Trust

I’m not sure if I can trust again any time soon.

In the future can I trust?

Yes, in the future, but right now…I can’t.

I think I started to lose my trust in men was March of 2011. The first time Thrilla and I broke up. I found out he had been interested in a girl who was on a team with us, now whether or not this girl liked him in the same way I will never know, she said she didn’t but this could be debated I feel; especially after everything I’ve been through I think anything can be possible. So any ways, I found out a day after that Thrilla basically ended things because he wanted to be with her, now not in a romantic terms at all, but sexually. How do I know this? I read some texts he was sending my other friends, very graphic texts about what he wanted to do to her.

Why I ended up back with him 5 months later, I’ll never understand…no I do understand, I was weak, I was lonely, I didn’t think I could be on my own, I thought I needed him.

So I saw these texts and they hurt me for some reason, I’m not entirely sure why, but I think it had to do with the fact that during the actually break up he lied to me, instead of just telling me, “Hey look I wanna sleep around,” it became a circus of reasons. Reasons involving me; me in the terms of not dressing up enough, doing enough, me having problems, it became my fault. But in this moment of finding, understanding he lied to me, this was the moment that lead to me losing all the trust I had in men. It’s in moments like these where I lose apart of myself, a part that I was born with, a piece of a puzzle I thought you needed in order to survive. (Years later I will realize these puzzle pieces needed to break off)

Another hit to the puzzle piece: A fight, he didn’t like me talking to my old ex’s/guys I’ve slept with. I told him I would stop speaking with them, but he needed to the same in return, this was not something he could do.

A third hit in the chest: Catching him emailing the other women he cheated with on me, emails, harmless at the time, but flirting was deeply rooted in each question, and each connection they claimed to be making as friends. I asked him to stop speaking to her, this was out of the question, this become a fight, where in the end with him claiming he was ending it, this too was lie (they continued to talk)

The puzzle piece finally and completely fell off in August of 2012. Funny thing is this trust must have fallen off in April, when their relationship began and mine ended without my knowledge. When you are cheated on for 5 months everything in your world swifts so suddenly, your knees weaken and you’re not sure who you are anymore.

It’s funny because all summer I would be randomly sitting alone in my room and cry, and I wasn’t sure at the time what I was crying about. Sometimes the body catches on quicker then the mind can. Sometimes the body already knows whats going on and the mind is not ready to face it, it’s not denial, I think its are natural animal  instincts deeply rooted inside of us, when we know something is about to kill us, destroy us and are bodies move out of the way before are mind can fully understand what is going on. My body was already going through the break up. My mind just needed time to catch up.

My ex had a lot of excuses to why he did it. My favorite? When he told me he thought we had broken up already. Yeah, he said that to me, I guess he thought when I was saying goodbye to him at the airport he thought that was are break up, even though we were still together on Facebook and I called him, told him I missed him.

I have these moments, I’m sitting down and I can’t believe it. I can’t believe he did this to me. He was not only seeing, sleeping with another women, but they were basically together, he was basically in another relationship.

This is why I have lost all trust in men.

I don’t know when I can or will trust again. And I know this will be a different kind of trust altogether. A packaged up trust, with a red stamp on the front that reads, “People do will hurt others in order to be happy, I understand this.”

I will be more cautious, I will no longer fall in love so quickly and I will put myself first until I believe someone has the best intentions for me and what I have to offer, “Offer.” Look at me making myself sound like some sort of special cellphone service, like you don’t get any specials deals until you prove to me you won’t just switch to another phone company so fast. Maybe I should have been thinking like that sooner in my life.

But until then, I going to just trust a little less. I guess this is called growing up, becoming who i’m going to be for the rest of my life. I like who I’m going to be for the rest of my life, I like this woman I’m becoming more and more each day, she’s a lot stronger.

Or maybe I’ve always been this strong…I just didn’t believe in myself.

I didn’t believe in myself.

If I could there would be one more thing I would say to my ex. I would say to him, “One day you will go through what I have gone through and finally understand my pain, because right now; you don’t understand my pain. Then I would tell you, “I hope one day you can be happy without hurting someone else.”

Sometimes I still get so mad at him, at what he did to me, at what he’s doing now, and I get so mad at myself. Mad for not speaking up sooner, for not telling him off, for still talking to him when we pass by.

But most days I feel nothing towards him, well thats not true…I feel pity for him. Because I love where my life is now, and even though I no longer trust men       I’m still happy, still looking for love and I know now what I want in life and where I’m going…well most of the time.

So if you ask me, what has changed in love?

I stopped falling in love with boys. I now want to fall in love with a man.

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1 Comment

Filed under Ex-boyfriends, thoughts, trust

One response to “Trust

  1. Very good post. I am experiencing a few of these issues as well..

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