period and without sounding too much as though I’m stereotyping myself but I’m pretty sure I cried this week exactly because of that little red bastard. Especially when I’ve ended up crying at the end of each movie I’ve watched this week. FYI Sally’s body: Jaws should not make you cry.

Last night I fell asleep to a guided sleep and positive thoughts meditation. Which lead to vivid dreams and of course I only remember a few details that I can write out on paper and actually look up on Dream Dictionary. I remember walking into a large, beautiful hotel. I remember just being on the jungle cruise and now I’m in this beautiful room with five other women, that I don’t know and there are these toys in the main room. They almost seem to be Disney themed toys in some ways, so I remember thinking I must be at a Disneyland hotel. These are the toy animals I remember seeing and also thanks to Dream Dictionary I’ve heard their explanation of what it all means.

    1. Giraffe: To see a giraffe in your dream suggests that you need to consider the overall picture. Take a broader view on your life and where it is headed. The dream may serve to indicate how you are “sticking your neck out” for someone.
    2. Hippopotamus: To see a hippopotamus in your dream symbolizes your aggressive nature and your hidden strengths. You have more influence and power than you realize. Alternatively, it indicates that you are being territorial. Perhaps someone is overstepping their boundaries.
    3. Lion: To see a lion in your dream symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties. As king of the jungle, the lion also represents dignity, royalty, leadership, pride and domination. You have much influence over others. You also need to exercise some restraint in your own personal and social life. Alternatively, a lion represents your need for control over others. You have to be in charge.

Other aspects of the dream I remember wearing this gorgeous long light silver dress, so I looked up the color silver because it was a big aspect to me in this dream.

    1. Silver represents justice and purity. It is symbolic of some protective energy.

What these colors, animals and dreams mean to me…I don’t know, but I do think these images, colors, animals do represent aspects of emotions I’m going through.

It’s important to note I’ve had another long conversation with an old friend. Trying to understand the root of the problem with not only work but with relationships.

I have a fear of being betrayed, from the people closest to me. I constantly live in fear of people using me, and getting up and leaving. After this month I have not been convinced otherwise

Hoping my dreams will clear everything up.

In my dreams

 

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Filed under Dreams, Help, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, universe

Love, positivity and Tornado’s

Today I experienced my third tornado dream. Haven’t figured out why I have been developing these dreams lately but I’m beginning to think it has something to do with my back and forth state on dating.

Dreaming about Tornado

In previous posts I’ve mentioned this numerous times and i’ve mentioned that I’ve mentioned this multiple times as well: One moment I just want sex, just rough, all night, all day kinky sex. These moments of craving sex like it’s a big old piece of cheesecake happen almost every week. Moments were I become the least rational as a woman. Of course these irrational moments have caused me the worst of heartache. Exactly why I’ve concocted the whole idea of being “Closed for Season.” Clearly after last month, the whole being closed didn’t really work out too well, but here I am. FInally closed for the season and hating must days.

Then I have a day like today: I wake up and I’m lonely, craving to have someone text me “good morning,” to miss me, to hold me tight. It’s always great to have someone that wants to hear about your day, wants to make sure you had a good day and lastly someone who is thinking about you throughout the day. That’s the one main thing I miss about dating, about relationships. Knowing someone is thinking about me. I miss this so much, which just gets me pissed, upset, and I take a nap, where I end up dreaming about tornados again.

Tomorrow maybe I’ll just miss sex, then wait for someone to just treat me like a piece of meat and want to fuck me.

Of course my friend is right though, I just need to stay positive with dating. Again I guess I haven’t been so positive with dating because I’ve been so focused on my poetry and throwing all my good energy onto my art form, instead of men. Which is how it should be until someone knows how to treat me right. Treat me as the beautiful, caring, free spirited woman I am.

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars”

I fell in love the way I fall asleep: hugging a cool pillow, listening to the rain tapping on my window and dreaming about a tornado carrying me off to Oz…where you’ll be waiting for me.

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Filed under Confessions, Dating, Dreams, Love, single girl problems

Heres to hoping my dreams come true

I am currently in the throes of working on numerous papers and studying for an exam that will be on Friday but I thought I would take some time out of my night to write a little bit on my blog. Especially with the thoughts flowing through my head at the moment.

I’ve officially been saying I’m “Closed for Season.” Meaning I’ve decided to not have anymore causal hook-ups. I’m closed for the summer. Going to take a break from sex and take away all the energy I use up on boys. Of course this is all easier said then done. Especially when there are definitely guys I have my eye on and would kill to be with. Then again I must remind myself do I want another hook up situation like the ass hole guy. Do I want my heart-broken again, do I want to feel the warmth of someone and watch that just simply disappear? I don’t know if I can handle that. Plus along with these issues, I also have the painful issue of understanding that I think a few people just want me for a fuck. Walls can be thin when people walk around in this world.

Which leads me to another thought as I sit on her my bed. I dream of moments. No joke I spelt in an extra hour today because I was dreaming of a magical date, a magical laying naked in bed, of course had no one in mind, so a fictional lover, but I have this day dreams a lot. Tonight my dream is someone will open my door run up to me and kiss me passionately and I will wake up to them laying besides me in the morning. Gosh, I really want someone to just step up to the plate and kiss me so hard and passionately.

I don’t believe that will happen anytime soon. A girl can dream right?

Going to bed tonight, hoping to have another romantic dream. These cute little dreams are what keep me going most nights and probably why I have been so calm and relax.

But damn do I crave having a man lay next to me in my bed with the fans breeze hitting our bodies. Him kissing my neck all the way down to my back dimples and me smiling into his eyes.

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Filed under Confessions, Dating, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, thoughts

Spring Break Rolls On

Rolling Stones and my hair

The top five songs I’ve been listening to this week as I write:

  1. California by Chris Pureka
  2. Sloppy Seconds by Watsky
  3. Ay Chico (Lengua Afuera) by Pitbull
  4. Blackbird by Paul McCartney
  5. Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore

Weird addictions of the week:

  1. Needing to use my Coca-Cola chap stick everywhere I go, my lips have been so dry.

Spring break is almost over and it’s been interesting to say the least. Spent time with my wonderful best friends, finally got some sleep and I’ve had some of the most vivid dreams ever. I’m not going to go on and on about them or the really intense one I had on Sunday because I hear that people get annoyed at those of us who talk about are dreams, so I’ll simply say these dreams have connected myself spiritually to my mind, my body, and the energy I love to fill up on. These dreams were much needed.

The Guy I’m short of seeing is out of town this week, he’s in Miami, FL working with Habitat for Humanity . So we haven’t had sex since he left on Saturday, which means my friend Tina made brownies last night and stated “Your sex deprived, you need desserts and cats!” Thanks Tina. Actually I’m quite find without the sex, ok kind of but I’ve gone four months before without sex so I’m quite capable of a week thank you very much. I’m more worried that once he’s back everything is going to change and he will want to move on from me. We spoke about where this is going and he said, “I don’t know yet.” Which to me is a serious red flag of someone who could bail on me but that’s a risk I’m going to take because I do enjoy his company and he is fun and very sweet to me; something I haven’t expected in my past relationships.

I’m having headaches and back pain this week. Nothing that has ruined my week but pain thats always there and a reminder of reality. I don’t know why I’m having headaches. Ok I’ve been very tense this week due to work situations. Let me state here to anyone reading this blog and a reminder to myself in the moments of doubt. I love my job, my job is part of my identity, when I’m working at my job you can see the best qualities about me and my greatest strength. But right now I’ve lost a part of care for my job. People can make you feel that way. I don’t care as much anymore and I’m tried of how I’ve been treated these past few months from co-workers and what hurts I’m starting to realize this co-worker doesn’t care about me as a person, or a worker for that matter. Hasn’t tried to get in contact with me. I was kind of waiting for my co-worker to. But what can you do, because people make decisions and this was my co-workers decision. Now I have to start re-thinking what I want for me. Something I honestly don’t do enough. To be honest the main reason I don’t is because I know what I want is going to hurt my heart a bit because I’m going to give up certain aspects of my job and umm now thinking about it on another note as I sit here and think I may have to give up some other aspects of my life as well. This is the part of life that gets hard but I like to think of what my mentor always says,

“We do what we have to do to do what we want to do”

Onto another topic I think I’m going to have a talk with Thrilla my wonderful the “cheating ex #2” For readers of my blog I don’t think I’ve ever written about this but I do still speak to Thrilla on the occasion. We actually have to lunch a few times. This doesn’t bother me at all, I don’t really feel anything around him, because I’ve moved on from him. (Before we even broke up) But it’s hard to let go of someone that was as been in your life for four years and you basically grew up with, in college, work and friendship. Plus I still see a bit of the “old him” the person he use to be. I understand that person is no longer really their but I still see the moments of the “old him.” But he has been asking me to help him pick out a motorcycle because he trusts me with the knowledge I have for them but that means helping him by driving him to the bike, teaching him how to ride it and bring it back into town. Too much for me; I’m not at the point in this “friendship” to be helping him out with that. So it looks like I’m going to have to tell him. I still hurt sometimes and what happened in August is still something I struggle with at moments

Spring break is just about over. Soon I will see the guy “falling into his arms” and see if that is moving onto more moments of bliss or time to move on. Soon I will speak to my boss about what has been going on with me. Soon I will be back in my poetry workshop classes. Thank goodness for my classes, I miss them and I need them to breath again.

But regardless of some stresses I’m doing very well and I may have outward personal stress about work, relationships and past ones. My inside, my spirit is feeling rested and wonderful. Thank goodness for that.

Thank you universe for centering my spirit.

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Wednesday (A different feeling, a different day)

Happy 165th Birthday Bram Stoker! You were one badass mother fucker! Not many authors like you still around today. You are missed. 

Song of the day: I do by Colbie Caillat

Quotation of the day: At a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by… you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are… especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself… But I am this person. And in that statement, that correction, there will be a kind of love.-Phoebe in Wonderland

Movie of the day: Clue the Movie

After a long day of not sleepy, not eating till late and running around non stop I can now say I feel more like my old self. Ha, I know right? But I think I needed to stay up all day to cleanse myself. I’ve been feeling a bit down these past few weeks and I can now say that today was a better day. I’m finally back in the mood to write again and read all my wonderful books.

Also I feel more spiritual today. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt conncet with everything around me. I can finally breathe again.

I just love how music can move you so easily. It just flows with my heart and soul so easily. I’m listening to the soundtrack from “Finding Neverland” and my heart just seems to float on air. I love listening to music while I write. I remember one day in high school I was having a really bad day and I went into my choir class and sang this beautiful song, I intensely felt so much better. I felt this warmth surround me. Isn’t that amazing? To feel music flowing through your body and how it lifts up your soul so easily, it’s the best feeling in the world, next to love.

I don’t remember what love feels like. Ok I know I’m loved. My family loves me, my friends love me, I can feel the good loving energy of the universe surrounding me but I don’t remember what the love from a man feels like. I have forgotten. I can feel some past remnants from a long time ago but thats it. As a child I was fortunate enough to have loving, caring parents. The love I receive from my family is the reason I love so fiercely today as an adult. I love so openly and I do understand thats why I get hurt so deeply. It’s a weird feeling to example, the way I love. It feels like this song:Neverland. I miss love from a man. I haven’t felt that way in so long. I know I don’t need it but its something I’m well aware of and I do miss. Just loving that one person in your life that you were fortunae enough to meet. Then to love them so passiantly, loving so deeply, you almost forget where you are. I miss forgetting where my feet touch the ground.

I miss my job back home. (I work with high school kids) I really miss the kids I work with. I love them all to pieces. Its such a gift I was given, to work with these students, they are all so talented, loving, and see the best in each other. They all love so deeply and passinatly Many of them have been though so much pain in life, so many struggles, from family death, money problems, self image struggle. Yet there they are, changing the world in their own little way. They smile so widly and with conviction. I look up to my students so much. I cannot express enough how much these student have gotten me through in life and my struggles and pains without even knowing it. I could spend the day crying, but then when I show up to coach and they make me forget all about my pain, my sadness and they make me smile and laugh. I have always put aside my pain, my emotions when working with them, because they need someone to turn to.

I honeslty have so many astonishing teachers growing up. Now not all where great, but I did have the best teachers anyone could ever ask for. Thank you to those few teachers that have pushed me, understood my struggles and have made me a better person. And a speaical thank you to not only the best teacher any student could ever ask for but who is now my boss. Thank you for everything you have done for me. I have found my career, I have found where I belong. Thank you.

I had a dream two days ago. I was standing in front of this huge waterfall. I could hear the movement of the water and I could hear this song playing off somewhere in the distance. I then stepped into the waterfall and took a deep breathe. All the water flowed into my lungs and I began to cry. I then could see water shotting out from my finger tips, but the water coming out from my fingers was no longer blue but silver. And then this light flowed out through my finger tips, eyes and mouth. Then I woke up.

I’m head over heels, madly in love with books. I love just escaping into another world, reading about someone elses pain. I think thats the greatest gift books can give us. A way to see someone elses pain, to understand what someone else is going through. That’s such a gift in my opinion. Books are near and dear to my heart because as a kid I really struggled with reading, due to my Learning Disbitliy “APD” I remember in 1st grade I would always read only read this one seris of books called, “Cat and Dog.” Basically the whole book would read like this, “Cat and dog went up the hill, Cat and Dog love to dance.” Those were the only books I felt comfortable to read in 1st grade. Then around 7th grade I picked up a copy of Bram Storkers Dracula and just fell in love with reading. And then by senior year of high school I had some how tested in my reading compahesion level as a College Grad. student. Which of course for someone like me, someone who cannot hear the dfference between “your and you’re,” thats was a big deal.

Reading has given me so much, I couldn’t ask for anything more perfect then my books.

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