Tag Archives: penis

It hurts to move my jaw….how will I give blow jobs now? AHHHH!


Tonight while I was trying to enjoy my soup and pizza Valerie made I noticed my jaw started to really hurt when I tried to open my mouth really wide. After awhile I started to notice my side of my jaw was really hurting. This really sucks. I’ve had years of jaw pain. It’s never as bad as this feels in the moment. Now I will admit after years of blow jobs I’ve noticed more and more the pain I experience from giving them can be very bad, especially when a blow job takes centuries.

Which is also unfortunate because I enjoy giving blow jobs and I’m well aware that I’m good a giving blow jobs.

Also I love food. I love to chew food.

This jaw pain is killing me…

Lets hope I don’t have to go see a doctor. That’s all I need more mouth surgery. Plus what would I say? “Hey doc. can you patch me up so I can get back to what I do best?” Or “yeah I know doctor…I’ve given too many blow jobs. I’ll stop to save the jaw. Can I get a doctor’s note?”


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Filed under about me, Dating, FOOD, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, universe, WTF?

Dear New Years Kiss….I hope you’re the best piece of cheesecake I’ve ever eaten


It’s that time again….the New Year is upon us, or New Years Eve is to be exact.

Here I am. In my underwear, eating pizza, a stick of cheese and watching Grey’s Anatomy. What more kind a girl want after Monday night drinks. Shout out to finally hanging out with a good friend! Don’t worry you won’t be named the professor on my blog. (insert laugh out loud moment)

Now a lot had happened this year….I’ve been naked more times than I care to count but hey!! LETS FUCKING COUNT!

  1. Peeta: He looked like the guy from the Hunger Games and was too scared to tell me he wanted things to end. hahaha MESS! He was ok making out with, decent at other stuff.
  2. The Awkward Upside Down Turtle: Haven’t written about him yet, but this was a brief and very short encounter. That ended solely because it was too awkward and nothing was clicking. Sexually or emotionally. Which are both huge components for me.
  3. That one time I made out and other stuff with a friend: Yeah…..not the best idea. Nice guy, cool but he’s stuck in life and also a sloppy kisser.
  4. Dumb-ass runner: We saw each other for a good few months, this is the asshole guy. He’s a nice guy and everything, just stupid as shit. Kissing was pretty good. Just took a bit of time and that’s the same with sex. But damn…..we had sex twice a day for three months!! I shit you not…we may miss one day out of those three months. Lots of me upside down and my red handcuffs.
  5. Oh yeah….that huge asshole who was the most sexist, full of himself dude: Now I will admit he was good-looking, but shit on a pine corn, NO ONE IS THAT GOOD LOOKING. He was a dick and then some! Glad I ended that. Man was he pissed….that asshole. Learn how to treat a women and then never speak to me again.
  6. Bahaha remember that time my old ex from High school tried to hook up with me….hahaha and then he tried to act sexy by telling me he did nose candy.
  7. Brusier: I did like you and drunk sex on Easter was great and a really funny story. Yet I’m glad it never worked out though. You’re a good guy, but not for me.
  8. Virgin Corn Field: Gosh I almost forgot about you! Ha! You seemed like the whole package, then I actually hung out with you.
  9. The one that wanted to be a fuck buddy: Ugh….such an ass and creepy.
  10. The fuck buddy: Yeah….this fuck buddy is ending now. I’m done with that train. So move out of my station please! I needs me a new train to pull in.
  11. Remember that time I fooled around with the Spaniard: hahaha omg yeah!
  12. The one’s name that rhymes with Dick: Yeah…thanks for letting me know you’re engaged.

Wow….that was a lot of Penis.

Song of the year: Leave me Here by Hem

Movie of the year: (the one’s I watched waaay too much): A Tie between watching Return of the King too much and Dark Knight Rises. New movie I saw that I enjoyed: Some Like it Hot

Quotation of the Year:

 “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”Elizabeth Gilbert

Book of the Year: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Poetry Book of the Year: Words for Empty and Words for Full by Bob Hicok 

Mess of the Year Moment: When I woke up in the wrong bed after a hook-up. Always fun to wake up in their roommates bed….I suppose.

Numbers of 2013:

  • Only threw up three times after drinking this year and I kind of remember one of the time and it was pretty clean and quick in the bathroom before I passed out.
  • Five times I was told I was caught drunkenly talking to objects
  • Six times I got stuck on a door, the stairs railing, or some other object
  • Probably Twenty time I’m sure I said I wasn’t going to drink much and I ended up drinking a lot!
  • Four one-night-stands in the year 2013
  • I’ve let go of two really great friendships in 2013

In 2013 I lost my kitty Cat Rosie. The last of my childhood pets. I will miss her dearly.

New Years Resolution:

I think having New Years Resolutions are total bullshit and five chicken pies! They always end up being about working out, finding love, or writing in a journal. Half that shit should be an everyday thought.

Resolutions should be like:

  • I’m going to eat the shot out of some cake
  • Watch Breaking Bad naked
  • Sing the entire Highway to Hell album in the shower

The word Resolution is such a firm, eck word.

I prefer to think of every thing I do in my life as something I’ve been planning all a long. I don’t have resolutions, but there’s some shit I would like to make happen:

  • For my heart to beat heavy when someone kisses me
  • To make this Oreo cake son of a bitch
  • I will not drunk download anymore shitty music on iTunes
  • Have sushi with my brother this weekend
  • Get my book published
  • Stop googling the men I’m dating
  • Get published in Rattle
  • Maybe have a dinner date where food doesn’t end up in my hair
  • You know how like guys shave their beards all fun ways and then shave it all off. Well I want to do that! But with the downstairs
  • Check off some of my sex bucket list

2014! Lets do this!

This is going to be the year of poetry shows, manuscripts that make me cry and eat food, wine, beer, books, enjoying my last class with my favorite professor and getting ready to start the rest of my life.

I’m going to be a speed limit this year (Turning 25) But I’ll be speeding around with my red hair, probably naked and eating too much cheese and fries.

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