Putting the universe back into alignment

Song of the Day: Locked out of Heaven by Bruno Mars

Poem of the Day: Stay by Andrea Gibson

Quotation of the Day: “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
― Ernest HemingwayMen Without Women

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted something up on my blog. Now this doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing and telling my stories; I just haven’t posted any of them up yet. I’ve also been in the process of writing poems. No joke, I have over 22 pages of poems minimized on the corner of my mac. Each are half way done and a little messy and some were written in a half drunken state but each one has a little bit of my heart and soul in them. So they are special to me.

Thoughts of the week:

-Have you ever had those moments wearing only your lace blue underwear, and lace bra and you’re looking into the mirror and you think to yourself, “Damn, I look good today!” I had one of those moments yesterday and it was great. But that moment followed with the thought of damn no one but me is going to see this hot piece of ass tonight….Cool.

-I have these moments from time to time were I miss being in a relationship. It’s those moments I’m laying down in bed and I wait for some to grab a hold of me and cuddle with me naked. Or the moment someone drops me home and everyone I know is going home to someone for the night. Those are the moments I miss being in a relationship, feeling needed and having someone to go home each night that wants to know how my day was, what I think about that movie I just saw or just simply wants to talk about sports. (ok only sports I know anything about is soccer and Motorcycles so thats a bit limited)

-This month has been rough. I feel like words have been thrown into my mouth and people viewing me in the wrong light. It’s frustrating, because in all honest I’m slick smooth operator, I could never use someone behind their back, I’m a bad lier, and when I really love something with all my heart I put all of myself into it. But after this month I feel all of my heart is lacking into the one thing I love most. I feel myself pulling away just a bit and it really hurts my heart, and even writing this section is making me teary eyed. I hope this feeling goes away soon, because exhaustion is sinking in and I’m becoming burnt out.

-I miss soccer. I was looking through my old email account and I came across old requiters for different colleges, one in particular  stands out. North Carolina would have been a great place to play soccer for. That would have been dream. When it’s really cold outside, or I have slept on my back wrong I still feel the reminder of why this dream never came true. Have bad days with my back and my neck, but I’ve been going through these bad days since sophomore year so I barley notice the pain anymore. But when I do feel the back pains or my knee  dislocates  I do miss playing soccer. I do miss my club teams and I do still wonder what I would be doing today if I haven’t been tackled and hurt so bad, I wonder where I would be today with soccer. But then again, maybe I wasn’t meant to be playing soccer, maybe I’m meant to be sitting here, writing about my life and falling in love with each new word I learn.

I guess I’ll never truly know which path would have made me happier.

-I think I’m a serial dater. I’ve been dating a lot, which is odd because I’ve been in more relationships since my senior of high school, then I’ve been single, but here I am dating, dating a lot. I think it’s the red hair, or you know what I bet it’s my sense of humor, haaha…yeah right.

-There are a few people I have crushes on at the moment. Two of them are complete pains in my ass and should just ask me out! I swear sometimes, men. You hit on me, you talk to me, and shit you’re definitely good looking, so damn, just ask me out already, because I will say yes. Ugh, sometimes I swear men, I obivous like you, but you know sometimes I wonder if I’m too shuttle or something, but ehh I don’t know. But until then, I’m just going to say men are pains in my ass and they just need to ask me out. Or I don’t know maybe I’ll just buy a cat or something.

Alignment: The process of adjusting parts so that they are in proper relative position: A set of gears needs a periodic alignment. I feel out of alignment, I’m out of place, in need to a quick fix. I’ve felt out of alignment for about two months now, maybe it’s been longer, maybe it’s really been all my life, I don’t know, but I do know I can finally feel it, I feel out of alignment, my gears need to be placed in the proper position. Maybe I don’t cry enough, maybe I cry too much, maybe I don’t get anger enough. Maybe I have too many emotions jumping from one page to the next.  I understand that I’m out of alignment, but how do I put myself back into place? What place was I even at? I don’t know. But today I feel like I’m moving back into place, like a set of big braces are slowing sliding me back into my place. I want to be back into my place, I want to feel comfort again, or do I? Actually now that I think about it, I have been out of alignment all my life, I haven’t ever felt like I fit in, I have never felt like I had a place and I know thats rare, that makes me beautiful and different. Do I want to lose that? No.

Looks like I’m at an impasse. I don’t want to be like everyone else, I like being out of place, I like different, but sometimes feeling different does take its toll on you.

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Filed under Alignment:, Life, thoughts, universe

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