When it rains men, its pours

Movie I’m watching right now: Love Actually 

A Book I just got done reading: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Quick recap of the weekend before I get into the real story:

• Walking Dead is back! Woah! What a season premiere!
• Going to lunch with my little brother and his girlfriend tomorrow. Sushi!
• We will be adding another member to the house soon! Frida the Cat!!
• I have stopped crying and finally back on my birth control, so now I’m just very horny and it’s making me sweaty and shit. Also I now have a huge sweet tooth because of it.

StoryTime:

I swear when guys know your dating they come at you all at once. It’s like they don’t know how many people you’re seeing but they pick on this scent and the scent is called, “Hey lets tell Sally how we really feel about her.”

Guy number one: Well he’s been a friend, he comes over a lot. We workshop poems together. There has been on and off flirting a lot! And as my friends put it, every time I perform my poetry he gets a “poetry boner.” This is what I’ve been told from my friends watching the face he makes when I perform. (This has happened to multiple guys and my friend joke to me all the time about it) This one is never going to happen. Lets be real, he’s a nice guy but he’s just a big old flirt and he’s still pretty young. It would never work, nothing beyond a fun make out session.

Guy number two: My friend kind of set us up, he just moved into town recently. We met up at this really fun fall festival of beer thing. Ran around to different bars with him and my friends. Seemed to hit it off and he didn’t jet when I drunkenly spilled about my ex cheating on me. Then he came to my big poetry reading and then we both hung out this last Friday, just watched a movie. I wanted to take it easy, didn’t want to go out. It was nice, he didn’t make a move. Which is a new thing to feel, not having someone try and jump my bones. He’s a nice guy, attractive, runner,  gets along with my friends so far. I just don’t know. He seems young, not to sure how to date or I guess take charge. He’s a very nice guy so we shall see. Plus one negative is he doesn’t really read. But he’s a big movie buff, so that kind of makes up for it, but who am I kidding, it’s a  turn off when someone says they don’t read.

Guy number three: Oh boy, this guy again. So I hooked up with him drunkenly once and to be honest it was always more. I guess more than I even was aware of at the time. Which I should have known by the way he left that night. By the way he kissed me on my forehead, picked me up and place me on the bed and pulled all the blankets on me. But I kind of fucked up. A week later I slept with his friend. Did I know they were that close friends? No. Did I know this would affect him that much? No. This is one of my biggest regrets. (I don’t have many regrets) So we kind of stopped talking, but of course there was a little back and forth flirting, a little texting and then it stopped over the summer with him.

I stopped sleeping around and haven’t since May, because I realized I wanted something more than a one night stand.

Then we started talking again. I think it was the weekend I got back into town.We ran into him and his friends, who happen to be my friends and old roommates. That night as he was leaving my kind of drunk best friend Valerie whispered to him, “You fucked it up.” Which lead him to texting me that night, about how it was nice to see me and we started talking again. That lasted until the end of September and then again nothing.

Now I was aware that a friend of his had just passed away so I only figured he was going through some stuff so I stepped away. (My senior year of high school my speech team went through two very tragic death so I really learned that year that everyone griefs differently.)  And then what seemed like time away turned into me thinking, “well I’ve just faded into the background.”

That was until Saturday morning I woke up to a late night text message.

Two texts: He spilled his guts out about the death of his friend, which was rather tragic and very sad to hear and then the passing of his cousin, which is also very sad to hear. Which lead to him shutting everyone out and I should point he’s been going through stuff. You know, just life changing stuff, that “stuff” we all go through, just getting are shit together and figuring it all out(I’m not going to go into detail)

This lead to his second text, about how he does like me and does want to get to know me. And this is the last part of the second text (Replaced his name with guy) “But before I can do that, I have to sort myself out first. Its only fair. I refuse to give you the guy I am right now. I want to give you the guy I can be.”

I was rather speechless and not sure really what to say.

This one is hard for me. I like him, rather more than my head says I should. But it’s hard not to like him because it’s so easy with him. The talking, the looks, the jokes and he cares on another level. Like he knows my friends approval means a lot to me and how he gets along with them means everything. Sexual knows what he’s doing and he likes biting, which lately has been hard to come by. And more importantly his touch feels different. He’s somebody I want holding me. I’m craving for him.

But will this one ever happen? I’m not very hopefully, because well it’s been easier this past year to not have hope then it is to have hope in dating. Hearts break less.

But maybe I’ll give this one a little bit of hope.

Shit that’s happened and Shit thats continuing to happen

Shit that’s happened and shit that’s going on right now.

-Saturday and Sunday I spent all day judging at a specch and debate tounrament. and I had such a wonderful time! I miss speech, a lot. Of course I’m extermly happy with my poetry and writing too much to go back into speech but I do still miss speech. I always feel so comfortable there, I didn’t feel exactly comfortable at first because I had been away for a year now and haven’t really been couching too, but once I realized I was saying that right things I was like well damn I missed this. I got to judge finals of poetry with one of my roommates and another very good friend/I’ve hooked up with him twice, he’s the “That one night stand I really don’t remember” hmm I guess he’s not a one night stand anymore…

But this weekend was amazing, I judged about 10 rounds, so i was very sleepy Sunday night but it was very worth it. On Saturday afternoon I did jump onto my Mac to write this out:

Today sitting in speech round I realize that maybe I don’t want a relationship right now. Or at least there is no one in this town I’m just dying to have a serious relationship with.  It really hit me today and yes I’ve thought about this before, I’ve felt this, but today I felt is spread throughout my body and I was really happy. Really happy. My poetry is going so wonderfully for me, I’m so caught up with poetry that for once, I want to spend every waking moment enjoying myself, writing, memorizing, writing papers, reading and going to open mics.

-My best friend Valerie told me Sunday night that during the wedding she went to on Saturday, two of her friends asked her how things are going with her girlfriend. (umm awkward because they broke up in March) She tells them this and they seem shocked and then preseed to say, “but we saw you hanging out with her last week, the red head.” Yes, they thought Valerie and I were a couple. We both died laughing about this for about an hour and now make “this is why people think we’re a couple jokes.”

-I found out on Monday that my birth control Loestrin 24 is no longer being manufactured. Cool. But don’t worry the makers of Loestrin 24 FE are pleased to introduce Minastrin 24 Fe CHEWABLE TABLETSAnd then they add Miniastrin 24 Fe is expected to have the same efficacy, safety, and bleeding profile of LOESTRIN 24 Fe.

And I’m like umm EXPECTED! No, I want “WILL HAVE!” I don’t like that word, because Sally needs some sex soon and I don’t need expected anywhere in my sex. 

As I was hearing all about this at the pharmacy and how they may get me switched by tomorrow maybe Wednesday, all I could think it, “wow someone out there in the universe, whether thats God or whatever does not want me to have sex anytime soon.”

Soo….I GET UNIVERSE I STILL WON’T HAVE SEX! I’ll go learn to paint or some shit. 

Which is very difficult because I got kind of  thirsty on Sunday at the speech tournament and it doesn’t help that I forgot how many speeches I’ve hooked up with. Damn….

-Setting up a few poetry shows soon. I’ll have a 45 minute show of just my work. Then I’m setting up a show with poets at a coffee shop, then my friend is setting another open mic up and I’ll be headed to an open mic tonight. Also I’ll be driving with my friend to another performance in two weeks!

-Audition for The Vagina Monologues tomorrow!

-This one guy has been wanting to hang out with me, nice guy, good looking but in honesty I’ve been avoiding hang out. I’m nervous or something. Maybe I’m worried I’ll just end up hooking up, or maybe I just don’t really want to date. Because sometimes I come home and I just want to sleep, working poetry or memorize or sit and watch Tv. But I think I’m going to spend time with him this weekend, so here we go.

-I’m working on a few posts for this blog.

-Virgin Corn Field…Yeah he keeps messaging me late at night, trying to get me to drive and see him. Next time I’m calling him out.

Song of the day: Baby Don’t You Change by Tyrone Wells

Book of the day: Full Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti 

I’m a Wildflower

I’ve been seeing “falling into his arms” for about a month now.

I like him. More then just sex (But I guess my past blog made that very clear)

My biggest fear at the moment? That this is all going to end at some point. Like the guy “the best sex ever” where everything was going so well, I was just all smiles and then he changed his mind, wasn’t feeling it, wanted to explore the world more, see different girls more. I wasn’t the one at all, a good friends by the end of it, but not the one.

Then of course there was Vanilla thrilla; the one I thought would never cheat on me and then he did. It’s this relationship that has changed me; yes for the good, but sometimes good things also come with “the extra” the fear of abandonment, the new trust issues, the new worry of the guy I’m sleeping with is talking to other women more beautiful then me. I know this fear I’m having in the moment is something I shouldn’t be feeling or worried especially  when he has no time to be sleeping with anyone else but me, but still because of Thrilla and because of the other men in my past and of last fall, the men who normally flirt with me are not the best men, haven’t treated me well, not the in the way I should be treated. These past men have caused me to become cautious but Tina is right, I shouldn’t worry. Yet I do.

Because I do like him, I do care about him and seeing him does brighten up my already lovely day and on bad days. He is the positive man in my life. Don’t get me wrong I have positive men in my life, my father is one of them and I do have some fantastic guy friends but men I’ve dated, well that list is well, looking back at the guys I’ve dated in my past none of them treated me the way I should be treated , because at one point each of them have criticized me being too skinny, too heavy, needing to work out, less make up, more make up, dress up too much, dress down too much, was too sexual, not into sex enough, some cheated on me, some promised me they wanted me around, changed their minds and left without really letting me know. Each of these guys were more focused on what they wanted then loving me, caring about me just being myself.

I don’t feel this way anymore and to be honest that has a lot to do with me. I won’t let anyone make me feel that, I’m too strong now, now who I am now. I am and have always been a wildflower.

A flower of an uncultivated variety or a flower growing freely without human intervention.

I am fearful at moments he will walk away, he will leave me here alone. But thats a risk i’m very ok with making because he makes me smile and if he walks away then thats ok, because I’m strong enough now, I’ve always been strong enough. And the loss is his if he walks away. Plus I must remember he is must certainly not like any of the guys I have dated in the past, he is unconditionally kind.

 I’m not going anywhere, I’m enjoying the ride. I may have these “fears” but I must just continue to remind myself that fear is what makes me feel alive and is the reason I write. Like I just said, I’m a wildflower blowing in the wind of chance.