New baggage

August 2012: A break-up that will forever change my how I view “relationships” And forever will be intertwined within my stories, within my heart.

Tonight why I sit here and write I wait for the guy I’ve “seeing” to text me back. Now deep down I know he likes me, a lot. An example of this, he today he was at some part of the library when I was in class, I then ended up at the library with some friends posted a picture of us being silly and before he was on his way out he figured out where we were so he could say goodbye and give me a kiss. This is the reassurance in my heart. But then I get these sweeping panic attacks that he’s not going to come back. That maybe he is right now as he speak sleeping with another girl, laying down with her and kissing her.

I give you my “new baggage” the new worry I have attached to my heart. Thanks to my ex thrilla this is a new problem that at times I have no control over at all. Now most the time I have a pretty good handle on it but times like these, sitting here writing, right now my chest hurts, it aches, it worries for what he could be doing, if he really does like me. This baggage is so heavy on my heart. I know, I understand this baggage is not going anywhere anytime soon and I’m hopping that understanding this will make me a little bit stronger and the baggage a little bit smaller. But sometimes I have no control over the feeling.

So I write about it, I day dream, I pour my heart out on open line pages. That seems to make me stronger. Then after the feeling has passed, after the no control lifts from my chest. I take a deep breath, re-adjust my eyes and remember to have hope, to try and trust again and always smile.

Here’s to having hope.

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