Category Archives: Alignment:

Dirty Things

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Remember that time during my blog posts where I use to write a lot about sex, men I’m having sex with and the dirty stories about my weekend?

Yeah, I don’t remember either as I’m about to yet again talk about my burning loins desire for pancakes and yet again how much I enjoy masturbation.

Tonight at midnight as I was laying in bed looking up more journal submissions (I’ve sent 15 in the last two weeks) I wanted ice cream and I realized I had Klondike bar. So I proceeded to say aloud and alone in my bedroom, “What would I do for a Klondike bar? Answer: Get out of bed and put pants on.

Masturbation has become a weekly thing more than how it’s normally been the past months. I’m at that stage of no sex, the I need a regular “something” going on. Now I’m actually not complaining about this whole no sex issue. I’m actually having a wonderful time. I forgot how much more wonderful orgasm’s can be masturbating alone.

Also I’m far too busy with poetry, school and the stresses those two bring on to be worried about sex or in a relationship for that matter. It’s freeing to not want or need someone else and to be honest I’ve never felt that before now.

Oh on other news I’ve won another award for my poetry! Oh yeah, the same award I won last year on campus. That was a lovely piece of information to hear. I only wish I wasn’t so stressed about school to enjoy it more.

Like I said I have also sent out my poems to a bunch of journals so fingers crossed a few poems stick and find a home! I’m feeling good and have a good feeling that a few will get published.

So sex may not be on top of my list and dating has been crossed out right now but I have poetry, my friends and some wonderful energy floating around me.

Believe me I much rather have the poetry right now than any man.

Sorry fellas!

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Filed under Alignment:, Being a woman, Dating, FOOD, funny, good energy, poetry, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, universe

My Spirited Heart

It’s been rather snowy few months here in the Midwest. It’s almost like the Midwest knew I was going back to California in the spring and wanted to make sure I had the full Midwest snow experience. (Thanks)

January/February has been a mix of stress, peaceful meditation and moments like the ones I’m experiencing today. Blissful happy and sad memories.

You see I’m working on my second chapbook for my workshop class. I’ve decided to focus on my past relationships. I think it’s about time I’m honest with some of the most intimate moments of my life that involve sex, men and my feelings towards being a woman and growing up feeling like an object of sex. Today I worked on two wonderful new little poems and I’m very excited about both of them.

As of right now I’m very single.

Yes I was talking to and went out on a few dates with this engineer guy but it was a looks better on paper kind of deal. I just have no attention to him. I don’t lay in bed wanting him near me, if anything it’s frustrating that he has tried to meet up with me…a little to needy for my taste.

And I would love to get laid, but let’s be real that’s not going to happen. I’m rather tired of the hook-up.

There is someone I’m crushing on but I’m sure he just views me as a friend. (I hope that’s not true) But it’s more than likely is true…that he doesn’t like me in that way.

I’ve been very into the film Spirited Away lately.

Why? I don’t know. I just have.

I have been feeling very connected to films like Spirited Away, Coraline and Pan’s Labyrinth.

Spirited.Away.full.782485

I’m ready to go home soon

Ready to look at MFA programs for my poetry and I’m ready to meet someone whose going to be everything I could never write about.

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Filed under Alignment:, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dating, Dreams, Life, Love, Meditation, my writing, poetry, school, Thankful, thoughts, universe, What do you want in a man

Meditations: Animal Spirit Totems and Twin Flame

 

 

 

Its pretty obvious I’ve been struggling with relationships on different platforms these last few weeks. I’ve been left feeling rather heart-broken and very disappointed in men [boys] who have left me with empty promises. A cycle of getting over the idea of something exciting happening and the promise that one of these mornings I will wake up to someone holding me.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt someone.

Today I decided it was time to figure out my Animal totems. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a few years now and I after speaking to a friend on Tuesday evening I felt it was about time I did something about it. After reading a lot and meditating where I ended up passing out for 45 minutes I realized how silly I was to not have known my animal totems. I read a lot of article and books today that spoke about how your animal totems tend to be animals that are recurring throughout your daily life, they pop up everywhere and you have always been interested in them. During my meditation as I was laying on a sandy beach I discovered three:

  • A cat, orange and white appeared to me. Which is freaky because the past few weeks I have been seeing this cat named copper when I go over to visit my friend Alicia We think he must belong to someone in the neighborhood. Copper [the name we gave him] first appeared on Halloween, which was the week this guy I was hopeful for something told me it wasn’t working out and to stay away. This cat brought me so much comfort to me that night. I’ve always felt very connected with cats too. I’ve had my cat since I was six. Also….ok this sound silly and I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this in a long time but when I was a kid at recess I would pretend I was a cheetah. I shit you not my three dream jobs as a kid where, U.S Women’s Soccer player, Zoo veterinarian and Cheetah. I also remember acting out the Lion King in preschool a lot too.
  • The second animal that came to me was my old dog Sassy. Which I didn’t expect to happen, to encounter a childhood pet. She was a Kerry Blue Terrier.  Sassy died when I was in kindergarten though, I saw her get hit by a car. I loved her so much and I miss her everyday. It was comforting to see her again, but this time she came to me during mediation.
  • The last animal that arrived was this large golden eagle….go figure. But to be honest I was surprised to see this Marahute looking bird land down besides me. I’ve never felt very connected to birds, or so I thought. I woke up in middle hug with this bird to realize I not only have a feather dream catcher above my head on my ceiling, but I have a large feather by my desk I randomly found one day and hung up a week before I found out about my ex cheating on me. Then of course these necklace which I tend to wear as I perform.

I am bird

Also I was reminded how much wings end up in my poetry. So maybe I have been more connected to birds then I thought I was. I mean my chapbook does end with a poem about this giant bird.

Then after this meditation I stumbled upon another meditation  and books on “finding your twin flame.”

Twin Flame:  A twin flame is quite literally the soul’s other half, which parted before entering the 3rd dimensional experience and human incarnation. Basically it’s another form of a “soul mate” in a way. Plato and the New Testament of the Bible both discuss the idea that we were once whole but then got divided into two. Of course Twin Flame involves a lot more meditation and chakras opening and of course understanding the need to put aside the “ego.” It’s also important to note there was a lot on the whole idea that once you find your “Twin Flame” that means you both are on your last life on Earth, your last reincarnation. I thought what they heck! I’m going to do this sweet ass guided meditation I found and maybe I’ll figure someone stuff out.

Now I’ve done a few guided meditations before, so I’m aware if they are working or not. This one was rather interesting. I was ahead of the steps a little bit, which is a good sign. It Means I was deeply in the meditation and my mind was ahead of where she was guiding me. You meet this man in all white robes, blue eyes, he holds his hand out and you grab a hold of it and in this moment I broke down crying. For a good amount of the meditation I was crying. Then I met my Twin Flame. Well, I lost the image of him. I’m going to do the meditation again to get a better image of him, but it I know it was a man. He was tall and he made me break down even more. I asked him to contact me more, because I need to know he’s there thinking about me. He asked me to be strong, that I needed that. We were asked to give each other a gift, without hesitation I handed my favorite writing journal over and without hesitation he handed me a pen.

It was a rather an extremely emotion experience for me. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. I want to go back to that meditation to get a better picture of him, because the feelings were so strong.

Listed below are some of the attributes of a twin flame relationship:

  1. You had dreams or visions of this person and/or your energetic relationship before ever meeting in this lifetime.
  2. Meeting your partner felt like “coming home” to a familiar, long-lost energy. After meeting, you had “memories” of other times and places with that person that are not part of this life experience so far.
  3. Your partner mirrors your own issues, concerns, and imbalances, but you also complement each other’s skill sets, talents, and capacities. You are the ultimate embodiment of yin/yang.
  4. At least one partner is of higher frequency, possibly a First Waver, Indigo, and/or Crystal, or is genetically related to one.
  5. You may be of different ages, the same or opposite sex, vastly different backgrounds, “opposing” religions or cultures, but you feel an incredible unity or incomparable sense of oneness with your partner.
  6. You feel each other’s symptoms, illnesses, and emotions even when you are not near each other or in communication.
  7. Your functioning is impaired or much less optimal when you are apart from your twin flame. It physically and mentally hurts when you are not together.
  8. When you are with your partner and the relationship is in balance, you become stronger, more powerful, and more capable than you have ever felt. You feel united in a mission or “calling” to serve others and the world.
  9. Your unconditional love for your partner is like no other. Your partner is likely to have a certain habit, quality, or “baggage” that would be a deal-breaker for you in any other relationship. However, you overlook it or willingly work through it with this partner– no matter what it takes.
  10. You met your partner when one or both of you were in other relationships or otherwise “unavailable.” It’s likely that you met when and where you were least consciously expecting it.
  11.  Either you or your partner feared the power of the twin flame connection and ran from the relationship so as not to feel overwhelmed and/or vulnerable. Years may go by before you are both in the “place” to finally commit fully to the relationship.
  12. The partner who ran from the twin flame relationship finally “wakes up” and realizes the significance. His or her “a-ha” moment comes as the result of a loss, illness, or other personal catastrophe. He or she then comes to terms with the fact that there is no other person or priority more important than the twin partner.
  13. No matter how many times you break up or separate, forces seems to bring you back together. You see the “signs” and reminders of that twin connection everywhere, urging you back together.
  14. Your relationship is characterized by extreme highs and lows, including passion and intense pain you’ve most likely never felt before.
  15. In efforts to harmonize, justify karma, and balance each other, you “push each other’s buttons” and test each other’s limits like no one else has or ever will. Nevertheless, the extreme highs in the relationship consistently get higher.
  16. Friends, family members, and others in your circle can’t relate to the twin flame dramas and always try to get you to move on to someone or something else that seems more logical or better for you “on paper.”
  17. The growth you experience, the lessons you learn, and the person you become in the twin flame relationship are more significant, happen more rapidly, and are more powerful than any other experience or period of growth in your life.
  18. You realize that your previous soul mates or other relationships prepared you for the twin flame reunion. Your twin flame may even have or embody a number of the unusual characteristics or outstanding attributes of your previous mates and soul friends.
  19. You feel as if you’ve been waiting your whole life for this person. When you look back at your life, you see illnesses, sabotaged relationships, or other situations that  manifested because you were still waiting and still looking for “the one.”
  20. Even if you are extremely tired of 3 dimensional existence here on earth, you heal, evolve, mature, and continue to live– just to stay with your twin flame partner.
  21. You are an “old soul” and this is your last human experience.
  22. The more that you and your twin partner spend time together, the more rapidly and completely you awaken to higher consciousness.
  23. You have a deep knowing that your twin partner is your destiny– not just in this lifetime, but also when you ascend, return “home,” and are reunited for eternity.

I know this must sound so silly to a good chunk of you, but I’m sick of shying away from this spiritual stuff that I love reading about and meditating about. Mediation as gotten me so far and has healed me so much. Even if this stuff is just silly at the end of the day I don’t care because I’m closer to knowing myself then half the population out there.

I do worry if I will meet my Twin Flame in this life. Maybe I will….maybe I won’t. Sometimes I sit here and worry….more I try to make peace with the idea that I’m not going to meet anyone, I’m not going to get married and I’m not going to find the love I’m looking for. I’ve started to make peace with this idea. But I fear I can’t live like that, it psychically hurts my chest when I think like that. But I also feel like everyone meets me and crushes on me then turns and walks out the door but they realize what I have been keeping from myself for years now. I want someone, I’m looking for a relationship, I’m looking for that one love. I need to stop kidding myself. Because it appears every other man [boy] knows this. I need to admit this to myself right now.

“And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight even for a moment.”
–Plato

 

 

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Filed under Alignment:, Beautiful, Cats, Confessions, Dating, Dreams, Hope, Life, Love, Meditation, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe

Putting the universe back into alignment

Song of the Day: Locked out of Heaven by Bruno Mars

Poem of the Day: Stay by Andrea Gibson

Quotation of the Day: “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
― Ernest HemingwayMen Without Women

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted something up on my blog. Now this doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing and telling my stories; I just haven’t posted any of them up yet. I’ve also been in the process of writing poems. No joke, I have over 22 pages of poems minimized on the corner of my mac. Each are half way done and a little messy and some were written in a half drunken state but each one has a little bit of my heart and soul in them. So they are special to me.

Thoughts of the week:

-Have you ever had those moments wearing only your lace blue underwear, and lace bra and you’re looking into the mirror and you think to yourself, “Damn, I look good today!” I had one of those moments yesterday and it was great. But that moment followed with the thought of damn no one but me is going to see this hot piece of ass tonight….Cool.

-I have these moments from time to time were I miss being in a relationship. It’s those moments I’m laying down in bed and I wait for some to grab a hold of me and cuddle with me naked. Or the moment someone drops me home and everyone I know is going home to someone for the night. Those are the moments I miss being in a relationship, feeling needed and having someone to go home each night that wants to know how my day was, what I think about that movie I just saw or just simply wants to talk about sports. (ok only sports I know anything about is soccer and Motorcycles so thats a bit limited)

-This month has been rough. I feel like words have been thrown into my mouth and people viewing me in the wrong light. It’s frustrating, because in all honest I’m slick smooth operator, I could never use someone behind their back, I’m a bad lier, and when I really love something with all my heart I put all of myself into it. But after this month I feel all of my heart is lacking into the one thing I love most. I feel myself pulling away just a bit and it really hurts my heart, and even writing this section is making me teary eyed. I hope this feeling goes away soon, because exhaustion is sinking in and I’m becoming burnt out.

-I miss soccer. I was looking through my old email account and I came across old requiters for different colleges, one in particular  stands out. North Carolina would have been a great place to play soccer for. That would have been dream. When it’s really cold outside, or I have slept on my back wrong I still feel the reminder of why this dream never came true. Have bad days with my back and my neck, but I’ve been going through these bad days since sophomore year so I barley notice the pain anymore. But when I do feel the back pains or my knee  dislocates  I do miss playing soccer. I do miss my club teams and I do still wonder what I would be doing today if I haven’t been tackled and hurt so bad, I wonder where I would be today with soccer. But then again, maybe I wasn’t meant to be playing soccer, maybe I’m meant to be sitting here, writing about my life and falling in love with each new word I learn.

I guess I’ll never truly know which path would have made me happier.

-I think I’m a serial dater. I’ve been dating a lot, which is odd because I’ve been in more relationships since my senior of high school, then I’ve been single, but here I am dating, dating a lot. I think it’s the red hair, or you know what I bet it’s my sense of humor, haaha…yeah right.

-There are a few people I have crushes on at the moment. Two of them are complete pains in my ass and should just ask me out! I swear sometimes, men. You hit on me, you talk to me, and shit you’re definitely good looking, so damn, just ask me out already, because I will say yes. Ugh, sometimes I swear men, I obivous like you, but you know sometimes I wonder if I’m too shuttle or something, but ehh I don’t know. But until then, I’m just going to say men are pains in my ass and they just need to ask me out. Or I don’t know maybe I’ll just buy a cat or something.

Alignment: The process of adjusting parts so that they are in proper relative position: A set of gears needs a periodic alignment. I feel out of alignment, I’m out of place, in need to a quick fix. I’ve felt out of alignment for about two months now, maybe it’s been longer, maybe it’s really been all my life, I don’t know, but I do know I can finally feel it, I feel out of alignment, my gears need to be placed in the proper position. Maybe I don’t cry enough, maybe I cry too much, maybe I don’t get anger enough. Maybe I have too many emotions jumping from one page to the next.  I understand that I’m out of alignment, but how do I put myself back into place? What place was I even at? I don’t know. But today I feel like I’m moving back into place, like a set of big braces are slowing sliding me back into my place. I want to be back into my place, I want to feel comfort again, or do I? Actually now that I think about it, I have been out of alignment all my life, I haven’t ever felt like I fit in, I have never felt like I had a place and I know thats rare, that makes me beautiful and different. Do I want to lose that? No.

Looks like I’m at an impasse. I don’t want to be like everyone else, I like being out of place, I like different, but sometimes feeling different does take its toll on you.

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