One Year

Thank goodness I don’t remember the extact date I found out my boyfriend of almost four years was cheating on me, but I do remember it was between the 14th-20th.

It’s been a year, I got through a year and probably one of the hardest and most beautiful years of my life thus far.

I feel like I’m an alcoholic or a drug addict celebrating my one year of sobriety. I guess they would maybe call it, “celibate.”

Of course I was naked for must of last fall and this spring with various men, so I was very far from being celibate….so far and so naked from being celibate.

This has been a tough year, lots of tears, for not only my ex who cheated on me but for other boys I thought were men, thought they could love me, thought they could fit into my life. And it just took me some time to realize that I was just too farer along in life then they were and they were too scared, too nervous to love someone like me.

I’ve had to learn to really love myself, love myself deep down into my own poetry and realize the moments I feel lonely, are the moments I am closests to my poetry.

I feel as though I am just randomly moving through my thoughts in this post but I don’t feel as though I have a chronically order for my feelings with this past week. Maybe beside feeling like I’m part of alcoholics anonymous I also feel like I lost my arm last year and its the one year anvery of the accident and I barley even notice my arm is even misisng anymore.

All I am left with is wondering if I have ever really been in love with someone. I’m starting to wonder if I ever was and now thats all I’m craving. I’m so hungry for love, for someone to lay down with and just kiss and smile with till the sunrise.

Dang….do I miss having a man wrap his arms around me.

Have I even had a man wrap his arms around me?

 

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m just a horny redhead

Its been a stressful week to say the least, but after a margarita, an excellent bottle of wine and without sounding too much like an alcoholic, “I’m feeling much better.”

Come to think of it, I did just get my period and without sounding too much as though I’m stereotyping myself but I’m pretty sure I cried this week exactly because of that little red bastard. Especially when I’ve ended up crying at the end of each movie I’ve watched this week. FYI Sally’s body: Jaws should not make you cry.

Last night I fell asleep to a guided sleep and positive thoughts meditation. Which lead to vivid dreams and of course I only remember a few details that I can write out on paper and actually look up on Dream Dictionary. I remember walking into a large, beautiful hotel. I remember just being on the jungle cruise and now I’m in this beautiful room with five other women, that I don’t know and there are these toys in the main room. They almost seem to be Disney themed toys in some ways, so I remember thinking I must be at a Disneyland hotel. These are the toy animals I remember seeing and also thanks to Dream Dictionary I’ve heard their explanation of what it all means.

1. Giraffe: To see a giraffe in your dream suggests that you need to consider the overall picture. Take a broader view on your life and where it is headed. The dream may serve to indicate how you are “sticking your neck out” for someone.
2. Hippopotamus: To see a hippopotamus in your dream symbolizes your aggressive nature and your hidden strengths. You have more influence and power than you realize. Alternatively, it indicates that you are being territorial. Perhaps someone is overstepping their boundaries.
3. Lion: To see a lion in your dream symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties. As king of the jungle, the lion also represents dignity, royalty, leadership, pride and domination. You have much influence over others. You also need to exercise some restraint in your own personal and social life. Alternatively, a lion represents your need for control over others. You have to be in charge.

Other aspects of the dream I remember wearing this gorgeous long light silver dress, so I looked up the color silver because it was a big aspect to me in this dream.

1. Silver represents justice and purity. It is symbolic of some protective energy.

What these colors, animals and dreams mean to me…I don’t know, but I do think these images, colors, animals do represent aspects of emotions I’m going through.

It’s important to note I’ve had another long conversation with an old friend. Trying to understand the root of the problem with not only work but with relationships.

I have a fear of being betrayed, from the people closest to me. I constantly live in fear of people using me, and getting up and leaving. After this month I have not been convinced otherwise

Hoping my dreams will clear everything up.

 

Heres to hoping my dreams come true

I am currently in the throes of working on numerous papers and studying for an exam that will be on Friday but I thought I would take some time out of my night to write a little bit on my blog. Especially with the thoughts flowing through my head at the moment.

I’ve officially been saying I’m “Closed for Season.” Meaning I’ve decided to not have anymore causal hook-ups. I’m closed for the summer. Going to take a break from sex and take away all the energy I use up on boys. Of course this is all easier said then done. Especially when there are definitely guys I have my eye on and would kill to be with. Then again I must remind myself do I want another hook up situation like the ass hole guy. Do I want my heart-broken again, do I want to feel the warmth of someone and watch that just simply disappear? I don’t know if I can handle that. Plus along with these issues, I also have the painful issue of understanding that I think a few people just want me for a fuck. Walls can be thin when people walk around in this world.

Which leads me to another thought as I sit on her my bed. I dream of moments. No joke I spelt in an extra hour today because I was dreaming of a magical date, a magical laying naked in bed, of course had no one in mind, so a fictional lover, but I have this day dreams a lot. Tonight my dream is someone will open my door run up to me and kiss me passionately and I will wake up to them laying besides me in the morning. Gosh, I really want someone to just step up to the plate and kiss me so hard and passionately.

I don’t believe that will happen anytime soon. A girl can dream right?

Going to bed tonight, hoping to have another romantic dream. These cute little dreams are what keep me going most nights and probably why I have been so calm and relax.

But damn do I crave having a man lay next to me in my bed with the fans breeze hitting our bodies. Him kissing my neck all the way down to my back dimples and me smiling into his eyes.

10 qualities you’re looking for in a man (bad articles, written by men)

I’m in the works of reading really terrible articles about dating (for my poetry) Decided to actually do one of their stupid ideas because I’m taking a thirty minute break from my writing.

10 qualities you’re looking for in a man:                                                        (that I want to be in a relationship with)

1. Has a sense of humor (can make me laugh)
2. Sincerely cares about how I’m doing
3. Either has similar values as me or is at least accepting of how I view the world, religion, etc.
4. We can communicate easily, can talk about more than sex. Everything just seems to flow so well and I enjoy someone who will have witty come backs or is playful in communication.
5. Has something to compliment me on, something that has yet to be said to me.
6. Will keep an open dialogue with me
7. Cares enough about me that if things are not working out they will break it off  in person.
8. Who wants to go out but is also happy with staying in some nights and just watching a good film or reading books, or writing.
9. Passionate
10. Someone who will laugh with me

Laying out in a dream that looked like the 70’s

Last night laying down on a striped black and green couched my ankle propped up on the cushion [due to falling down the stairs earlier that evening] I sat there watching dancing flicking lights of a dance party. Friends, some sober, some passed out next to me and the dogs and some so drunk they decided to try and give me a lap dance.

This scene can only truly best be decided of a dream like state where I have found myself so how in the late 70’s. Between the music, the items around the house and a couple passed out in a hammock,  I must have been in a dream.

And there I was, in this dream like moment in a soccer tee-shirt, soccer shorts and my rainbow sandals [aka California sandals] with ice on my ankle. Did I mention I also wasn’t wearing a bra or underwear. Somehow though I still get hit on.

This seems to continually happen to me. I somehow find sex. For such a awkward, falling all over the place, saying silly shit stuff, I still manage to find sex. What is it with me? I have also learn that I may not be the most smooth with jokes, walking, eating I have some short of gift in regardless to the art of hook-ups.

Oh boy! Gimmie Gimmie!

Sitting on the couch last night I shared two moments with myself:

1. I was so happy to be single, so happy to know I have all these options. To know that I can go downtown and I can dance my life away and know that guys are checking me out. I am very confident in myself [well most of the time] that I know I have skills, I have looks, and I have a cute personality. Knowing and understanding these adolescent have been huge for me and I know have helped me out as a woman. This is the moments I love being single, I love not being settled down with someone and knowing I have options.

2. The feeling I have stirring deep down inside of myself. The feeling  I’ve since I could read fairy tales, really since i could sit and comprehend a Disney movie. The ideals of true love and living happily. Now don’t freak out too much, I’ m not  overly emotional about this, more this feeling I believe is something many women from my generation especially have deep down somewhere inside of them. This is the moment called, “I miss falling asleep with someone holding.” I miss kissing someone special. I miss having someone a part of my life in the most intimate of ways.

These are the two conflicting feelings I carry with me in each moment of my everyday life. I have both months, days, minutes where these two feelings attack my moments.

Here I am at this party. Full of beautiful, talented, caring and very drunk friends. Feeling as though I’m in a dream. Trying to hold onto that feeling.

Late last night I created affirmations in my bones:

“I do not need someone to confirm I matter.”

“I do not need a man in my life to be happy.”

“I do not need to sleep with a man to keep him around.”

[The last one is something I recently learned the hard way about]

And my last bone hollowing affirmation:

[I love myself]

There.

It seems as though I have grown up a little more.

Leave this life so shattered

Life has definitely happened since the last time I put up a post. Somethings have changed for the good, others for the worse and some are continuing to stress me out to the point my chest is feels like cement.

First of all, my work. I’m tired of the battle, of the fight/games between co-workers. On Sunday I decided to step up and let go of the hurt, the pain of losing a friendship. I sat back and realized that if I want this job someday its time I start acting like it. It was time I stepped it up and showed how much I love my job and how grown up I’ve become. Plus I’m so thankful for my wonderful boss. I don’t think he will ever understand how much of an influence he has been in my life; he is my mentor and my dear friend. It’s safe to say I’m feeling much better about work and I’m actually in the progress of working on a project for my job, which is going to make life a bit stressful for a week but I love stress like that. MORE PLEASE! (Not joking, I really do love that kind of stress!)

I realized today how wonderful my friends are. I’m so thankful and lucky to have them in my life! Damn, I love my best friends. They are what keeps me going and without them life would be a lot more stressful and difficult to get through. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

The guy I’ve been seeing came home Sunday from spring break. I have yet to see him and he seems to be “busy.” I’m going to believe that he is truly “busy.” But it’s hard and I’m not going to lie, I think he’s seeing someone else/lost interest in me. This is a weakness I’m learning about. I have a hard time with the unknown. I just want to know whats going on, because I not only haven’t seen him but he has barely text me back. I don’t know why this is making my chest heavy. I’m trying to make sense of why this is hurting  so much. My friend Tina asked me these questions trying to help me find out last night at the bar.

Tina: Do you think you’re not good enough?

Me: No

Tina: Do you think it’s your fault

Me: No

Tina: Are you worried about being cheated on?

Me: I assume that everyone has the capable of cheating on me and I’ve been cheated on so much now that I don’t think it will affect me in the same way. So no.

 

Laying in bed two nights ago I wrote this,

How do you get over the feeling that someone is going to leave you? I don’t know how.

I think I’m scared of people leaving me after I’ve invested so much of my love, my heart, my caring energy on them. I give a lot in relationships and I do this at the very start in a relationship too. I wear my emotions of my sleeve. I haven’t been able to stop this and I don’t think I want to, because I think that’s a gift of mine; how loving I am. But its hard for me to watch someone go and try to go back to how my life use to be. Its like they have died and I must figure out how to go on without them there to hold me.

Maybe that’s my problem, I’m too dependent on having people in my life and when they leave me I come crashing down. Because right now I’m sitting in the car before the crash, before the crunch of metal and everything is in slow mo. I’m waiting for the crunch of this guy to walk off without me. I like him. Right not I’m doing the usual  female issue. I’m coming up with all these excuses for why he is not calling, not texting, not wanting to see me. But like the author Greg Behrendt says, “He’s just not that into you.” Those are the six little words in the back of my mind right now. Then past relationship, past men who come back into the fore front of my mind and I remember all the men that have left me and all have said, “You are such a sweet girl and I don’t want to hurt someone like you.”

So I’m now here. At the moment where I have text him and he hasn’t text back so now I shall sit and wait to see what will happen. My gut is telling me this is not going to work out, but is this really my gut or me scared to be hurt again?  Or is this me scared and over reacting and everything is just fine and he is really just busy. Maybe I’m simply not ready to feel the pain of losing someone again, because I know he would want to be friends but I know I can’t and this has been the case with everyone I’ve been with. From Pita to the best sex I’ve ever had. I told each of them I couldn’t be friends, not for a while anyway. Now best sex guy and I are good friends and this has led me to believe he has always cared about me, but Pita guy this is not the case and I understand now I was really nothing in his life. So I’m in this moment of “waiting.” But maybe that should be my sign. I want to be with someone who will text me as soon as they get back into town and someone who will see me, even if it’s just for an hour. I need that in my life, I need the extra mile from a guy and I don’t think this guy can give me that, because I do know I am a beautiful, smart women and even greater I have such a huge heart and a huge capability to forgive and to care for others. I need a man in my life who will never make me feel worried they will leave. I need this. Maybe what is hurting me so much is that I realize I need to cut it off. That I need to cut it off because I’m not receiving what I need.

God that hurts my heart to say that right now. 

What hurts so much right now is the fact that I just want to find the love of my life, I want them here right now, in front of my eyes, I want them to hold me, to make all my past pain disappear with their arms. I want to walk into my coffee shop with my computer, my books and a guy will look up and see me, simply who I am. Then he will fall in love with my freckles, my smile and the rest is the outwards breath of everything will be ok now, you can let go now. I want a mad hungry, thirsty kind of love. Of not being able to take our eyes off each other and I want to hear the passion of life not only in my voice but in the voice of another that loves me as passionately as they love the sound of the rain falling above their roof.

My God I want to breath again to the point I cough up all the past. I’m becoming impatient looking for him and I’m starting to lose all hope of ever meeting him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote the past few days:

I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already.
When we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already
it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars,
saying checkmate
whenever they get out
without a broken heart.
Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my flying parts.”
― Andrea Gibson

Tonight I must remind myself:

I am strong

I am Beautiful

I am resilient

I am a women that deserve the best out of love and more importantly out of life

(But shit do I feel so lost in my heart right now and I feel so unsure and out-of-place in dating.)

Help.

I’m a Wildflower

I’ve been seeing “falling into his arms” for about a month now.

I like him. More then just sex (But I guess my past blog made that very clear)

My biggest fear at the moment? That this is all going to end at some point. Like the guy “the best sex ever” where everything was going so well, I was just all smiles and then he changed his mind, wasn’t feeling it, wanted to explore the world more, see different girls more. I wasn’t the one at all, a good friends by the end of it, but not the one.

Then of course there was Vanilla thrilla; the one I thought would never cheat on me and then he did. It’s this relationship that has changed me; yes for the good, but sometimes good things also come with “the extra” the fear of abandonment, the new trust issues, the new worry of the guy I’m sleeping with is talking to other women more beautiful then me. I know this fear I’m having in the moment is something I shouldn’t be feeling or worried especially  when he has no time to be sleeping with anyone else but me, but still because of Thrilla and because of the other men in my past and of last fall, the men who normally flirt with me are not the best men, haven’t treated me well, not the in the way I should be treated. These past men have caused me to become cautious but Tina is right, I shouldn’t worry. Yet I do.

Because I do like him, I do care about him and seeing him does brighten up my already lovely day and on bad days. He is the positive man in my life. Don’t get me wrong I have positive men in my life, my father is one of them and I do have some fantastic guy friends but men I’ve dated, well that list is well, looking back at the guys I’ve dated in my past none of them treated me the way I should be treated , because at one point each of them have criticized me being too skinny, too heavy, needing to work out, less make up, more make up, dress up too much, dress down too much, was too sexual, not into sex enough, some cheated on me, some promised me they wanted me around, changed their minds and left without really letting me know. Each of these guys were more focused on what they wanted then loving me, caring about me just being myself.

I don’t feel this way anymore and to be honest that has a lot to do with me. I won’t let anyone make me feel that, I’m too strong now, now who I am now. I am and have always been a wildflower.

A flower of an uncultivated variety or a flower growing freely without human intervention.

I am fearful at moments he will walk away, he will leave me here alone. But thats a risk i’m very ok with making because he makes me smile and if he walks away then thats ok, because I’m strong enough now, I’ve always been strong enough. And the loss is his if he walks away. Plus I must remember he is must certainly not like any of the guys I have dated in the past, he is unconditionally kind.

 I’m not going anywhere, I’m enjoying the ride. I may have these “fears” but I must just continue to remind myself that fear is what makes me feel alive and is the reason I write. Like I just said, I’m a wildflower blowing in the wind of chance.

Moments

I know I go on a lot, really most of the time about not wanting to be with anyone right now.

And on certain days this is very true.

But I have these moments, between my dreaming and awake where I miss having someone.

Moments I wish someone would just lay with me, hold me, and kiss me.

I miss the gentler moments of an relantionship.

The moments of a soft touch on my leg and the brush of someones finger tips on my shoulders and down my back. Moments of staying up late, spending hours just talking.

Hours of laughing, hours of blissful smiles, and hours of brushing up against someone else’s hand.

I dream about these moments. That’s all I dream about for the past month and each morning I wake up happy. But this is something I still cannot find, or I still have yet to be noticed.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt any of these moments. Now don’t get me wrong, I have felt the touch of a man these past months, I’ve had someone lay awake in bed with me, talk to me, but I can say only two people have gotten me close to feeling good, just simply making me smile.

 

Until then, I guess I’ll keep on dreaming.

Image of me

I feel as though I’m only a body for most men.

I’m just flesh and hard bones to rub up against late at night.

I really feel like thats all men see me as. I’m someone to have causal sex with. I’m a warm body to fill their empty cold nights. I’m someone they can grace their hand across, get what pleasure they need and have no guilt, no responsibility to treat me like a woman should be treated.

I know I’m not all innocent, I know sometimes I wear a big old fat sign that reads, “I love sex!” Men get the idea from this blog, from speaking to me that I’m promiscuous and want to sleep with anything that moves.

This is a mistake.

I don’t want causal sex. I want to be with someone.

But then when I say this out loud, when I write that line out, the proclamation that I want a boyfriend, I want someone to be apart of my life , I  then see all the men run the other way. Its like I can’t win either way.

So I sit here working on my blog, writing my poetry, and this is always in the back of my mind.

I know most men only see me as a warm body.

How do I change this without changing apart of myself?

Because shit, I’m not going to stop be comfortable about my sexuality. I love sex, I love talking about it and making jokes about it and on top of that I’m very comfortable with my body. So thats not going to change anytime soon.

I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like a warm body. Actually I do. The guy I saw right after my major crazy ass break up this August. I didn’t feel like a body with “Peeta.” But everyone after that, I felt like a warm body and I was only good for one thing.

I think I’m getting washed out, I’m blurring to men. I don’t think they see me. I”m so quiet most the time and no one really tries to get and know me. I think I come off as stand offish sometimes. I’m just really shy.

I’ve been thinking about this scene:

The male character Gerry goes on about how the moment he fell in love with Holly and how he will always remember the first time they met.

Every time I’m walking down the street, drinking my tea at the coffee shop, having a beer at a local bar I wonder if this will be the day someone walks in, sees me, and like Gerry will always remember the moment he fell in love with me and knew in that moment of falling in love that he wanted to be with me forever.

This is what I’m waiting for. I guess I’m waiting for it. I don’t know. The more I wait for a moment like that, the more I get this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that it’s not gonna happen anytime soon.

It’s feelings like those that makes me feel like I’m not going to find love again for a long time. I think maybe its I’m such an out their kind of person, and I fall hard for people and I’m very open about my feelings and who I am. Maybe i’m wrong, maybe it has nothing to do with any of that.

Maybe I have no idea why.

I have no idea why I feel so lost in love right now.

I thought I had all that shit figured out a long time ago and then two summers ago, I thought I figured the rest out for sure.

But here I am, not really sure what to do.

Do I give myself to men, give my body up as causal or do I wait for someone to come along who sees me?

I don’t even know if I see me.

Plus this post, along with all my other posts don’t help my case. I know I must come off desperate, sad, lonely, sex crazed and also looking for a boyfriend. It’s all packaged up in one fucking crazy ass little box with a big ugly purple bow around it.

But ugh, I know, I know, if I want things to change, I have to be the change I want to see in the…blah blah blah, I get it. I’ll get up off my lazy ass and do something about it.

I get it life! I get it dating universe. I’ll shave my damn legs, brush my hair, put make-up on and go have a drink. Shit, I get it.

What are you looking for in a man?

I totally recommend everyone fill this out. It’s actually really difficult to do but so worth it. I got this from my class last week, we are going over gender differences so my professor handed this all out to the women of the class.

What specific kind of a man are you looking for? (For example, funny? Hardworking? Generous?)

Definitely looking for a guy who can make me laugh and also can get along with my goofy humor. Hmm, I guess I’m also looking for a guy who can inspire me with my work, not just with my writing, but my job too. Also a guy with a kind heart and soulful spirit, who really just loves life, loves going out and having a great time. Definitely an optimistic person, who has their own unique passion and hobbies they love.

How do you expect to be pursued? (Do you want regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least three times a week? Do you want him to always pick up the tab?)

I wanna be pursed, I want you to come up to me and ask me out, especially if I’ve made a small move, like giving you my number or wanting to talk to you on Facebook, asking questions about what you like, favorite movies, TV shows, etc. But I want to know you’re interested in me.

I don’t need him to pick up the tab every time, but I have spent a lot of my relationships  with me paying more,  so I will say it be nice for once to have a man pay for me. It really does feel good.

I don’t expect dates three times a week, or anything like that, just ask me out, take me out, lets have a good time.

What level of commitment do you expect?(Do you want an open relationship? Or date exclusively? Should it be up for discussion?)

Well, when I first start seeing someone, I prefer it to be more open, more testing the waters, see if it’s going to work out or not. But at a certain point I would hope to figure out if it’s going somewhere. I’m not really into the whole causal dating scene, because the term “causal” to me means that you’re just fuck buddies, without any strings attached, or having any kind of commitments, so it’s a come as you please kind of situation. But yes I don’t mind it being open at the start because both parties need to figure out if this is going to work out or not, but at a certain point I want it to go some where or just end up being friends.

What kind of financial security do you expect this man to have?(Do you want him to be rich? Do you want him to make more money than you? Are you okay with a blue-collar worker?)

If they are happy, and love their job, I really don’t care how much they make or what they do. I understand this, because I love my future career path and I love writing and I understand that I won’t make a lot in teaching or writing but I love it the same, so if the guy I’m with is in love with his job I don’t care how much he is making.

Do you want man who wants kids and is family oriented?

Well, I’m not really thinking about kids at this point in my life. Shit, I’m not even thinking about marriage at this point. But I would prefer to date a man that would consider having children in the future.

Does he have to be religious/spiritual?

No, he does not at all. I’m a very spiritual person, more in the terms of the planet, and the stars, universe. But I’m not sure about a higher power belief. But you know I will support whatever they believe as long as they understand my beliefs and respect them. Also as long as they are not in some crazy cult…I just couldn’t handle that and you know what, now thinking about it, I’m surprised I haven’t dated a guy whose been in a crazy cult.

Do you mind if he’s a divorce or has kids?

I don’t mind if he’s divorced, umm I don’t think I can handle a man that has kids, because I’m 23 years old. I’m not ready to even have my own children.

Can you help a man build his dreams? Can you adapt to his plan?

Yes, I can help a man build his dreams, I’m really attracted guys with lots of potential and what to make something of themselves. Yeah I can adapt to a guys plans, I mean I think thats a hard question to ask, because I know it may be different with different situations and guys. Also the one thing I need and I really cannot adapt to is that I want to go back home to California, because thats where my career is. Thats extremely important to me and its crazy to think that I have been turned off by some guys purely because they said they want to move to the East coast or I have also been super turned onto a guy because he mentions he would love to move to California.

What do you expect of his family? (Should you get along with his mother? Do you care if he doesn’t get along with her? Or if his father was never around?)

I would hope I can get along with his mother, I mean I’ve only dealt with not getting along with a boyfriends parents once and I was really young and I don’t think I really did anything wrong, it seemed that they simply didn’t like me no matter what I did.

It doesn’t bother me at all if he doesn’t get along with his mother. I understand that everyone has different family situations and everyone has grown up differently, so I can fully understand if he doesn’t speak to his mother due to life situations.

What should he be willing to do to woo you? (Should he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts?)

Shit I want him to pursue me, to flirt with me, tell me I look good and in the terms that I’m beautiful (not that, oh your hot smoking shit) and come up to me when I’m sitting down working. Because I’m shy most the time but I will make a point to let a guy know I’m interested and you should ask me out or come up to me. I don’t need or want gifts. I just want to spend time with someone I like talking, go hiking, ride bikes, watching Tv, movies, stuff like that. I want to get to know someone and experience life.