Death

I know that we want to live forever.

And more importantly I know we want are love ones to live forever.

If Anne Rice has taught me anything through her books, its that we wouldn’t want to live forever any ways. We Simply couldn’t handle living forever. Now thinking about it, maybe thats why some many stories that involve  living forever are about vampires, creatures, and demons from hell, because these non-human beings, these dark creatures without a soul can handle the “forever.”

Well, never mind, because Anne Rices Vampires can’t handle the forever, half of her books they talk wishing for death.

But regardless of this I know that already at the age of 23 I’m overwhelmed with grief, overwhelmed with happiness and overwhelmed with the need to belong.

So how could I handle years, decades, centuries of death, war, and sadness? Or better put, why would I wish that upon myself or another person I love in my life?

Maybe thats the big joke the universe is playing on us. We have a soul, we see the grass swaying in the breeze, we love someone so much we claim it’s caused by an organ inside are body.

We have been given compassion, empathy, but at the end of the day we realize we could die.

Are could die

Siblings.

Parents.

Family.

Pets.

And the love of are life could die.

And with this knowledge what do we as humans do?

We fight it, we are a stubborn jackass species and will do everything to fight for a belief or a cause. We don’t want to die, everything is too beautiful here and we are too scared of the unknown. So we dream about living forever. But like the pages of Anne Rices novels, her vampire characters who too feared death, who too wanted to live forever wanted an easy out to the thought of death and they got their wish.

But then we see them in such pain, some even sleeping for centuries because they miss the past too much, they can’t living forever. These creatures carry so much pain. I don’t think I would want to carry that kind of pain around in my life. I don’t think I could fall in love over and over again for centuries, and then watch lovers, friends, family die over and over and over again.

Shit.

You’re a big old bitch universe. You know exactly where to poke at us and you blocked any kind of loop hole didn’t you? Damn.

Or maybe thats just the universe’s little hint to us, and maybe all those silly quotes about loving like you’ve never been hurt and living like its heaven earth are right. Maybe the universe just wants us to enjoy the time we have been given

And here’s the kicker, I think we all already know this, but we are just to blind to the idea. Sometimes we can be so selfish.

Why would anyone want to live forever any ways? When I think about it I wouldn’t want to live forever. I have already witnessed and read so many wonderful authors stories, I don’t need to read the next generation, because I love the books of my generation. I wouldn’t want to have lovers for years. I want love, I want to love someone so deeply that it will hurt so much when they die. I already have a wonderful family, I don’t need another one two centuries from now. And I get to stare out my window and look at a tree that will die someday and I will know I’m lucky to have seen it’s leaves fall off the branches and watch it bloom in the spring. And I don’t want centuries worth of friends, I want just the friends I have now and then some. I want to know I was one of the lucky people in this world to have known them.

So I wanna live for only as long as the universe has planned for me and maybe a little bit more if I’m lucky. And I’m going to use this time wisely. That means taking more chances, writing more, sending my art out into the world. I’m going to read more books, fall in love with a new word everyday. Eat too much food, talk too much, love my pets, watch them pass away, cry for them, cry for my loved ones that pass away and then smile knowing that they are onto their next adventure and be jealous of them, because they now know the secrets of the universe.

That means loving everyone I met, and kissing all the wrong people until the right one comes along. And having my friends by my side during every minute of my life.

I think I’m ok with the thought of death more. I think I will be ok with the thought of death more and more as life goes on.

I get it now Universe. I’ll start loving myself a little more each day now. And love those around me more.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.”So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. TolkienThe Fellowship of the Ring

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