Tag Archives: feel

When I was Comfortable

I’ve been reminiscing a lot recently about my past relationship with Thrilla, ok maybe  reminiscing isn’t the right word. Because it’s far from an enjoyable recollection of past events. I guess I’ve been examining the past. Trying to figure out what went wrong, finally past that point of blaming myself, blaming my sex and blaming the charm.

Last Thursday I went Iowa to perform my work, which is another story but I will add I did get paid and I got feed. It was like two of my favorite things, getting feed and paid to perform. But any ways I was sitting in this very crapped car and looking out the window something hit me, nothing physically hit me (thank goodness) but a strong thought within hit me upside the head,

“When I was with Thrilla I was so comfortable.”

I suppose this is nothing new to the never-ending stream of thoughts I have about this very failed relationship, but this is a thought I look at differently now. Right before I fell asleep last night I wrote this down in my notes on my cellphone.

I think comfortable is the worse word you can use in a relationship. It’s the first of numerous red flags that mean a relationship is ending.

I should have seen it coming, after I used the word I’m comfortable with my boyfriend. “I don’t know what I would do without him.”

No one should ever feel like this. Now I know a few people will get upset by me stating this, will say hey! Wait a minute! I’ve been a long healthy comfortable relationship or you’ll tell me you’ve been married for years now. I’m not trying to say this word is the end all be all but what I’m trying to point out is, there are better words in the English langauge then saying your relationship is comfortable.

If my ex (Thrilla) and I had made it one more month it would have been four years together and when he left me for another women, my life was shattered and I didn’t know what piece to pick up first.

But, if he hadn’t left me and hadn’t left me in such a final way that I knew we would never be  intimate or a couple again, I may have never started writing. I would have this blog. I wouldn’t think of myself as beautiful and I wouldn’t have all these wonderful friends and I wouldn’t have been in that car going to Iowa, because now of my poems would be written, especially the ones written about my failed relationship. I wouldn’t have my chapbook, I have experienced that on my own skin.

And I wouldn’t be craving for real love. Because I was comfortable.

It was April 2012, I was sitting with a friend in her living room. I had just found email messages of Thrilla and the other woman. They weren’t bad enough to worry but they sent a red flag up. I remember my back resting along this leather sofa, the one that seemed to stick to skin and in between the struggle of the sofa I spoke up to my friend, “I’m so comfortable with Thrilla, I don’t know what I would do without him.”

That was the first time I used comfortable in our relationship and in that same month Thrilla and her started their relantionship. And mine ended.

But, I do now know what I would do without him…

I’m better off. More than better off, I’m thriving.

And I don’t ever want to be comfortable again with someone. I rather be: happy, busy, smiling, holding, powerful, eating, sleeping, naked, sweating, hiking, writing, learning, dancing, singing, loving, enriching, beautiful, natural, spontaneous, transforming with someone.

I will never need or be comfortable with someone again.

I’m so thankful for this lesson.

Iowa

The view from the car on my way to Iowa.

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Filed under Beautiful, Ex-boyfriends, Life, Love, Message in the clouds, thoughts, universe

First time home since break-up (Written on the plane)

This will be the first time I’ve stepped foot into California since I found out Thrilla cheated on me.

I’m having serious anxiety over coming home. My chest feels heavy, I’m short of breath and my legs are beginning to shake.

My life is so different now. Yes, I understand we change every year, we are always changing, always developing but I’ve changed drastically in such a short amount of time. I don’t feel like the same girl that left California in August.

I feel older.

My views have shifted,

I understand why people causally date and why many rather not be in a serious relationship.

Because they haven’t found the one.

I know I’ve been saying a lot through my posts in my blog I want to be in a relationship but I’m not sure I feel this way anymore.

Or if I’m going to be in a relationship I wanna be all in and I want the same from them. I want an uncontrollable love. I want deep, out of control love that drives others away but draws us in closer. I don’t think I’ve found the man I want to fall in love with, or they haven’t gotten to that phase for me yet. They haven’t seen me yet, I haven’t seen them yet. Plus there are a few men in my life I would  try to date and feel them out but I’m not sure they’re that into me, or maybe they haven’t noticed me.

All I can say is, we shall see.

But geez I look at love so differently now. I use to be so gung-ho about being with someone, being in love, being content with what I have from someone. But now I see everything about love so differently, or maybe “different” isn’t the right word, maybe I should say I’m just more reality now. I see now when a guy is basically “just not that into me.”  I see the games being played out, the lies being feed to me.

Now maybe I saw this all years ago, maybe the difference now is believe these circumstances to be true, they are no longer myth, but fact.

I’ve been jumping back and forth so recently from desiring a relationship to not wanting anything to do with love, or dating. Not too sure where I’ll land at the end of this all. I guess I’m hoping I’ll meet the right guy who will bring me back to the ground. Until then it looks like my feet won’t be touching the ground anytime soon.

Well, I’ll be home soon, not sure what this winter break will bring and I’m not too sure if I’m ready for everything that’s about to change.

But I’m going to walk into the darkness regardless.

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Filed under Confessions, Dating, Home, Life