Tag Archives: my body

Six Months No Sex (Setting records)

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The first time I ever has sex was my junior year of high school. I was 17 and the first friend in my group of friend to check this next step into “growing up.” Something that sounded rather more exciting than actually doing it and I really don’t much have much memory of my first time, or the many times to follow. Besides the room, my ex and a few feeling here and there.

That unsure feeling in the moment. The push into the idea “pun-intended” the shaking and worry of who I will feel like after all this.

I didn’t feel any different.

My body was still thin and my boobs remained small. My freckles didn’t shift towards my feet like they were trying to run away, migrate to a safer body.

Many young women try so hard, through ritual steps to fill those heels and walk like a lady. Like at 10-years-old we weren’t women yet, like feeling our bodies shift, our periods flow and men staring at our growing bodies wasn’t enough to call ourselves women.

We women always feel like we must the tests to become a woman. The period, the bra of different lace, boyfriend, break-ups, cheating, sex (good at it) sexy but holy white, get married, have kids and raise them well. Then we feel like a woman? So far all I’ve learned is how none of these so-called “rights of passage” do nothing to make feel any more like a woman. If anything I have felt more embarrassed, ashamed and trying more and more to be the right kind of woman for the right kind of guy that’s going to be everything for me.

And he never came along. (Ok I’m young) But 25 is right around the corner and this society I’m apart, the one I’ve dressed up for, wore colors on my face and bleed with for years now expects I would have found “him.”

Being that young woman, almost 25, very single and thinking about my next career moves. Makes me feel like an outsider in my culture. I know the culture is shifting but in many respects it’s not. feminist is still a dirty word and people at open mic’s and classrooms want to rinse my mouth out with soap. People still tell me what to wear and not wear. Other’s stare at my breast, make sexist comments to my face and many disrespect my space and my voice.

I haven’t had sex in six months. A record for me. I’ve been having sex since I was 17 and the longest I’ve gone without sex was four months, so being 24 years old and I haven’t had sex in six months is a record-breaking event.

It’s not looking like this record is going to end anytime soon and it’s due to a mix of things. I don’t like any of the men in the area. I don’t want them to touch after hearing the words that flap off their tongues. And I’m really enjoying touching myself lately.

Sex has always been me dictionary definition of who I am. I’m good at sex. I’m sexy, slutty and I know what a man wants. My blow jobs are good and know how to follow the ride.

This was everything I thought I was. So when Thrilla cheated on me and he was second person to cheat on me if really shattered my image of who I was. Because I thought I could keep someone around if I gave them sex, was good at sex and could bend my back in just the right ways.

Sex does not make me more of a woman.

It took me most of my life so far to figure this out.

And I don’t want any other women to feel like this, though I know many do. So I will do everything in my power to end this. It’s time our generation moves on and educates women correctly about sex.

It’s not a definition for who you are as a person or what you can give.

Six months is a long time for me and if you asked me a year ago if I hadn’t sex in six months I would have hated it. But right now in this moment I don’t feel less of a person. If anything I feel more like myself and more of a woman because I have given myself something I always gave to others. My time.

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Filed under Being a woman, Ex-boyfriends, sex, single girl problems, thoughts

Image of me

I feel as though I’m only a body for most men.

I’m just flesh and hard bones to rub up against late at night.

I really feel like thats all men see me as. I’m someone to have causal sex with. I’m a warm body to fill their empty cold nights. I’m someone they can grace their hand across, get what pleasure they need and have no guilt, no responsibility to treat me like a woman should be treated.

I know I’m not all innocent, I know sometimes I wear a big old fat sign that reads, “I love sex!” Men get the idea from this blog, from speaking to me that I’m promiscuous and want to sleep with anything that moves.

This is a mistake.

I don’t want causal sex. I want to be with someone.

But then when I say this out loud, when I write that line out, the proclamation that I want a boyfriend, I want someone to be apart of my life , I  then see all the men run the other way. Its like I can’t win either way.

So I sit here working on my blog, writing my poetry, and this is always in the back of my mind.

I know most men only see me as a warm body.

How do I change this without changing apart of myself?

Because shit, I’m not going to stop be comfortable about my sexuality. I love sex, I love talking about it and making jokes about it and on top of that I’m very comfortable with my body. So thats not going to change anytime soon.

I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like a warm body. Actually I do. The guy I saw right after my major crazy ass break up this August. I didn’t feel like a body with “Peeta.” But everyone after that, I felt like a warm body and I was only good for one thing.

I think I’m getting washed out, I’m blurring to men. I don’t think they see me. I”m so quiet most the time and no one really tries to get and know me. I think I come off as stand offish sometimes. I’m just really shy.

I’ve been thinking about this scene:

The male character Gerry goes on about how the moment he fell in love with Holly and how he will always remember the first time they met.

Every time I’m walking down the street, drinking my tea at the coffee shop, having a beer at a local bar I wonder if this will be the day someone walks in, sees me, and like Gerry will always remember the moment he fell in love with me and knew in that moment of falling in love that he wanted to be with me forever.

This is what I’m waiting for. I guess I’m waiting for it. I don’t know. The more I wait for a moment like that, the more I get this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that it’s not gonna happen anytime soon.

It’s feelings like those that makes me feel like I’m not going to find love again for a long time. I think maybe its I’m such an out their kind of person, and I fall hard for people and I’m very open about my feelings and who I am. Maybe i’m wrong, maybe it has nothing to do with any of that.

Maybe I have no idea why.

I have no idea why I feel so lost in love right now.

I thought I had all that shit figured out a long time ago and then two summers ago, I thought I figured the rest out for sure.

But here I am, not really sure what to do.

Do I give myself to men, give my body up as causal or do I wait for someone to come along who sees me?

I don’t even know if I see me.

Plus this post, along with all my other posts don’t help my case. I know I must come off desperate, sad, lonely, sex crazed and also looking for a boyfriend. It’s all packaged up in one fucking crazy ass little box with a big ugly purple bow around it.

But ugh, I know, I know, if I want things to change, I have to be the change I want to see in the…blah blah blah, I get it. I’ll get up off my lazy ass and do something about it.

I get it life! I get it dating universe. I’ll shave my damn legs, brush my hair, put make-up on and go have a drink. Shit, I get it.

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Filed under Dating, Life, single girl problems, thoughts