This last Saturday was my 30th performance reading my poetry. Not only was this my 30th show but March was the month my writing came to life and was the month I performed my work for the first time ever a year ago.
I couldn’t have asked for a better performance on Saturday night. It was wonderful, I felt wonderful, the room was amazing and its finally hit me. All these dreams I’ve been having really finally hit me and tonight sitting in my room I really do feel like a different person and all the things I want to write about, all the things I want to fight for now. Everything is just rushing at me so quickly and I’m so in love with these feelings and this beautiful woman.
I am so excited to this woman that’s been slowly creeping out of my skin. ( I know that sounds rather weird) These past few months have been so painful and I’ve cried so much.
But gosh this woman that’s been making appearances this last few days, I’m so happy and so excited to feel more of this energy and how much my spirit is filling so hungry and so fulfilled.
Can’t wait for what else of myself is ready to make it’s self known.
Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, good energy, Hope, Life, my writing, poetry, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe
I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.
*Breaking out of my shell*
That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.
To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”
I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?
God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.
There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.
Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.
And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.
I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.
Filed under about me, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dreams, good energy, Hope, Life, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, universe
Last week was ROUGH. I had a really hard week. From poetry, friends and men.
But this last week I finally spoke up in my life.
I’ve always been a quite person, the silent observer you learned about in interpersonal class on working groups. I was a shy little kid and thanks to speech and debate, poetry and a few friends most people don’t believe me at all that I’m shy.
Yet I have barely spoken up when it comes to serious conversations in my life. I’ve always felt I could never articulate myself, especially after years of special education I’ve never treated my thoughts or my voice as something of intellectual significance. So I’ve remained rather silent. Until I found poetry, a place to write out all my thoughts out. Because I had time to think my ideas and thoughts over and put them down in a way for people to hear my voice. Which is funny because that’s what everyone really loved about my poetry, that you could hear this voice.
And thanks to writing poetry for a year now I notice I’m speaking up more and more in my life. But it’s really hard and very exhausting as well.
I was tested this week, not only with speaking up but with how much I love poetry.
I had a dream Saturday night, where there was a shit ton of cracking egg shells and some broken ones as well.
Decided to look it up because I was really worried what it could mean I’m going through mentally
Dream dictionary: To see cracked or broken eggs in your dream represent feelings of vulnerability or a fragile state in your life. Consider the phrase, walking on eggshells. Alternatively, you may be breaking out of your shell and being comfortable with who you are.
I thought that was pretty cool. I think it’s rather interesting how much dreams line up with your reality.
So here we go…more breaking out of my shell and a fragile state in my life.
Here’s to some big changes.
It’s been rather snowy few months here in the Midwest. It’s almost like the Midwest knew I was going back to California in the spring and wanted to make sure I had the full Midwest snow experience. (Thanks)
January/February has been a mix of stress, peaceful meditation and moments like the ones I’m experiencing today. Blissful happy and sad memories.
You see I’m working on my second chapbook for my workshop class. I’ve decided to focus on my past relationships. I think it’s about time I’m honest with some of the most intimate moments of my life that involve sex, men and my feelings towards being a woman and growing up feeling like an object of sex. Today I worked on two wonderful new little poems and I’m very excited about both of them.
As of right now I’m very single.
Yes I was talking to and went out on a few dates with this engineer guy but it was a looks better on paper kind of deal. I just have no attention to him. I don’t lay in bed wanting him near me, if anything it’s frustrating that he has tried to meet up with me…a little to needy for my taste.
And I would love to get laid, but let’s be real that’s not going to happen. I’m rather tired of the hook-up.
There is someone I’m crushing on but I’m sure he just views me as a friend. (I hope that’s not true) But it’s more than likely is true…that he doesn’t like me in that way.
I’ve been very into the film Spirited Away lately.
Why? I don’t know. I just have.
I have been feeling very connected to films like Spirited Away, Coraline and Pan’s Labyrinth.
I’m ready to go home soon
Ready to look at MFA programs for my poetry and I’m ready to meet someone whose going to be everything I could never write about.
Filed under Alignment:, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dating, Dreams, Life, Love, Meditation, my writing, poetry, school, Thankful, thoughts, universe, What do you want in a man
There is no easy way or time to find out the loss of a childhood pet. Last night my parents called and my dad told me they had taken Rosie down to the vet and put her to sleep. She wasn’t eating anymore and basically starving herself. She was 21 years old and was a best friend to me.
Two years ago we our dog (Rascal) was also put down. Rosie was the last of my childhood pets still alive. She has been around almost all of my life and I grew up having her around. When my dog Sassy died, this beautiful Kerry Blue Terrier that I sadly witness get hit by a car I will never forget that night. I was very young and sitting in the hall way with my mom. I was worried Sassy wasn’t going to come home and my mom looked at me and said, “Well, you still have your kitty.”
Rosie has always been there for me. Through nights crying about struggles in school to adolescent break ups Rosie was there. I will never forget one night I was crying and she jumped up on the bed and sat next to me and licked me. She and I were really connected. I guess sharing a bedroom together can do that to you.
And this is the thing, I’m really sad and I’m trying really hard to not cry right now as I write this in my favorite coffee shop and I may be really sad but I’m also really happy because I have so many wonderful memories of my kitty cat. We had a blast together and I think I’m so compassionate and such a big animal lover because of my childhood animals so I couldn’t ask for anything more of them.
It’s hard living so far away from home. I miss home so much right now but I don’t if I could have handle being there. I wonder if they put her down on Thursday or Friday last week because I just had the worst energy feeling then and cried for one reason. I wonder if the heart and soul can feel a friend pass away…
Goodbye best friend. I’m not going to say rest in peace, because well first you were a pampered little diva of a cat and got plenty of rest and second I know that were ever you are now you are happy and you are safe.
Love you Rosie.
I will always miss you and you will always be in my heart.
I’m so thankful you were part of my life, especially growing up.
Filed under Beautiful, Cats, Family, Feeling Lost, Friends, Home, Life, My kitty cat, Thankful, thoughts, universe