My life has been a series of struggles, like everyone else on this Earth I have cried during hard times, I have watched loved ones die, pets die, gone through my own personal challenges. We are mortal, we’re not perfect, we will have bad days, good days and moments to smile.
This past year though personally has been a series of struggles for me or as I look at it now, “Life testing how resilient I am.” Between my struggle with love, school, work and every in between this has year and 2012 has a year of tears, fighting for what I love and moments of sitting alone in my room wondering if I will ever find love, ever be done with fighting for what I love and if I will ever be done with some of these continuing struggles.
Then I have these moments of such joyous gifts, of amazing events happening in my life and these moments shine light on all the terrible shitty shit moments and really just push them away.
For example: The week The one that turned out to be an ass hole decided to just stop talking to me which made me so crushed, is also the week I found out I won this poetry award for one of my pieces. Which of course has changed everything for me, because this was the moment I looked at my writing differently, my peers, my professors, my friends began to look at not only my writing differently but me as well.
These moments have continued to shine on my life, from becoming a featured poet, to the amazing feed back at open mic nights, to workshops with amazing people, to the moment I started to realize I’ve grown up into this beautiful woman.
I’ve been looking back on last year and the year that is in progress and I always say to myself, “Wow, I’m so lucky, I’m so blessed and I think the world is looking out for me.” And this is always the one thought that follows, the one thought I have been thinking about for years had it isn’t until tonight I have finally spoken about it out loud, “I think someone is watching out for me.” Like a Guardian Angel.”
And I know exactly who my Guardian angel is……….My Grandpa.
He passed away after developing cancer from asbestos exposure. On multiple occasion my mother tells me this story. Your Grandpa found out his was sick and around this same time I was born. I have always been told that after I was born my grandpa was so happy, so excited! And since both my parents were working at the time, he was always babysitting me. My grandpa would follow me everywhere. “You made his day.” “He loved you so much.” “You were everything for him.” “He focused on you instead of his sickness.”
A little bit after my 1st birthday he passed away.
After talking with a good friend and finally saying all this I do agree with him and finally see it. These moments with my Grandfather make up 100% of who I am today as a person. He is the reason I am the caring person I am today. He is the reason I grew up happy, grew up a dreamer, grew up giving out all this love. I was his world for a year, he was mine too.
Looking through photos tonight I begin to flood with emotions and tears for a man I don’t even remember, for a man who was only around for a year of my life. This moment……Of tears falling down my face at the age of twenty-four make me firmly believe that my Grandpa is watching over me, is holding me when I cry alone, is the reason I have more sunny days then rainy days.
I only wish he could have been on Earth to watch me grow up in person. I would have loved more hugs on Christmas, more smiles on birthdays, more forehead kisses as I leave for college, more time with someone who gave me such a blooming love inside of myself.
Then I remember……he is watching after me. Like the sun touches the flowers petals, like the wind kisses my face and the stars fill up the darkness. He sees me, he knows I love him and he is forever watching out for me.
He is my foundation of love, he is my Grandpa.