Sitting on a departing American Airlines flight that will be heading towards California in a matter of minutes, I look out the window. The terminal slowly moves out of view and my fingers curl over plastic arm rests, my heart races and only one thought comes to mind, “shit I should have had sex last night.” What follows can only be describe as the aftermath of a late night party foul. I continue to repeat in my mind, “well there goes sex for a while, and what were you thinking Sally!” With realization setting in, I begin to feel like a recovering heron addict.
I’m rethinking this whole “Closed for season.”
“Closed for Season” Basically means I’ve chosen to compare myself as hunting season. Or like one of my close friends pointed out could mean snow season for snowboarding, skiing, etc.
I’m at that point of the hunting season where everyone is not aloud to hunt. Which allows all the deer to mate, have little Bambi deers and live happily ever after…until Bambi’s mother gets her head blown off by “man” entering the forest. This metaphor seems to make sense up until the multiplying of deer and the head blown off is a bit much…
“Closed for Season” this where I’ve been the past three weeks. Well until Monday….
Confession number one: I had sex Monday night. With a previous hook-up from last fall. The random drunk hook-up, where I kind of remember. This time I remembered more…cool. This guy is definitly just a hook-up for me. We do get along, we are friends and we have a good time but this one is clearly and always will be just sex, which I’m %100 ok with. Why am I ok with just sex with this one? I don’t think I will ever really understand or answer this question clearly. I have no answer here.
Confession number two: I met up with another past hook-up Tuesday night. We didn’t have sex and that was definitely a struggle for me. Because this guy….oh hot damn does he know what to do. Also I’m pretty positive he could be reading this…..and I know I had sex with someone on Monday and didn’t have sex with you last night. I know exactly what you would say to me, so no need to say it. haha. (This is directed to you, “Damn your good at what your do, so don’t give me that, because it was really hard to not have sex and I can’t say I won’t when I get back to Peoria two months from now.”) haha
Why have a chosen to not have sex with certain people and ok with others?
Reason number one: The guy I slept with on Monday, like I’ve said before, he is just a hook up. I have no other conncetion then a hook-up from him.
Other guys: After the asshole and bruiser, I have been feeling very used.
(Used isn’t my favorite word in this instance, but it’s the best word to describe the situation.) More so after asshole but bruiser hasn’t left me much hope when it comes to guys too, but I thought that even if asshole and I hadn’t worked out, we would have still became friends. Of course he preferred to disappear all together.
This has left me filling used, slutty and very alone. Now left here with guys, that are friends as well but I carry the same fear of being used for sex. This is what I feel with this guy. I’m not saying a have any huge feelings for him, because I barley know him, but I have ended liking him more then a fuck and leave situation. Believe me, this was the last thing I ever imagenie would happen with this guy. Never even thought about sleeping with him. But I am, laying in his bed, in his shower making out and it has been a long time since I’ve enjoyed kissing. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this turned on from kissing in a long time.
The fingers through my hair, the kissing of my neck. *Biggest turn on for me* And the kissing of my breast *yet another huge turn on* it’s been a long time since I’ve really just enjoyed these moments, this pre-sex bliss. Then came the moment I decided not to have sex with him. Simply I fear to be used again for sex. I want to know I matter more to someone, even if that is just a good friend.
Craving deep in my heart right now you be held, to matter to someone.
To see all my guy friends, the way they speak about their girlfriends, the way they speak about the woman they are seeing. Telling me how beautiful she is, how amazing the sex is, how hot she are, how sweet, loving, and how extraordinary talented and bright she is. Geez, I don’t think I have ever had a man say all those wonderful things to others about me or say all those wonderful things to my face.
That’s what I want.
I want to hear wonderful things about me:
About my eyes, hair, hands, freckles, back dimples, my finger prints
I know I am beautiful. I know I am talented beyond my wildest dreams. I know I am a sweet, nice girl. I know all these things. Sometimes though, a girl wants to hear it from a guy. Who will look at her so deeply that she feels like she is the only one in the room.
I want to be the only one in the room…
This is what I crave right now and this is why I have stopped myself, well most of the time from having sex with certain guys.
So…here I am. Sitting on an airplane thats headed back to California.
Finally realizing something else…this is the second time I’ve been back since my huge break-up with Vanllia thrilla and around April of last year is when this all started, when he started cheating on me with this other woman. This is when everything in my life kicked into first gear.
This is when my life began to change, before I even knew it.