Tag Archives: red flags

When I was Comfortable

I’ve been reminiscing a lot recently about my past relationship with Thrilla, ok maybe  reminiscing isn’t the right word. Because it’s far from an enjoyable recollection of past events. I guess I’ve been examining the past. Trying to figure out what went wrong, finally past that point of blaming myself, blaming my sex and blaming the charm.

Last Thursday I went Iowa to perform my work, which is another story but I will add I did get paid and I got feed. It was like two of my favorite things, getting feed and paid to perform. But any ways I was sitting in this very crapped car and looking out the window something hit me, nothing physically hit me (thank goodness) but a strong thought within hit me upside the head,

“When I was with Thrilla I was so comfortable.”

I suppose this is nothing new to the never-ending stream of thoughts I have about this very failed relationship, but this is a thought I look at differently now. Right before I fell asleep last night I wrote this down in my notes on my cellphone.

I think comfortable is the worse word you can use in a relationship. It’s the first of numerous red flags that mean a relationship is ending.

I should have seen it coming, after I used the word I’m comfortable with my boyfriend. “I don’t know what I would do without him.”

No one should ever feel like this. Now I know a few people will get upset by me stating this, will say hey! Wait a minute! I’ve been a long healthy comfortable relationship or you’ll tell me you’ve been married for years now. I’m not trying to say this word is the end all be all but what I’m trying to point out is, there are better words in the English langauge then saying your relationship is comfortable.

If my ex (Thrilla) and I had made it one more month it would have been four years together and when he left me for another women, my life was shattered and I didn’t know what piece to pick up first.

But, if he hadn’t left me and hadn’t left me in such a final way that I knew we would never be  intimate or a couple again, I may have never started writing. I would have this blog. I wouldn’t think of myself as beautiful and I wouldn’t have all these wonderful friends and I wouldn’t have been in that car going to Iowa, because now of my poems would be written, especially the ones written about my failed relationship. I wouldn’t have my chapbook, I have experienced that on my own skin.

And I wouldn’t be craving for real love. Because I was comfortable.

It was April 2012, I was sitting with a friend in her living room. I had just found email messages of Thrilla and the other woman. They weren’t bad enough to worry but they sent a red flag up. I remember my back resting along this leather sofa, the one that seemed to stick to skin and in between the struggle of the sofa I spoke up to my friend, “I’m so comfortable with Thrilla, I don’t know what I would do without him.”

That was the first time I used comfortable in our relationship and in that same month Thrilla and her started their relantionship. And mine ended.

But, I do now know what I would do without him…

I’m better off. More than better off, I’m thriving.

And I don’t ever want to be comfortable again with someone. I rather be: happy, busy, smiling, holding, powerful, eating, sleeping, naked, sweating, hiking, writing, learning, dancing, singing, loving, enriching, beautiful, natural, spontaneous, transforming with someone.

I will never need or be comfortable with someone again.

I’m so thankful for this lesson.

Iowa

The view from the car on my way to Iowa.

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Filed under Beautiful, Ex-boyfriends, Life, Love, Message in the clouds, thoughts, universe

Leave this life so shattered

Life has definitely happened since the last time I put up a post. Somethings have changed for the good, others for the worse and some are continuing to stress me out to the point my chest is feels like cement.

First of all, my work. I’m tired of the battle, of the fight/games between co-workers. On Sunday I decided to step up and let go of the hurt, the pain of losing a friendship. I sat back and realized that if I want this job someday its time I start acting like it. It was time I stepped it up and showed how much I love my job and how grown up I’ve become. Plus I’m so thankful for my wonderful boss. I don’t think he will ever understand how much of an influence he has been in my life; he is my mentor and my dear friend. It’s safe to say I’m feeling much better about work and I’m actually in the progress of working on a project for my job, which is going to make life a bit stressful for a week but I love stress like that. MORE PLEASE! (Not joking, I really do love that kind of stress!)

I realized today how wonderful my friends are. I’m so thankful and lucky to have them in my life! Damn, I love my best friends. They are what keeps me going and without them life would be a lot more stressful and difficult to get through. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

The guy I’ve been seeing came home Sunday from spring break. I have yet to see him and he seems to be “busy.” I’m going to believe that he is truly “busy.” But it’s hard and I’m not going to lie, I think he’s seeing someone else/lost interest in me. This is a weakness I’m learning about. I have a hard time with the unknown. I just want to know whats going on, because I not only haven’t seen him but he has barely text me back. I don’t know why this is making my chest heavy. I’m trying to make sense of why this is hurting  so much. My friend Tina asked me these questions trying to help me find out last night at the bar.

Tina: Do you think you’re not good enough?
Me: No
Tina: Do you think it’s your fault
Me: No
Tina: Are you worried about being cheated on?
Me: I assume that everyone has the capable of cheating on me and I’ve been cheated on so much now that I don’t think it will affect me in the same way. So no.
 

Laying in bed two nights ago I wrote this,

How do you get over the feeling that someone is going to leave you? I don’t know how.

I think I’m scared of people leaving me after I’ve invested so much of my love, my heart, my caring energy on them. I give a lot in relationships and I do this at the very start in a relationship too. I wear my emotions of my sleeve. I haven’t been able to stop this and I don’t think I want to, because I think that’s a gift of mine; how loving I am. But its hard for me to watch someone go and try to go back to how my life use to be. Its like they have died and I must figure out how to go on without them there to hold me.

Maybe that’s my problem, I’m too dependent on having people in my life and when they leave me I come crashing down. Because right now I’m sitting in the car before the crash, before the crunch of metal and everything is in slow mo. I’m waiting for the crunch of this guy to walk off without me. I like him. Right not I’m doing the usual  female issue. I’m coming up with all these excuses for why he is not calling, not texting, not wanting to see me. But like the author Greg Behrendt says, “He’s just not that into you.” Those are the six little words in the back of my mind right now. Then past relationship, past men who come back into the fore front of my mind and I remember all the men that have left me and all have said, “You are such a sweet girl and I don’t want to hurt someone like you.”

So I’m now here. At the moment where I have text him and he hasn’t text back so now I shall sit and wait to see what will happen. My gut is telling me this is not going to work out, but is this really my gut or me scared to be hurt again?  Or is this me scared and over reacting and everything is just fine and he is really just busy. Maybe I’m simply not ready to feel the pain of losing someone again, because I know he would want to be friends but I know I can’t and this has been the case with everyone I’ve been with. From Pita to the best sex I’ve ever had. I told each of them I couldn’t be friends, not for a while anyway. Now best sex guy and I are good friends and this has led me to believe he has always cared about me, but Pita guy this is not the case and I understand now I was really nothing in his life. So I’m in this moment of “waiting.” But maybe that should be my sign. I want to be with someone who will text me as soon as they get back into town and someone who will see me, even if it’s just for an hour. I need that in my life, I need the extra mile from a guy and I don’t think this guy can give me that, because I do know I am a beautiful, smart women and even greater I have such a huge heart and a huge capability to forgive and to care for others. I need a man in my life who will never make me feel worried they will leave. I need this. Maybe what is hurting me so much is that I realize I need to cut it off. That I need to cut it off because I’m not receiving what I need.

God that hurts my heart to say that right now. 

What hurts so much right now is the fact that I just want to find the love of my life, I want them here right now, in front of my eyes, I want them to hold me, to make all my past pain disappear with their arms. I want to walk into my coffee shop with my computer, my books and a guy will look up and see me, simply who I am. Then he will fall in love with my freckles, my smile and the rest is the outwards breath of everything will be ok now, you can let go now. I want a mad hungry, thirsty kind of love. Of not being able to take our eyes off each other and I want to hear the passion of life not only in my voice but in the voice of another that loves me as passionately as they love the sound of the rain falling above their roof.

My God I want to breath again to the point I cough up all the past. I’m becoming impatient looking for him and I’m starting to lose all hope of ever meeting him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote the past few days:

I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already.
When we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already
it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars,
saying checkmate
whenever they get out
without a broken heart.
Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my flying parts.”
― Andrea Gibson

Tonight I must remind myself:

I am strong

I am Beautiful

I am resilient

I am a women that deserve the best out of love and more importantly out of life

(But shit do I feel so lost in my heart right now and I feel so unsure and out-of-place in dating.)

Help.

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Filed under Dating, Feeling Lost, Help, Life, Love, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe