I don’t think I even know how to date anymore. I’m definitely stuck, like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhogs Day I continue to repeat life over and over again.
I’ll admit I’m not exactly like Bill Murray, repeating my day over and over, more every time I met a guy I just end up hooking up, over and over. Different guys, same results. So minus Bill Murray, add one red head and replace the groundhogs with naked men. And you get me, stuck in the sex pool and not sure where the ladder went.
Disclaim: I haven’t had sex since May. (Something new I’m trying out) Which doesn’t seem to be helping very much. I still feel like everyone just wants to hook up and I still feel wobbly on my feet trying to be with someone for more then sex.
My stomach tied up in knots made of stone, I can hardly breath and I’m not sure if I’m ready to be with someone. Maybe thats the problem, I’m too scared to open myself up to someone. To give all of myself to someone, because when I fall, its like jumping off an ocean cliff, gravity’s [my heart] is going to make me fall hard.
I’ve always been that way. Don’t think I could ever be one of those people how just steps to the edge to take a look.
My goodness I’m just so terrified,
I’m not going to find what my hearts aching for. Because I’m dying, craving, eating large amounts of food, looking for some deep romance, some passion. Holding each other so tight in fear the other may disappear and I’m dying for those stares back at my when I’m looking into their eyes.