“I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.” -Mike Birbiglia
Now that I’ve finished my chapbook I’ve given myself a few days of down time. Letting my mind rest and my body just lay down in bed or watching movies in the downstairs living room with a plate of cookies.
Since I’ve been “trying” to not work on my poetry I’ve been scanning the internet reading other blogs and articles. Tonight I came across a post Thought Catalog: “7 Types Of Pizza That Would Make Great Lovers If They Were People.”
After reading the title I became extremely excited about reading a post not only having to do with food, but is resonate talking about having sex with me…clearly an article for their women’s reader-ship when the main picture of the post is of a woman holding onto her pizza lover. But once I began reading this article I realized how a funny little idea went in the wrong direction. (Maybe I’m far too passionate about my lovers and my pizza)
Their number one: DiGiorno Pizza
First of all they failed to mention DiGiorno Pizza Cheese Stuffed Crust. If we are going to be comparing great sex and pizza lets first start off with cheese in the crust. Second of all DiGiorno Pizza should never be compared as great sex or a “great lover” as this post likes to call sex. DiGiorno becomes the “stay at home boyfriend.” No, I had that boyfriend when I was twenty-one. The post then mentions that you don’t have to go outside to get this pizza. Umm no, you still have to go drag your hungry ass to the grocery store, with no bra on, single and too damn lazy to make a homemade pizza, so you make your way to the froze pizza section where you meet “DiGiorno” and you think this could work, it looks good, it’s friendly and I don’t have to work at all to get a bite. But at the end of the night you realize this pizza is not sweet on me, it’s not good in bed at all. It turns out it was just a romp through the field.
Lovability is not a 9.8/10 (No)
Their Number Two: Little Caesars HOT-N-Ready Pizza
The post seems unsure if Little Caesars is the relationship type or the booty call. Clearly they have never eaten Little Caesars because it’s not only the booty call pizza but the really drunk one night stand that you have and after you end up going to the clinic for an STD test. This shouldn’t even be the “quick fix.” Believe me I’ve had a bite of this pizza and it was a one time very very drunk hook-up that you wake up to thinking, “fuck I did that” and “time to go get tested.”
Lovability is not: $5/10 More like 0/10
Their number Three: $1 NY Pizza (Or cheap slices, $3 Maximum)
I’m not a hooker, they are not a Giglio and we are not strippers. Great sex is not based on the amount of value of money, unless you’re into that short of thing…But still that’s not a “great lover.” Plus the post claims, “You would hold on tight to this person and consider yourself lucky to have found an affordable, scrumptious significant other.”
Lovability they gave A+/10 (seriously need to stop switching the scale…
Their number four: Papa John’s Pizza
Ok, I agree with this one the most and what the post has to say. Papa John’s Pizza is the equivalent of the guy you date that after you break-up you see everywhere. But I disagree I can to resist biting into their hot pizza, it’s not worth the burnt mouth. They were an asshole, always going to be an ass hole and they are just acting like they care. So no I will not bite into them. I’ll find my own local pizza place that cares about my needs, my hunger and will give me a light spanking now and again.
Lovabilty is not a 8.9/10 (This rating they gave doesn’t make sense. If they’re the ex and burning your mouth why would you rate them so high?) Booo!
Their Number Five: Domino’s Pizza
I’m rather confused with this portion of the post, because they don’t really discuss the quality of pizza itself more the fact that Domino’s comes off as “thirsty” and the Pizza Tracker can be related to a boyfriend who constantly lets you know where they are at all times. (Which is not a healthy at all) Yet the post fails to mention how this pizza would make a “great lover.” When in the reality the post sets up Domino’s not as a great lover but a clingy lover who you felt bad for because they tried really hard to win you over, so you give them a go in the sack. (Which will all know who that turns out).
Lovability they gave: 9.89/10 Ok maybe more an 8, but that’s because they are cute and sweet, but the sex….no that’s nowhere near an 9 or 8. Sorry I’m not sorry.
Their Number Six: Pizza Hut
The describe Pizza Hut as, “Pizza Hut the person would obviously have a symmetrical face and a witty personality, glowing with a gorgeous aura that is borderline intimidating. If Pizza Hut was interested you’d certainly act because who can resist…”
I will agree with the first line I left out, that yes I knew Pizza Hut growing up and I was always excited to see one or hear I may end up with some pizza, but the fact is I was young and I just wanted some pizza. Then I grew up and realized what Pizza Hut really was. Full of coupons that don’t do shit, pizza that looks better in the picture and if I’m going to order pizza from a place I’m ordering from Domino’s (they have pasta bowls)
Lovability they gave: 9.1/10 (No….no way in hell)
Their Number Seven: A Pizza Buffet
Ok…poor pizza buffets. Plus this portions is just informing us lovely ladies that you shouldn’t jump from man to man or as they put it, “relationships.” Oh hell no….I want to try myself different types of pizza and I’m going to bite into has many slices as I want, when I want. Not necessarily all at one time and at one place but shit if I want a different kind of pizza by GOD I’M GOING TO GRAB IT AND EAT IT!
Lovability they gave: beginning &Middle: 9.8/10, Towards the end of relationship: -3/10
I really don’t what this one should be really rated but to me a variety means I’m going to find a good time and I thought this was what this post was really going to be about. The good times and the great sex moments via Good pizza.
Now I’m hungry for a real good time and a really good slice of pizza.
Both…at the same time….now.