I’ve been reminiscing a lot recently about my past relationship with Thrilla, ok maybe reminiscing isn’t the right word. Because it’s far from an enjoyable recollection of past events. I guess I’ve been examining the past. Trying to figure out what went wrong, finally past that point of blaming myself, blaming my sex and blaming the charm.
Last Thursday I went Iowa to perform my work, which is another story but I will add I did get paid and I got feed. It was like two of my favorite things, getting feed and paid to perform. But any ways I was sitting in this very crapped car and looking out the window something hit me, nothing physically hit me (thank goodness) but a strong thought within hit me upside the head,
“When I was with Thrilla I was so comfortable.”
I suppose this is nothing new to the never-ending stream of thoughts I have about this very failed relationship, but this is a thought I look at differently now. Right before I fell asleep last night I wrote this down in my notes on my cellphone.
I think comfortable is the worse word you can use in a relationship. It’s the first of numerous red flags that mean a relationship is ending.
I should have seen it coming, after I used the word I’m comfortable with my boyfriend. “I don’t know what I would do without him.”
No one should ever feel like this. Now I know a few people will get upset by me stating this, will say hey! Wait a minute! I’ve been a long healthy comfortable relationship or you’ll tell me you’ve been married for years now. I’m not trying to say this word is the end all be all but what I’m trying to point out is, there are better words in the English langauge then saying your relationship is comfortable.
If my ex (Thrilla) and I had made it one more month it would have been four years together and when he left me for another women, my life was shattered and I didn’t know what piece to pick up first.
But, if he hadn’t left me and hadn’t left me in such a final way that I knew we would never be intimate or a couple again, I may have never started writing. I would have this blog. I wouldn’t think of myself as beautiful and I wouldn’t have all these wonderful friends and I wouldn’t have been in that car going to Iowa, because now of my poems would be written, especially the ones written about my failed relationship. I wouldn’t have my chapbook, I have experienced that on my own skin.
And I wouldn’t be craving for real love. Because I was comfortable.
It was April 2012, I was sitting with a friend in her living room. I had just found email messages of Thrilla and the other woman. They weren’t bad enough to worry but they sent a red flag up. I remember my back resting along this leather sofa, the one that seemed to stick to skin and in between the struggle of the sofa I spoke up to my friend, “I’m so comfortable with Thrilla, I don’t know what I would do without him.”
That was the first time I used comfortable in our relationship and in that same month Thrilla and her started their relantionship. And mine ended.
But, I do now know what I would do without him…
I’m better off. More than better off, I’m thriving.
And I don’t ever want to be comfortable again with someone. I rather be: happy, busy, smiling, holding, powerful, eating, sleeping, naked, sweating, hiking, writing, learning, dancing, singing, loving, enriching, beautiful, natural, spontaneous, transforming with someone.
I will never need or be comfortable with someone again.
I’m so thankful for this lesson.
The view from the car on my way to Iowa.