I’ve been seeing “falling into his arms” for about a month now.
I like him. More then just sex (But I guess my past blog made that very clear)
My biggest fear at the moment? That this is all going to end at some point. Like the guy “the best sex ever” where everything was going so well, I was just all smiles and then he changed his mind, wasn’t feeling it, wanted to explore the world more, see different girls more. I wasn’t the one at all, a good friends by the end of it, but not the one.
Then of course there was Vanilla thrilla; the one I thought would never cheat on me and then he did. It’s this relationship that has changed me; yes for the good, but sometimes good things also come with “the extra” the fear of abandonment, the new trust issues, the new worry of the guy I’m sleeping with is talking to other women more beautiful then me. I know this fear I’m having in the moment is something I shouldn’t be feeling or worried especially when he has no time to be sleeping with anyone else but me, but still because of Thrilla and because of the other men in my past and of last fall, the men who normally flirt with me are not the best men, haven’t treated me well, not the in the way I should be treated. These past men have caused me to become cautious but Tina is right, I shouldn’t worry. Yet I do.
Because I do like him, I do care about him and seeing him does brighten up my already lovely day and on bad days. He is the positive man in my life. Don’t get me wrong I have positive men in my life, my father is one of them and I do have some fantastic guy friends but men I’ve dated, well that list is well, looking back at the guys I’ve dated in my past none of them treated me the way I should be treated , because at one point each of them have criticized me being too skinny, too heavy, needing to work out, less make up, more make up, dress up too much, dress down too much, was too sexual, not into sex enough, some cheated on me, some promised me they wanted me around, changed their minds and left without really letting me know. Each of these guys were more focused on what they wanted then loving me, caring about me just being myself.
I don’t feel this way anymore and to be honest that has a lot to do with me. I won’t let anyone make me feel that, I’m too strong now, now who I am now. I am and have always been a wildflower.
A flower of an uncultivated variety or a flower growing freely without human intervention.
I am fearful at moments he will walk away, he will leave me here alone. But thats a risk i’m very ok with making because he makes me smile and if he walks away then thats ok, because I’m strong enough now, I’ve always been strong enough. And the loss is his if he walks away. Plus I must remember he is must certainly not like any of the guys I have dated in the past, he is unconditionally kind.
I’m not going anywhere, I’m enjoying the ride. I may have these “fears” but I must just continue to remind myself that fear is what makes me feel alive and is the reason I write. Like I just said, I’m a wildflower blowing in the wind of chance.