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Stress

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Stress has become a huge player in my everyday life. My mother has always been a very stressed out person and I’m sure I’ve developed some of that stress from growing up around her.

Along with this stress is the terrible pain of my back and neck that has been playing out and its terrible. The amount of medicine I have taken and icy hot on my back has become never-ending and almost placing no effect on making me feel better. My back and neck pain makes everything exhausting and painful. It’s really slowed me down the past few weeks and I’m struggling to keep up.

Friends have become stressful. I love them to pieces but keeping up with everyone’s needs has killed me and stressed me out.

Poetry is always stressful, but I suppose of all the stresses I’m happy and try not to complain about the stresses of writing. More I’m sad my time with my professors is almost over. Of course I have moments of clarity, moments of immense doubt in myself and moments I just want a glass of wine.

But I’m worried because I feel like I’m close to a breaking point, like I’m going to just start crying and freak out. (Great Crazy Sally) I’m trying to prevent this from happening but I’m worried.

Dating stresses me out, more upset at the past, memories I’m ashamed of and the idea that I may never find someone I want to be with. There are plenty that would want to spend their time with me and I’m grateful and flattered but I’m not sure I want any of them. And the more i watch friends find someone and have someone and then the ideas of family members will die, my parents one day will be gone and it will be just me. It really puts everything into perspective the whole meaning behind lovely yourself, because everyday it really is just you. Yes you have friends, family, co-workers and peers but (ok this sounds morbid) but they’re going to die (you’re going to die) or you’ll lose touch with people, realize you no longer work. So its morbid weird thing I’ve been thinking about. Really understanding what loving yourself means.

I think this is where loneliness comes from.

When you have no one. I think this is why many pair off into mates, because it’s no fun feeling lonely and there’s the added plus of kids and passing on a bit of yourself.

Each night I fall asleep and whisper, “I am in love with myself.”

Each day I become more unsure if I ever will find someone who will match up with me, or if I will ever want to match up with someone. For all I know I do with so many but have turned them away because of this gut sick feeling I have towards dating right now. I almost feel sick and don’t want anymore to touch me. To be honest I’m a bit worried what this all means. I hope some of it comes from strength.

I’m pushing the hot showers, the chocolate, watching TV shows, getting more normal sleep than I normally get, like for example its 1:30am and after I post this I’m going to pass out and wake up at 9am. Normally I don’t fall asleep until 3am. I think the sleep and candy is keeping the break down at bay. I’m worried the neck pain is going to push the break down out in the open.

Just need to continue the deep breathing and wine.

And food…lots of food.

Also masturbating here and there. Like I shit you not I was in the middle of writing a paper, got horny, masturbated and then went back to writing.

This is my Life.

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Filed under Back and Neck Pain, Confessions, Dating, Death, Drinking, Family, FML, FOOD, Friends, Help, Hope, Life, Love, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, WTF?

Oh this Causal Life

Song of the day: Where I stood by Missy Higgins 

Quotation of the day: “It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I, I’m the one who can’t live with him. … I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman, I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.”
― Coco Chanel

Book I’m reading: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

For the majority of my dating life, up until now I have been a relationship kind of person. But I’m finding myself more and more naked, making out with a new flavor of the week each and every week. It’s getting to the point where it’s becoming harder for me to not only remember a guys names but for my friends as well. It’s gotten so bad that my one friend just calls each and every guy I’m seeing “David” Her logic is I will eventually date a David.

Now I don’t believe in Zodiac stuff at all, but I do think they are  fun to read through. Also sometimes I read them and I’m like damn Zodiac sign teller you are kind of right. I do prefer Leo’s to Capricorns, how did you know!? Damn. Like I’ve previously stated in another blog, I’m a Gemini. Yeah, I know…you should run for the hills. hahaha I think Gemini’s are the badasses of all the signs. I’m just saying…we be some crazy mother fuckers.

I think this is the first time in my life where I feel like I’m not going to meet Mr. Right anytime soon. And I when I say feel, I mean I have this deep down intuition telling me it’s not going to happen anytime soon. A few weeks ago in my Linguistic class my professor asks the women in my class, “How many of you after you graduate would want to be married within five years. Every women in the class raised their hand but me. Cool. I don’t think I’m going to fall in love again until I get back home to California.

I’ve begin this new stage in my life, it’s called causal. I’m still trying to figure the happy medium of what causal means. Because I have a hard time trying to figure out how naked I should get.

Last night I went out to eat. As Sat there eating I realized something. Shit there are three people in this restaurant that have seen me naked. I also have this problem on campus from time to time too. I told my roommate weeks ago, “I wish I could go through my day without seeing the three guys on campus that I have fooled around with, is that so hard to ask for!” I wonder if when a guy that has seen me naked looks at me in clothes but see me naked, like they can picture me naked. But I kind of hate the word “causal” I think it is such an open ended word. I prefer the word “dating” Because I feel like “causal” leaves everything up to so many possibilities. Also I’m trying to figure out the happy medium of who to have sex with. Because I definitely don’t just want to give it to anyone that walks into my life.

Also I’m at an impasse of who exactly to trust. I have trust issues, great I have those now. So I’m not exactly sure who to believe and what they say is true, because I don’t want someone to take advantage of me or use me.

My past keeps coming back to me. I don’t know why or how this keeps happening. I mean I’m not helping the situations of my past by letting it in. I don’t think past relationship can be rekindled. I mean I tried to date my ex all over again last summer, and look where that got me. Plus they already had their chance with me. I’m just not sure how I really feel, I just feel this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“You have your wonderful memories,” people said later, as if memories were solace. Memories are not. Memories are by definition of times past, things gone. … Memories are what you no longer want to remember.” 
— Joan Didion

But regardless of dating/relationship/sex I need to be around people that know who they are and know where they are going. I need to be around people that have a life plan, that have a beautiful future.

I’m not sure what experiences I want to have yet.

I’m know I’m worth more then a one night stand. I know I’m worth a lot, maybe more then most men I’ve met can handle. That’s why I’m still single. I haven’t met a man yet that knows this, that thinks about my needs before their own. That sees me glowing and smiling. And even if there are men out there that see’s this, it doesn’t mean they can give me emotional what I need, and especially can talk to me on my level. I need someone who has the emotional capability loving everything so fiercely it can barley be contain. And when I mean everything, I don’t mean loving me so fiercely, of course love me but I’m more concerned with the love you have for your family, life, career, friends.

I’m starting to think I’m imitating to men. I don’t know. I love life so passionately and so openly. I’m very up front about my life, i.e., this blog says so much. I’m not ashamed about my sexual history and especially not ashamed to mention it all over this blog. I think it’s hard for some people to date me or for me especially date someone because I know exactly what I want.

  • I want to publish a book
  • I want to love so fiercely that it cannot be contain
  • I want to teach
  • I want to eat the best piece of cheesecake in the world
  • I want my dream job, my dream is waiting for me back home
  • I want to go to every National park in the U.S.
  • I want to learn sign language
  • I want my Learning disability to mean nothing one day
  • I want to find a book that changes my soul again
  • I want to see Paul McCartney live on stage
  • I want to tell my story

A dear friend said this once to me when I was crying:

Everyone else shoots for the stars, knowing that if they don’t get to the stars they will at least hit the moon, but you, you shoot for the moon and end up in the stars.”

I look back at my life and I see this to be true, this is how I’ve always been. I sell myself short, in many aspects in my life. I am so powerful, so resilient, beautiful, caring, passionate, soulful.

I can see why I’m single. Because who in my life can give me what I deserve .

So I’m going to stick with Causal for the time being, until someone has their life together and can handle what I have to offer.

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Filed under Causal, Dating, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems