I feel as though I’m only a body for most men.
I’m just flesh and hard bones to rub up against late at night.
I really feel like thats all men see me as. I’m someone to have causal sex with. I’m a warm body to fill their empty cold nights. I’m someone they can grace their hand across, get what pleasure they need and have no guilt, no responsibility to treat me like a woman should be treated.
I know I’m not all innocent, I know sometimes I wear a big old fat sign that reads, “I love sex!” Men get the idea from this blog, from speaking to me that I’m promiscuous and want to sleep with anything that moves.
This is a mistake.
I don’t want causal sex. I want to be with someone.
But then when I say this out loud, when I write that line out, the proclamation that I want a boyfriend, I want someone to be apart of my life , I then see all the men run the other way. Its like I can’t win either way.
So I sit here working on my blog, writing my poetry, and this is always in the back of my mind.
I know most men only see me as a warm body.
How do I change this without changing apart of myself?
Because shit, I’m not going to stop be comfortable about my sexuality. I love sex, I love talking about it and making jokes about it and on top of that I’m very comfortable with my body. So thats not going to change anytime soon.
I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like a warm body. Actually I do. The guy I saw right after my major crazy ass break up this August. I didn’t feel like a body with “Peeta.” But everyone after that, I felt like a warm body and I was only good for one thing.
I think I’m getting washed out, I’m blurring to men. I don’t think they see me. I”m so quiet most the time and no one really tries to get and know me. I think I come off as stand offish sometimes. I’m just really shy.
I’ve been thinking about this scene:
The male character Gerry goes on about how the moment he fell in love with Holly and how he will always remember the first time they met.
Every time I’m walking down the street, drinking my tea at the coffee shop, having a beer at a local bar I wonder if this will be the day someone walks in, sees me, and like Gerry will always remember the moment he fell in love with me and knew in that moment of falling in love that he wanted to be with me forever.
This is what I’m waiting for. I guess I’m waiting for it. I don’t know. The more I wait for a moment like that, the more I get this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that it’s not gonna happen anytime soon.
It’s feelings like those that makes me feel like I’m not going to find love again for a long time. I think maybe its I’m such an out their kind of person, and I fall hard for people and I’m very open about my feelings and who I am. Maybe i’m wrong, maybe it has nothing to do with any of that.
Maybe I have no idea why.
I have no idea why I feel so lost in love right now.
I thought I had all that shit figured out a long time ago and then two summers ago, I thought I figured the rest out for sure.
But here I am, not really sure what to do.
Do I give myself to men, give my body up as causal or do I wait for someone to come along who sees me?
I don’t even know if I see me.
Plus this post, along with all my other posts don’t help my case. I know I must come off desperate, sad, lonely, sex crazed and also looking for a boyfriend. It’s all packaged up in one fucking crazy ass little box with a big ugly purple bow around it.
But ugh, I know, I know, if I want things to change, I have to be the change I want to see in the…blah blah blah, I get it. I’ll get up off my lazy ass and do something about it.
I get it life! I get it dating universe. I’ll shave my damn legs, brush my hair, put make-up on and go have a drink. Shit, I get it.