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Limbo In the Midwest

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I’m restless at the moment. With one paper, journals and one more exam between me and undergrad graduation. My parents will be in town shortly and then I’ll be road-tripping. All sound fun and all are stressing me out.

I’m looking into two manuscript submissions and I’m not sure what to turn into who. Which is stressful. Maybe I’ll get this last paper done tonight so I can put together two chapbooks I would be happy to send out.

I hate and love moving. I hate taking down my good feeling energy. I can already feel it. But I love the idea of change and moving onto a new life. Especially since I’ve lived in this same house for two years now. It’s time to move onto new things (I’m not going to say adventures because…stupid) So the idea of fresh places, a change of scenery sounds wonderful but I hate cleaning, packing, cleaning, hot weather and the never-ending of packing boxes and trying to lift heavy boxes. Which just turns into my ass in the air, loud sounds, cussing and getting no where. (Like bad sex)

Road trip should be fun. I just can’t wait to get over the planning and packing for that as well. Especially because I’m doing most of it. Everyone is so busy it’s hard to meet up with them to work out things and if I don’t get it done…it won’t get done.

So here I am.

But I’m excited because I’ll be in my favorite National Park for my birthday!

Zion!! AHHHHH

But I’m ready. Ready to get home and start making my next move.

I can only take two more weeks of limbo before I say, “fuck this!”

 

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Filed under Friends, good energy, Home, Hope, House, My house, stressed out, venting

Transition

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  • I’m disappointed in a few of my poet friends. (Should I be surprised?) No. That’s how artist can be sometimes and Speech and debate performers for that matter, so I’m use to this disappointment. I must remind myself, that it’s their loss and they are artist who do not want their career to grow like mine. So fuck it!
  • There’s this perpetual feeling that swings back and forth in my chest. I am far too busy for a relationship, to give myself to a man. But then there is that sinking feeling. Watching others pair up and I just feel like that unicorn in my childhood Noah’s ark book, sitting alone on a rock, watching the water climb up. I know its morbid but what happens when all my family dies, when uncles and aunts are gone, when my parents leave this life? I’m starting to understand the true need to find someone and it’s kind of sad all around. That we cannot fathom being alone so we must pair up with another, settle for someone else to create our happiness instead of it being the other way around. I think about my professor and how he says how thankful he is for his wife and all the shows she goes to with him. And I don’t have that. Not right now anyways. But then it begs the question, do I want to settle? No.

And so continues the never-ending cycle and the thoughts of loneliness

  • I’m moving soon. Leaving the midwest (for now) and returning to California. Going to teach high school, coach some speech and work on my writing. I’m nervous to leave all my friends and a city that has been so good to me. But it’s time. Time to try a bigger stage for my poetry. I’m ready for this. (I hope)
  • I had a nice chat with my poetry professor yesterday. He spoke some wonderful words to me about my work and how I will make a wonderful teacher. (I needed that) As you’ll (who read) notice I’ve been a bit down on myself and my work. I need a boost, because I was really doubting my work recently. Today I’m feeling better. I’m working on a poem that means a lot to me and I’m hoping to have it done for workshop tomorrow.
  • When I return home to California I’ll be 25-years-old. I’m transiting into who I will be for the rest of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 9-year-old Sally would have never thought I would end up here. A writer, an English major and almost done with school. But thinking about grad school. These were once just silly dreams of mine, from a “special kid.” I don’t feel disable very often.

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Filed under Dating, Disability, Friends, Home, Life, Love, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Teachers, thoughts

Sally, Go Home (For Christmas)

E.T.-Phone-Home

This is me trying to be clever…

The five love languages

This guy was reading a book about the 5 love languages.

It came as bit of a shock. I suppose a lot of other people are interested in that short of thing and I guess I just assumed the guy reading the book on the airplane would never be into that short of thing.

The five languages of love:

  • Quality Time
  • Gifts
  • Physical Touch
  • Acts of Service
  • Words of Affirmation

Quality time and physical touch are definitely both the biggest components I need in a relationship. I would also say a bit of words of affirmations as well, but that’s more due to all the guys I’ve currently had a thing with. They have now made this “language” more apart of my life.

I ordered cranberry apple on the airplane. It took all my strength to not order Coke, but I haven’t order Soda on a flight in years, I’ve learned when you ask for drinks, like apple juice, cranberry or tomato juice they give you the whole can. I’ve also learned that when you fly on a smaller plane they tend to not have apple juice. For some reason unknown to me, they never have apple juice, like they ran out on the last flight or apples are few and far between. So I order Cranapple, but did I get the whole can? Nope. And this flight isn’t even that full! I also ate a snickers bar. OHH!! Half way through writing this post the flight attendant came back around and refilled my drink! *I really enjoy me some Cranapple

I still can’t grasp the fact that I’m going to home already. I’m only going to be in town for about two weeks and I wish I had decided to stick around a bit longer but I do need to get back to the Midwest early and focus on my chapbook, last of my classes and memorize my poetry tour set. Wish I could be home longer, but it’s also important that I focus on my poetry and really kick my work into high gear during the New Year.

Ever sense my huge break-up a year ago it’s always really weird to fly home and visit. I’ve been away for so long now it’s like stepping into another world. Especially when I have so many wonderful friends back in the Midwest now. It’s also odd because every time I head home I can feel the changes happening throughout my life. This year so much has happened to me (silly me, that happens every year to everyone)

I went through A LOT of men. Dating, hook-ups, sex and the douche-bags of the millennium.

My kitty-cat passed away I love her very much and I will miss her for the rest of my life.

I found poetry. I met a wonderful professor who really lead me to my voice and has been guiding me and editing my work for almost a year now. I almost cried on Saturday during the final class because I only have one more semester to work with him. I’m very sad knowing this, because he’s helped me so much. More then just poetry, he’s also helped understand my strengths and weakness in all aspects of writing that no one else has helped me with before. I am so grateful.

I lost a friendship. I thought Tina and I would become lifetime best friends. I’m very sad this friendship fell apart but this issue has also reminded me that when I have best friends who are willing to put things aside and talk things out. Tina never truly did this. She patched up a hole in my friendship with her and never even tried with Valerie. Patches have a way of falling apart. You can’t always just keep repairing them and then walking away. I want my best friends to be able to step up when things have gone wrong. I want a best friends who don’t want the friendship to end, so they will do anything to make sure it doesn’t fall apart. Tina has been revealed to be two faced. I’m sadden to realize her friendship with Valerie did seem to mean enough to her. But that’s life. Some friends come and go. I’m thankful for the friends that have stuck around in my life.

I finally miss my job. I really miss the high school and every time I see them it’s never the same. But the kids help. The kids getting excited when they see me, makes me excited and makes me miss being around. I fear I won’t end up in my dream job. I fear I won’t become the head coach. The only thing I can do it put my head down, work my ass off and hope that this fear never comes true.

I’m extremely exhausted. Not sleeping for weeks has finally kicked in. I cannot wait to finally get some well deserved rest. I can’t wait to take a bath! I miss baths, because soaking my neck, back and knees feels so wonderful. Poor sore muscles are dying for some bath time.

I can’t wait to see my friends when I get home. I miss them all to pieces and I need some catch up time!

Note* I don’t think I’m going to be having sex anytime soon. From what I’ve witness the last week or so it’s clear he’s moved onto other…well I don’t know onto what but clearly I’m no longer on option of any short. And this is for the best…lets be real I don’t need anymore hooking up. Ugh I hate no sex and no relationship. It’s like I’m on a stupid diet or something. But shit no more for me…just real cake from now on. Or cookies!

Another adventures, more moments of luck, tears, food, family and friends.

Here’s to changing some more in these next two weeks of my life. I would say I’m nervous, very excited and filled with joy but all I can feel right now is how sleepy I’m feeling. Also I have to Tab a high school tournament this Saturday. That’s going to be a long day, but sushi afterwards and downtown!

I’m home…here we go

 

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Filed under Dating, Family, Friends, Home, Hope, Life, poetry, thoughts, universe

When God closes a door, he opens a sex dungeon.

Of course after reading my previous post before this one its clear that my Saturday night all the way into half of Sunday was pretty much an ass hat of a shitty time. I mean I haven’t had sex since last month, which was also sex I don’t remember and I threw up and ended up in the wrong bed naked. With an old hook-up that’s fine, but I’m ready for some sober fun sex now.

Today the universe must have heard my prayer because oh fuck! I’m going to be having some crazy ass sex when I get back home to Cali. So if any of you have read my page called, “The Past” you will remember a guy named “the best sex I’ve ever had.” Well, I’m going to be having some more of that awesome sex when I get back into California in two weeks!! Oh holy fucking shit! It’s a dream come true. I have been dreaming of some nasty, hot ass sex and like a fairy tale my dreams have come true.

Now I understand what Cinderella and the Little Mermaid were feeling at the time. Damn.

And it’s funny because I guess he’s been thinking about me for a while now. Since October. Gosh I’m so oblivious. But I looked back and some of our conversations and I’m like oh wow he’s been emailing me to see how I’m doing, etc. I’m a mess that I didn’t notice.

And it’s funny because this week I’ve been complaining that I want sex and I want to have a good time. Also it’s funny because twice this week I have brought “the best sex I’ve ever had guy” up to two of my friends.

But I cannot wait for some sex, motorcycles, food and the beach.

Damn, I’m wet just thinking about it.

Thank you God/Universe/naked good vibes/whatever made this workout

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Filed under good energy, Home, sex, universe

Rosie

There is no easy way or time to find out the loss of a childhood pet. Last night my parents called and my dad told me they had taken Rosie down to the vet and put her to sleep. She wasn’t eating anymore and basically starving herself. She was 21 years old and was a best friend to me.

Two years ago we our dog (Rascal) was also put down. Rosie was the last of my childhood pets still alive. She has been around almost all of my life and I grew up having her around. When my dog Sassy died, this beautiful Kerry Blue Terrier that I sadly witness get hit by a car I will never forget that night. I was very young and sitting in the hall way with my mom. I was worried Sassy wasn’t going to come home and my mom looked at me and said, “Well, you still have your kitty.”

Rosie has always been there for me. Through nights crying about struggles in school to adolescent break ups Rosie was there. I will never forget one night I was crying and she jumped up on the bed and sat next to me and licked me. She and I were really connected. I guess sharing a bedroom together can do that to you.

And this is the thing, I’m really sad and I’m trying really hard to not cry right now as I write this in my favorite coffee shop and I may be really sad but I’m also really happy because I have so many wonderful memories of my kitty cat. We had a blast together and I think I’m so compassionate and such a big animal lover because of my childhood animals so I couldn’t ask for anything more of them.

It’s hard living so far away from home. I miss home so much right now but I don’t if I could have handle being there. I wonder if they put her down on Thursday or Friday last week because I just had the worst energy feeling then and cried for one reason. I wonder if the heart and soul can feel a friend pass away…

Goodbye best friend. I’m not going to say rest in peace, because well first you were a pampered little diva of a cat and got plenty of rest and second I know that were ever you are now you are happy and you are safe.

Love you Rosie.

I will always miss you and you will always be in my heart.

I’m so thankful you were part of my life, especially growing up.

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Filed under Beautiful, Cats, Family, Feeling Lost, Friends, Home, Life, My kitty cat, Thankful, thoughts, universe

It’s been rough, Zombie rough

Zombie

I sang in a show on Saturday! Badass zombie make-up

My poetry has been rather frustrating lately. Not the poetry’s fault, but I do blame all my class work and certain events that have taken place that have really put a damper on my work. Which sucks because I have a huge contest deadline on Thursday and I’m not too happy with the product I have right now. I haven’t had a lot of people willing to go through my stuff and I haven’t had the time to write and it’s very much effecting my moods. Lets hope this mood goes away soon.

I had to deal with some assholes last week. The mens club that goes on without the poetry community is one of the worst ones out there. No my name is not baby and you’re a pig for not only performing drunk, for thinking your shit is gold but especially for rubbing up against women. (More on this later maybe.

(SCHOOL IS A BITCH AND A HALF)

I must confess I have been struggling with posting this last week and I have so much to say now I feel like this post may be rather too long but FUCK IT!

The one that wants to be the fuck-buddy emailed me a second time and sent me a friend request. GO AWAY! He has been nothing but drama in my life and I don’t need any more of that in my life.

Virgin Cornfield guy called me out of the blue tonight. Which was funny because I was crying. He told me I could come over lay down and just fall asleep, you know get away. Which I was rather tempted to, because comfort right now is something I’m dying for, but i know this is something I need to get through without needing someone. Plus he’s not the guy I want comforting me.

THAT guy (the one I really like right now) seems to have stop speaking to me. I know I could be over doing it, so what if he hasn’t text me in three days. This wouldn’t be a problem, but the fact that he’s bailed so many times before this just worries me even more. He just has promised so much these last few days and out of no where just kind of stopped speaking to me. I’m so sensitive to stuff right now and this is just going to drive me rather crazy, especially since we kissed the last week. For all I know he’s changed his mind. (Not sure what to do)

The hardest thing to deal with at the moment…my kitty cat back at home in California is not doing so hot. She’s 20 years old and she’s been my bestest little friend for these last 20 years now. My mom keeps sending me these cute little texts and stuff, like they took her into the vet today and my mom texts me she’s a tough old cat and a fighter. I don’t think she’s going to be around much longer, but if I am to be honest I rather not be home when she decides its time to go. I know I must sound rather silly, because some people don’t care for cats every much or think well it’s only an animal.

But I don’t think it’s silly. She’s my best friend, she was there when my doggy was hit by a car, she was there during the moments I felt so stupid and struggled each time in school. She was there after each break ups. She was always there and she’s always been there for me. It’s hard to think I won’t have that little cat in my corner for much longer. She’s the last of my childhood pets and my God I’m going to miss her to pieces when she’s gone and I think that may be happening pretty soon. (I’m Praying for you Kitty cat) I wish I could give her one last hug, but she knows I love her.

Adele: Make you feel my love

God, I need a pick me up after these last few weeks.
I’m burnt out and about to give up.

And I hope my writing picks up too

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Being a woman, Cats, Dreams, Feeling Lost, Help, Home, Love, My kitty cat, my writing, poetry, school, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts

My new best friend is a Diva

This week was the week and like the first time I got my period, the first time I used tampons, this marks the first time I ever used a Diva Cup.

And after over 11 years of using tampons I am ecstatic to finally be done with them and to move onto a cheaper, green friendly alternative.

I cannot even begin to explain how wonderful the DivaCup is,

  • I can’t feel (Sometimes tampons were uncomfortable)
  • I can leave it in for 12 hours
  • Fell asleep last night and didn’t wake up early freaking out that I forgot to change it
  • Don’t have to spend $10 every month now on tampons
  • I feel cleaner
  • I feel less stressed, aka don’t worry about it

These are the simple new changes that make me feel more empowered in my life. Make me feel more comfortable with my body and more importantly I no longer feel ashamed of my body. My period, like it did the first time I ever got it, has become a part of myself, something that makes me a woman. Once again I feel closer to nature.

My new love!!

My new love!

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