Tag Archives: my past

The Dilemma of the Century

I am eating up the very words from my last post and not quite sure if they are sitting well in my stomach anymore. After some recent information I’ve received from someone who I ended up liking that I never thought liked me or I  would ever would like in the terms of a crush. I am now stuck in a dilemma. That has rendered me frustrated, a bit disappointed in myself and now stuck.

Having a crush on someone is never easy. Having a crush on someone after my boyfriend of four years cheats on me for five months, having a crush on someone after going through five other guys. Some just understood hook ups, some that broke my stitched up heart that basically strung me along the ride they wanted until they got what they wanted, having a crush on someone after having more than three drunken break down crying episodes with my best friend Valerie.

The least I can say is, “it’s hard for me right now.”

As a woman it’s hard  to trust any guy, weather in the terms of him as a boyfriend, a crush, a fuck buddy or just a friend. I am struggling to trust guys again. I don’t know how to make this turn around myself. I don’t know where I need to cut the line.

At least I love myself. I’m happy in my career choices and I love my art form to pieces and would never trade any of the feelings that grow inside of me as I write poetry. When I write, when I am in workshop and when I sit in the coffee-house; that’s the woman I am growing into.My God she is going to be a beautiful, strong, gifted woman. I can see this in myself and I cannot wait to fully grow into this woman.

 I guess the rest of me is now trying to work on the “dating.”

Being told by a crush that they backed away from you because you slept with their friend sucks. It sucks like if I had watched the Harry Potter movies and never picked up the books. It sucks like going to your regular coffee-house, where you order the same tea every single time (Green Raspberry tea with Honey) and this time you order something different (for shits and giggles) then it your like, I rather have my old tea again, “What was I thinking.”

I let my past get in the way of enjoying something. I got worried they would leave me (even in a causal situation) I left first. I cannot believe I did the thing I was fearing I would end up doing. I’m trying to beat guys to leaving me. Am I surprise?

No.

This morning I got Subway, then I bought “It’s been a day and the day is not even close to being over” wine.

This morning I made a decision. I told this one guy I like him and I’m willing try something “anything” with him. I am willing to stop hooking up, which in honestly I haven’t done since the neighbor. But in honesty this is who I really am at the end of the day. My deepest desire is to have a monogamous relationship with someone. This of course is not how I’ve been living my life this past year and I think this small portion of my poem shows how I feel about my body. Marachute, the Haast Eagle

Today I also told the one guy I hooked up with that it’s not going to happen again. Regardless on how this other guy feels about me. This was something I needed to do. I like this other guy and I don’t want to hurt him.

If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out and searching through my heart and soul right now I’m ok with that. I had moved a week ago and never thought in my wildest dreams this would be happening and I would sitting here writing this all out. I never thought my Saturday night would end with my cutting off hook ups.

I fucked up. I regret it. I’m kicking myself in the ass.

Sometimes I forget other people have insecurities too. I forget people maybe do care about me and my actions do affect them.

My only hope is that maybe they can move on from the weirdness. Because yes I have insecurities too, I have suit cases filled with broken hearts, sexual adventures and lost puzzle pieces. I may have been cheated on, I may have been used and I may hurt but these things will not stop me from who I like and I am willing to trust and unpack my suit cases. I just I have to remember when you go to unpack your baggage not everyone is going to like your past fashion choices.

These are the moments I feel slutty.

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Filed under Causal, Dating, FML, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, thoughts, trust, universe

Trust

I’m not sure if I can trust again any time soon.

In the future can I trust?

Yes, in the future, but right now…I can’t.

I think I started to lose my trust in men was March of 2011. The first time Thrilla and I broke up. I found out he had been interested in a girl who was on a team with us, now whether or not this girl liked him in the same way I will never know, she said she didn’t but this could be debated I feel; especially after everything I’ve been through I think anything can be possible. So any ways, I found out a day after that Thrilla basically ended things because he wanted to be with her, now not in a romantic terms at all, but sexually. How do I know this? I read some texts he was sending my other friends, very graphic texts about what he wanted to do to her.

Why I ended up back with him 5 months later, I’ll never understand…no I do understand, I was weak, I was lonely, I didn’t think I could be on my own, I thought I needed him.

So I saw these texts and they hurt me for some reason, I’m not entirely sure why, but I think it had to do with the fact that during the actually break up he lied to me, instead of just telling me, “Hey look I wanna sleep around,” it became a circus of reasons. Reasons involving me; me in the terms of not dressing up enough, doing enough, me having problems, it became my fault. But in this moment of finding, understanding he lied to me, this was the moment that lead to me losing all the trust I had in men. It’s in moments like these where I lose apart of myself, a part that I was born with, a piece of a puzzle I thought you needed in order to survive. (Years later I will realize these puzzle pieces needed to break off)

Another hit to the puzzle piece: A fight, he didn’t like me talking to my old ex’s/guys I’ve slept with. I told him I would stop speaking with them, but he needed to the same in return, this was not something he could do.

A third hit in the chest: Catching him emailing the other women he cheated with on me, emails, harmless at the time, but flirting was deeply rooted in each question, and each connection they claimed to be making as friends. I asked him to stop speaking to her, this was out of the question, this become a fight, where in the end with him claiming he was ending it, this too was lie (they continued to talk)

The puzzle piece finally and completely fell off in August of 2012. Funny thing is this trust must have fallen off in April, when their relationship began and mine ended without my knowledge. When you are cheated on for 5 months everything in your world swifts so suddenly, your knees weaken and you’re not sure who you are anymore.

It’s funny because all summer I would be randomly sitting alone in my room and cry, and I wasn’t sure at the time what I was crying about. Sometimes the body catches on quicker then the mind can. Sometimes the body already knows whats going on and the mind is not ready to face it, it’s not denial, I think its are natural animal  instincts deeply rooted inside of us, when we know something is about to kill us, destroy us and are bodies move out of the way before are mind can fully understand what is going on. My body was already going through the break up. My mind just needed time to catch up.

My ex had a lot of excuses to why he did it. My favorite? When he told me he thought we had broken up already. Yeah, he said that to me, I guess he thought when I was saying goodbye to him at the airport he thought that was are break up, even though we were still together on Facebook and I called him, told him I missed him.

I have these moments, I’m sitting down and I can’t believe it. I can’t believe he did this to me. He was not only seeing, sleeping with another women, but they were basically together, he was basically in another relationship.

This is why I have lost all trust in men.

I don’t know when I can or will trust again. And I know this will be a different kind of trust altogether. A packaged up trust, with a red stamp on the front that reads, “People do will hurt others in order to be happy, I understand this.”

I will be more cautious, I will no longer fall in love so quickly and I will put myself first until I believe someone has the best intentions for me and what I have to offer, “Offer.” Look at me making myself sound like some sort of special cellphone service, like you don’t get any specials deals until you prove to me you won’t just switch to another phone company so fast. Maybe I should have been thinking like that sooner in my life.

But until then, I going to just trust a little less. I guess this is called growing up, becoming who i’m going to be for the rest of my life. I like who I’m going to be for the rest of my life, I like this woman I’m becoming more and more each day, she’s a lot stronger.

Or maybe I’ve always been this strong…I just didn’t believe in myself.

I didn’t believe in myself.

If I could there would be one more thing I would say to my ex. I would say to him, “One day you will go through what I have gone through and finally understand my pain, because right now; you don’t understand my pain. Then I would tell you, “I hope one day you can be happy without hurting someone else.”

Sometimes I still get so mad at him, at what he did to me, at what he’s doing now, and I get so mad at myself. Mad for not speaking up sooner, for not telling him off, for still talking to him when we pass by.

But most days I feel nothing towards him, well thats not true…I feel pity for him. Because I love where my life is now, and even though I no longer trust men       I’m still happy, still looking for love and I know now what I want in life and where I’m going…well most of the time.

So if you ask me, what has changed in love?

I stopped falling in love with boys. I now want to fall in love with a man.

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Filed under Ex-boyfriends, thoughts, trust