Category Archives: This would happen to me (funny)

Today I masturbated to a Berry White song, candles and my pretty pink vibrator

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Today (I mean Saturday March 8th) was amazing. Now of course I’m writing this at 3am which is due to the fact that I just watch half of the documentary, My Amityville Horror and after the creepiest fucking picture of a ghost boy we shut off the film and freaked out for 10 minutes and then put on The Office to calm ourselves down. Real ghosts or not and no matter what you believe it was creep as fuck.

But this March 8th was an amazing little day. I got to spend all day at my favorite little coffee shop working on my poetry. Hung out with friends, went to two little house parties, had a nice beer, lots of food all day. I’ve been pushing myself to eat better and eat more throughout my day and my body has been feeling wonderful.

Also I found out today one of my poems found a home! It’s going to be getting published in a University Journal! Yay! It felt wonderful to read the email. They also invited me to read at their university so I’m pretty sure I’m going to attend that. Basically I’m feeling great, because this is another stepping stone for my work. I can’t wait to see where I’ll go from here!

As for the title of this blog, yes I masturbated. Ha!

Honestly I hadn’t recently masturbated the last week or so, but after I had dinner I just got the feeling and ok I happen to have a candle already lit and ok I may have put on some Barry White, because I have a poem where I joke about masturbating as a Berry White song plays so I thought I should actually live up to umm my writing….yeah.

Two things I learned today: I need to get laid and I want a new fancy vibrator

and of course I would talk about masturbation and my poetry getting published in the same goddamn post. Ha!

And this is my life.

FML bahahaha

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Filed under Being a woman, FML, FOOD, funny, poetry, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny)

Gosh, I can be such a mess

Today was beyond hilarious and showed everyone how much I’m a mess of red hair running around.

First I woke up early today to go to the gym and I thought to myself at 8am, I’m going to sleep in a bit longer but I though hey I’ll go on Facebook for a few minutes and then sleep a bit longer. But I forgot last night I decided to be a grown up (kind of) and log out of not only all my emails but my social media sites as well. At 8am trying to remember one of my millions of passwords was a struggle.

Problem 1: Forgot Facebook Password

Problem 2: I Forgot my yahoo password which is the recovery account

Problem 3: Can’t access the recovery email for yahoo but to be honest I don’t even remember that old email.

Problem 4: So next step was to use a new email-used my college email-didn’t send to my email right away and Facebook tells me I should wait 30 minutes so I figure ok i’ll nap for an hour and see when I wake up

Problem 5: Still nothing, so I try another email…still nothing

Problem 6: Try my phone number, but I don’t have a smart phone. Oh don’t worry I tried to send the link to my email, but when i did that it told me I have to use the link through my phone.

So I can’t get on Facebook and I think to myself ok that’s not all that bad.

Problem 7: OMG MY SPOTIFY! I need that for when I’m working on poetry.

So I made myself a new spotify account.

*THIS IS MY LIFE**

Also I went to my poetry workshop today and I’m sitting in there with one of my peers and we are chatting and having a good time being in class earlier and I look down at my shirt and I realize: “Damn, my shirt is inside out.”

Shit.

This was my day all day!

 

 

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Filed under about me, FML, funny, This would happen to me (funny)

It hurts to move my jaw….how will I give blow jobs now? AHHHH!

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Tonight while I was trying to enjoy my soup and pizza Valerie made I noticed my jaw started to really hurt when I tried to open my mouth really wide. After awhile I started to notice my side of my jaw was really hurting. This really sucks. I’ve had years of jaw pain. It’s never as bad as this feels in the moment. Now I will admit after years of blow jobs I’ve noticed more and more the pain I experience from giving them can be very bad, especially when a blow job takes centuries.

Which is also unfortunate because I enjoy giving blow jobs and I’m well aware that I’m good a giving blow jobs.

Also I love food. I love to chew food.

This jaw pain is killing me…

Lets hope I don’t have to go see a doctor. That’s all I need more mouth surgery. Plus what would I say? “Hey doc. can you patch me up so I can get back to what I do best?” Or “yeah I know doctor…I’ve given too many blow jobs. I’ll stop to save the jaw. Can I get a doctor’s note?”

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Filed under about me, Dating, FOOD, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, universe, WTF?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar

Saturday was one of the most refreshing nights I’ve had in a while. Especially since this night almost didn’t even happen.

I was rather stressed on Saturday and after a weeks worth of life choices ranging from naked in the wrong bed, hang over Wednesday and having to let go of a guy I thought could have been something more than just friends.

From crying in the shower, to still being drunk at 8am on Wednesday it was definitely hell last week. Saturday night going out didn’t seem like the best of ideas, especially with all the poetry I have to memorize and papers I feel behind in.

My friend Alicia invited me to go out to this bar, let call it “Navy Blue.” At first I said, “no, I’m working on a bunch of stuff.” Then some divine feeling, or maybe I was just thirsty ripped to me and I text her back, ‘you know what, yeah come pick me up.” After drinking with Alicia and three other couples, Valerie finally arrived. “THANK GOD!” Too many couples. You know those couples that all just want to hold each other and buy each other drinks and talk about couple things, so when you throw in a “guess who I spelt with this week!?” Then they just stare at you.

Now I told Alicia I was only going out to Navy Blue for drinks but the rest of the group was planning on going out to this “Irish bar.” Again this “spirit” deep down inside me was like, “ahh, Fuck it…LETS go!”

For the majority of the night sitting at this large table you could see the three couples and then to the right, “the single bitches.” Proudly objecting the men who decided to come into the bar in power ranger costumes, “dat ass!” Fast forward a few hours, Alicia catches her eyes on a very good-looking guy. Valerie, Alicia and I are a very bad combination drinking and horny as shit. We walk by them to get drinks and I’m not going to go into detail about the secret skills it takes to get a guy attention.

Oh wait….we’re good looking…..so it took nothing….I just had to flip my red hair and smile.

Two free drinks later we are joking with this creepy old man at the bar who happens to have two belly buttons! His name is Horseshoe. I shit you not and he told my friend Alicia that, “her cleavage looks like a midget’s butt crack.”

Eventually these three good-looking guys, who are very tall (that’s important during these economic times) invited us back to their house. We went, because why the fuck not. Of course Valerie made me promise we must all go home together.

These three guys names shall be: “He likes to party,” “Batman” and “In my pants.”

So after a game of Cards Against Humanity and King’s cup.

During King’s cup Alicia decides its best to make the rule that at the end of every sentence you have to end, “In my pants.” Of course I’m very drunkenly entertained by this, so is this good-looking guy who makes a point to move next to me. Eventually people step out of the room long enough that we make out and I end up on top of him making out. “Hot,HOT,HOT” ALL THAT IS GREEN ON EARTH I SHOULDN”T HAVE STOPPED HAVING SEX!”

Finally its time to go, it’s 3am and I have to be somewhere by 7am. We all exchange numbers and head home. Of course In my pants guys and I text till 4am and then I passed out. Next day we text a lot, he makes it very clear he wants to see me again. I definitely do, even if this just ends up being a hook-up.

Then like every great moment I’ve been having these past few weeks, reality comes crashing in. Now I cannot confirm and deny this, but for what I’ve gathered. In my pants guy may not only have a girlfriends but they are engaged! Now from the information I have I could be %100 off, but I don’t know if I’m wrong or right. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Valerie asked me what I’m going to do and I told her I’m going to do what I never got. I’m going to back away, I didn’t know and now I do, so I’m not going to add more damage to a relationship that’s obviously not working out anymore. That’s their mess, not mine and I don’t want to dive deeper into the pain that will eventually surface.

And of course I never want to be the other women.

I must confess though, it’s hard to not want to text him and just hook up with him. I will always have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That, “someone did this to me so why not?”

I also wonder if this is the universe testing me, like what would I do if the roles were resivse. Wondering if I would keep to my word and feelings towards cheating. I believe this was a lesson and test the universe was putting me through. Or maybe I’m saying this to make myself feel better about when i was cheated on twice, by two different guys.

of course I never would cheat or be involved in cheating. I went through far too much and I still deal with that betrayal. For the rest of my life my ex-boyfriend cheating on me will forever be a deep scar that I will carry around and I don’t want to know I ever caused others pain. So I will back away, especially until I find out the truth.

I’m not going to lie though. I’m pretty bummed. I thought I was finally getting somewhere in dating. So now I just want to give up on dating and become pie.

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Life would be easier to just be pie.

I’m going to admit it here if it’s not already crystal clear. I want a relationship. More than the drunk sex, the confused back and forth guys and the ones in relationships or the ones who can’t let go. I want a best friend again. It’s been so long since I’ve had someone I was in a inmate relationship with someone who was my best friend.

I’m slowly giving up on finding someone. I’m beginning to come to the terms more and more each day that maybe I was never really meant to meet someone, be with someone and fall in love in the ways I have day dreamed about for years.

Because as of right now, no man “boy” can handle being with a woman like me.

So I’ll just eat some pie.

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Filed under Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Friends, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

Fell Off the Wagon

 

 

Photo on 2012-11-27 at 12.20

 

That’s right I had sex on Tuesday night. Do I remember having sex? Not really, besides the memory of grabbing the wall and screaming a bit I don’t remember. Did I drink a bit too much? Yes I did, after two 32 oz. ciders, two Vegas Bombs and two very dark beers within two hours, I think I can safely say I drank too much. 

Also waking up in my hook ups female roommates bed naked and no memory of that, well that helps too. 

What did I learn from this? I HAVE NO SHAME AND I’M VERY COMFORTABLE WITH MY BODY! TOO MUCH! This moment deserves a true *Laugh out loud*

OH SHIT! 

Bruiser changed his mind and decided may be using me to get over another girl. So he thinks its best that nothing comes of us. I’m rather upset about this and I would be lying if Tuesday drunk sexscapes didn’t have anything to do with the texts I got from him that night. You think by 24 years old I would have stopped pulling the I’m sad about a boy time to hook-up situation. 

I’m very disappointed in how this is turning out. I like that dumb ass and it kills me to just step back. But I’ve learned no one wants you fighting for them. Because fighting for someone is just a fancy word for stalking. 

But did I not go to a party, extremely dressed up, curled hair wearing my lace turquoise dress and brown boots? Yes, I did. Did I do it to see him for a brief moment? Yes. And It wasn’t long enough. 

And ending this post with no real ending, because how can I end a post about a feeling that I’m not ready to be done with? 

 

 

 

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Filed under Being a woman, Causal, Confessions, FML, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny)

I better get some damn good ass Karma after turning down sex twice

Twice tonight two men have hit me up for a good old-time.

Men I have had hook ups with before.

And twice have I said, “No I can’t. I have a paper to work on.”

I haven’t had sex since May! MAY MAAAAAAAAYYY And I said no.

I’m either stupid, accidentally drunk and I’m not thinking, I’m masturbating too much or I have been eating too much cake or I’m just I don’t know…AHHH

I think someone should give me a medal. AND GOD! YEAH! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! YOU OWE ME!

Dear Bruiser,

Get yourself together because I want to have sex with you and you’re killing me! Killing me!

I had to post this up, it’s not every night at 3am not just one guy but two and a kind of third hit you up.

AHHH SEX!

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Filed under Confessions, FML, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, school, sex, single girl problems, Struggles, This would happen to me (funny), WTF?

Lions, Tigers, Bears and my birth control

Remember how in my more recent posts I spoke about how I just found out they [the stupid birth control making people] “the manufacturer’s” stopped manufacturer  my brand of birth control “Loestrin 24” aka the birth control I always accidentally call “Lustrine” [God Damn my life]

So the wonderful birth control making people decided to make “Minestrin.” It’s the same damn thing, but you can chew this one, which I say, “WHAT THE FUCK?!” “NO.” I do not want to chew my pill. First have you ever seen a pill before? They are so small and second I’ve been taking them since I was 17 years old, I think I got this shit on lock down. Expect for that time one pill fell down the sink but that’s why I no longer take them near sink like drains now but still I think I’m good to go!

I even told my roommate Valerie, “Watch before we know it they will have birth control in gummy form.” And she replies, “OMG I WOULD I LOVE TO TAKE THOSE!”

So my doctor was out-of-town until Thursday, then they call and tell me I have to find out what my health insurance covers and I’m like, “umm so you don’t even care what I take?!” So I tell them I’ve already check so they are like, “Oh ok we will send it off.”  Then I get a text on Thursday. Oh boy! My birth control is at the pharmacy in California! So I had to call two pharmacist and thank goodness the lady working there is a normal human and understands where I’m coming from.

All thursday though I have been uncontrollably crying at everything! You see if I’m even off by a few hours of taking my pills my body freaks out and well I cry at shit like this:

Shit I was crying about for hours: Valerie comes home and finds me crying on our porch and I go in how they call this bear, lion and tiger trio the “BLT” I can’t stop crying and she’s like, “Oh my God Sally!”

#BLT

And now its friday, I finally got a call to come pick up my pills at CVS! Hallelujah! Then as I’m walking out of CVS I walk past the all the cards and I see these Boofle cards and I have to rush out of the store before I start to cry again! OH MY GOD WHATS WRONG WITH ME! I NEED MY PILLS!

As I’m sitting at the local coffee shop I visit almost everyday I’m about to take my pills, because I am lady and a lady takes her birth control next to a bunch of strangers drinking coffee and reading The Da Vinci Code because clearly they made a life choice this morning too.

THEN I REALIZE!!! I HAVEN’T TAKEN MY PILLS IN SIX DAYS! I call the pharmacist again and they tell me to start this Sunday, so I have to go through this crying hell for another few days! And of course use other forms of protection for a while and I should have just told her over the phone, “Oh ok.”  But what I did say was, “Oh I haven’t had sex since May and that’s not changing anytime soon, so its all good.”

Looks like I’m going to be crying a lot this week.

This is worst then the time I cried every time I saw this commercial: Budweiser Clydesdale Commercial, Super Bowl 2013  

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Filed under Being a woman, funny, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, Struggles, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, universe, WTF?